Loyal Colossus reader Fred Gregory has did up his very first YouTube video, and it's a good one. Check it out!
As usual, because no one demanded it, it's time to take a peek into what cracks Hube up. And the following Saturday Night Live sketches do just that. First, Hube's Top Six, followed by some Honorable Mentions. In no particular order:
MORE COWBELL. Possibly Will Ferrell's funniest skit during his SNL tenure, he cracks up virtually all his companions, especially Jimmy Fallon. Christopher Walken is classic yet again as producer Bruce Dickinson (yes, the Bruce Dickinson):
JAMES BROWN CELEBRITY HOT TUB. Eddie Murphy had a gazillion funny sketches while a part of SNL; there is none funnier than this one. Whoever thought up this idea is my kind'a writer. So hilarious, Murphy even cracks himself up:
ARSENIO BECKMAN. Host Rob Lowe's best-ever sketch, here he mocks former late-night host Arsenio Hall. Note the finger extensions on Lowe's hands, and especially the audience as the skit progresses:
DICK IN A BOX. Cast member Andy Samberg's and host Justin Timberlake's "SNL Short" classic about the perfect gift for anytime, anywhere:
THE RESTAURANT ENTERPRISE. One of the best offerings from the early Phil Hartman and Dana Carvey era, host William Shatner becomes the proprietor of the now-drydocked USS Enterprise ... which has been converted into a restaurant. Carvey as villain Khan absolutely steals the show:
STEVIE WONDER & FRANK SINATRA. Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo do up a gut-busting bit with an "alternate" version of "Ebony and Ivory":
SEE BELOW THE FOLD FOR SOME HONORABLE MENTIONS ... !!
MR. NO DEPTH PERCEPTION. Kevin Nealon was never my favorite cast member, but this may be his best bit:
GERMANY'S MOST DISTURBING HOME VIDEOS. I loved just about every "Sprockets" offering; this one is my fave. This is my favorite Mike Myers character by far, and this is a rip on "America's Funniest Home Videos," natch:
DEBBIE DOWNER. Rachel Dratch's character had a few follow-ups, but none tops this debut. All the cast members cannot keep a straight face:
SPACE THE INFINITE UNIVERSE. Will Ferrell (as Harry Carey) perplexes host Jeff Goldblum with his constant -- and hilarious -- ad libbing:
THE McLAUGHLIN GROUP. Only political junkies will find this funny, and as I am -- and as a fan of this show -- I threw up a lung the first time I saw this. Dana Carvey's show host John McLaughlin is so spot-on it's scary, and each of the guests nail their real-life counterpart as well:
SAMURAI DELICATESSEN. The only entry I have from the original SNL cast, this John Belushi-helmed skit always kills me. There are several other "Samurai" skits; this, however, is the best:
JIZZ IN MY PANTS. Coming off the success of "Dick in a Box," Samberg, Timberlake and crew at the very least equaled their success with this raucous video short:
Completely hyperbolic but nevertheless funny:
In the arena of the absolutely absurd today (to hopefully take your mind away from Boston a bit), San Francisco will be "the first city in the country to launch citywide police station 'safe zones' for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, staffed with police liaisons trained to serve that community."
Here's a pic from part of the "big" announcement:
Yep, that's a member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence who, in the name of "combating intolerance," demonstrates intolerance ... towards the Catholic community. Maybe they should change their name to "Sisters of Escaped Irony."
(h/t to Moonbattery)
Here's why MSNBC isn't covering the abortion ogre Kermit Gosnell trail in Philly, according to spokeswoman Lauren Skowronski: ďWe donít cover criminal trials to the extent of others in cable news.Ē
Stop laughing. She's probably right -- they're too busy finding racism in every story they do cover.
Via Ace: "MSNBC, Kindergarten for Bored, Angry Unemployed People."
They have a book called "Clueless at the Top," which is not an autobiography but a meditation "on outdated hierarchies in American culture," whatever that means.
This is pretty amusing: The NBC Edit of Ba-rick Obama's basketball shooting disaster.
Seen on Facebook:
Runner-up -- this "I'm Not Sure If It's the Easter Bunny or Chewbacca" pic:
Is this what it's come to in our country? It's bad enough when idiots like the pundits on MSNBC discover "racism" under every nook and cranny (this has to be the best example ever, so to speak); now a sports "writer" at SB Nation sees fit to find "racism" in ... white guys celebrating their home team beating a rival who's won 27 games in a row.
Was this writer, Bill Hanstock, just trying to be ... "funny?" It seems like it. But not only is his article not funny (and hey, I think "poke fun at white people" humor is hilarious if done well -- like here and here, for example), what exactly is he trying to get across? Aren't their plenty of black Chicago Bulls fans? How would an article from the other side of the color spectrum come across?
Yeah, I think we all know ...
The BBC tweeted:
"LIVE VIDEO: Chimney of Sistine Chapel as conclave votes for #Pope - will smoke be black or white?"
This so enraged MP David Lammy that he tweeted back:
"This tweet from the BBC is crass and unnecessary. Do we really need silly innuendo about the race of the next Pope?"
This is just too damn funny.
Jay Nordlinger: "So, a lesson is reinforced: When it comes to comedic frontiers, the [Three] Stooges can be expected to have arrived first."
Let's face it: If you're a guy, you probably dig the Stooges. If you're a chick, you don't. It's highly doubtful that the trio could thrive in today's "hyper-safe, politically correct" environment ... which is what makes them all the more funny (get this) ... eighty years later (from the earliest shorts). Their physical slapstick just cannot be topped. Take the first three-or-so minutes of this part of "Rhythm and Weep":
Or this insanely hilarious Curly moment when his head gets caught in a mine shaft (from "Cactus Makes Perfect"):
Or the crowded car scene from "False Alarms":
I could go on and on and on ... nevertheless, this is comedy. Anything that is still funny 80 years later is the real article, folks!
Via the New York Post: Homeless man sues parents for Ďtoo little love.í
A Brooklyn man slapped his mom and dad with a $200,000 lawsuit that blames them for leaving him homeless and destitute because they allegedly raised him and his sibling in a poor household ó and didnít love him enough.
Bernard Anderson Bey, 32, claims he never got enough affection or support from parents Vickie and Bernard Manley ó so now he wants them to mortgage their share of a Bedford-Stuyvesant home so their family can buy two Dominoís Pizza franchises to employ them all, according to the bizarre suit.
ďOur whole family is really poor, and my father doesnít care about the situation,Ē Bey said yesterday. ďI feel unloved and abandoned.Ē
Domino's?? Dude, at least do a Papa John's for heaven's sake. Domino's pizza blows!
... over at The Comics Journal.
The 2013 Father of the Year Award goes to ... wait for it! -- Bill Clinton!
Kinda makes sense when you consider some of the past recipients: John Edwards, Hulk Hogan, RFK Jr. and Marv Albert.
(Thanks, as always, to RWR.)
(Thanks, as always, to RWR.)
Yours truly has a sizeable entry.
Here's how to deal with Boss "Honest Icabod Slipp" Obama:
Michelle Obama Wants to Create 'Letís Move! Towns and Cities' | CNSNews.com: "First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging local governments across America to become 'Letís Move!' cities and towns because local leaders are 'uniquely positioned to champion healthy communities.'Ē
I've been hearing quite a few people say "Let's move" since election night but not quite in the same way.
This is pretty funny:
If Biden was a Republican, well, forget it ...
What a maroon: "This is the most incredible Sandy pic I've seen yet. A scuba diver in the subway."
Here's "Plugs" claiming that nasty Mitt Romney wants to give the wealthy a "one point trillion" dollar tax cut (whatever the f*** that is):
Maybe he was trying to up himself after stating that the GOP gave a "$500 trillion tax cut to the rich":
Michelle Obama on her husband, Boss Obama: ďSee, but your president, he didnít point fingers. He didnít place blame. Instead, he got to work, because he was thinking about folks like my dad and like his grandmother.Ē
Be sure to check here for a pretty comprehensive list of blame-placing and finger-pointing.
Light, sound, what's the difference. Somewhere Neil DeGrasse Tyson is weeping.
In fact, according to Rep. Yvette Clark of Brooklyn, it didn't even end at the turn of the 19th-20th century:
ďSome have called Brooklynís decision to become part of New York City ĎThe Great Mistake of 1898,í Ē Colbert said. ďIf you could get in a time machine and go back to 1898, what would you say to those Brooklynites?Ē
ďI would say to them, ĎSet me free,í Ē Clarke responded.
Pressed by Colbert to say what she would have been freed from, the black Democrat responded, ďSlavery.Ē
ďSlavery. Really? I didnít realize there was slavery in Brooklyn in 1898,Ē Colbert followed.
ďIím pretty sure there was,Ē Clarke continued.
ďWho would be enslaving you in 1898 in New York?Ē the quick-witted comic questioned, never one to let slip a priceless live TV moment.
Clarke responded: ďThe Dutch.Ē
Check it out (the congresswoman appears at approx. 1:42 in):
Jay Nordlinger nails it:
. . . is that you canít do it about Obama. You just canít. The ďcultureĒ ó the media, academia, etc. ó wonít let you. He is off limits. A holy racial object ó a holy racial left-wing object. He wonít joke about himself, and others arenít allowed to. Therefore, he is unjoked about. Unjokable about. Or something.
Remember this past week when Mitt Romney made a cute little quip about his birth certificate? MY GOD! WHAT A NO NO!!
President Barack Obamaís re-election campaign quickly hit back at rival Mitt Romneyís birth certificate joke, declaring that America ďdoesnít need a birther-in-chief.Ē
ďEmbracing unfounded conspiracy theories, distracting from real issues,Ē the [new Obama ad] narrator says. (Link)
Yeah -- you mean unfounded conspiracy theories like Mitt Romney hasn't paid ANY taxes in ten years? Like that?
This is what you do when your record is beyond pathetic. You turn obvious little humor bits into political anathema. But if you keep it up, maybe Romney will call your ridiculous bluff and point out that Obama has no one to blame but HIMSELF for the conspiracy theory that is Birtherism. And you can bet this is why he keeps his college records sealed.
NBC News, at your service:
News Journal headline today: Woman injured when car hits building released from hospital.
(h/t to Shirley.)
The mainstream media had a field day ripping Mitt Romney for his concerns over the UK's security at the Summer Olympics; however, they certainly didn't notice much when all of these occurred now, eh? My personal fave:
President Inspector Clouseau gifts Prime Minister Gordon Brown with a cheap box-set of DVDs incompatible with British DVD players:
As he headed back home from Washington, Gordon Brown must have rummaged through his party bag with disappointment.
Because all he got was a set of DVDs. Barack Obama, the leader of the world's richest country, gave the Prime Minister a box set of 25 classic American films - a gift about as exciting as a pair of socks.
Gordon Brown is a well-known movie fan so I'm sure he not only appreciated the White House laying out a cool two-hundred bucks or so for a pile of DVDs he couldn't watch, but also gifting him with movies any movie fan would already own.
And, who can forget (aside from the MSM) this classic Boss Obama moment?
Hilarious. Jonathan Krohn, who at age 13 "took the political world by storm at 2009ís Conservative Political Action Conference when he delivered an impromptu rallying cry for conservatism that became a viral hit" has "grown up" according to Politico. he's now that ripe old age of seventeen and has shifted leftward. So, y'know, again, this means he's "grown up." At age 17.
But Krohn, has a "defense": ďCome on, I was thirteen,Ē he said. ďI was thirteen.Ē
Gosh. You sure sold me!
That's it, alright -- courtesy of my buddy Greg at Rhymes With Right:
Just don't expect mocking coverage by the MSM and/or Chevy Chase:
Paul Krugman: 'It's Terribly Unfair Obama's Being Judged on the Failure of the Economy.'
By now I'm sure you've heard/read about Massachusetts US Senate candidate (and self-proclaimed originator of the Occupy movement) Elizabeth Warren's claims that she is a Native American. After some curious folks began checking out these claims and found them wanting, Warren is miffed, claiming her family is "being attacked." All this simply adds to the hilarity; her justifications, such as they are, would get an average joe laughed at in a heartbeat. The fact that Warren is an elite academic makes this all simply gut-busting.
Finally, Warren said, ďI am proud of my family and I am proud of my heritage.Ē
Hiller followed up: ďDoes it include an Indian background?Ē
Warren replied, ďYes.Ē
ďHow do you know that?Ē Hiller asked.
Warren responded, ďBecause my mother told me so."
I wonder if Warren would accept such a source on a research paper from one of her Ivy League students. I can see the footnote(s) now:
1 My mother said so. (Dinner conversation with family and Asian-American neighbors, April, 2009.)
And then there's also this gem: "She also referenced a photo of her grandfather who had 'high cheekbones.'Ē
I think this ridiculousness can best be summed up by this classic Mad TV skit titled "The Octoroon." At least this guy had one-eighth minority blood, not a measly 1/32!
Delaware's own Joe Biden informs us about the president's girth: ďI promise you, the President has a big stick. I promise you.Ē
Best part: You can hear the audience laughter after the "punchline."
... in this time of racial tension, hopefully we can all take a second and chuckle at this classic SNL bit featuring Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo as Stevie Wonder and Frank Sinatra ... singing "Ebony and Ivory":
Well, it was for me, at least! This list -- "The 36 Worst Action Figures From Iconic Toy Lines" -- contains quite a few entries that almost made me crap my pants from laughing so hard. Especially funny were the entries from the Rocky movies ... such as
That's right -- an "action" figure dedicated to the guy who had a whole ten seconds or so of actual screen time ... and was an extra of an extra to boot! The product description even has to remind you just who in the hell Sly's brother actually was in Rocky. And why's his face look like he's been constipated for about a month??
That's right -- as Cracked notes, "a non-moving, non-talking hunk of bronze. So your kids can play 'statue.' Come on, guys. What's next, an action figure of the meat he was punching while he trained in the original film?
Speaking of which ...
Yep, this was an actual Rocky "action" figure and was indeed lovingly dubbed "The Meat." Y'know, that big side of beef that Rock trained with in the original film. Who could pass this up? Look -- it even has a hook in it!
Others which killed me were the J. Jonah Jameson and Aunt May figures from Spider-Man lore. There are plenty more, some of which may tickle your funny bone, so be sure to check 'em out.
Riiiiiiiiiiight. Sadly this story will be one day news and then gone. I'd love to hear the coroner's explanation of exactly how this happened.
Things on the Beltway have been getting worse lately. I've attached a clip I shot on my way into work this morning.
Courtesy The Political Commentator:
Barney Frank needs a freakin' bra, for heaven's sake:
(h/t: Right Truth)
... is pretty much how I felt right after my Thanksgiving meal:
Police said Mr [Eloi] Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. "Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening."
Kit-Kats for everyone? Sounds like my kinda future!
"His name is Mike, is Mike, uh, Muckary, who, uh, whuh, has been allowed to continue as a coach until now."
Of all people, the LGOMB's Delaware Douche posts this today:
ďA danger sign of the lapse from true skepticism in to dogmatism is an inability to respect those who disagreeĒ Ė Dr. Leonard George
Those who know their site well should have a lot of trouble controlling their laughter about now ...
Via Sharp Elbows: Howard Stern does what the MSM won't do regarding the Occupy movement (language warning):
Via The Corner -- comedy gold by some anonymous douche "threatening" Oakland police for what they "did" to the OWS protesters there:
Via the News Journal:
As seen in the comments over at the Local Gaggle of Moonbat Bloggers:
Right wingers posing as left wingers shouting antisemitic slogans to produce a smear the sheeple like you dutifully propagate. You know, like the smears of those who suggest that Obama is a Marxist.
I wonder how "progressives" would react if conservatives explained away the idiocy of various Tea Partiers that way ...
It's the Local Gaggle of Moonbat Bloggers "Occupy Wall Street Action Item!!" Let's take a look! (Oooh, I'm all giddy!!)
With your help, we are going to fill an SUV with donated sleeping bags and/or blankets, yoga mats and tarps and drive up to New York where we will deliver them on behalf of everyone in Delaware who thinks that the corporate takeover of our democracy requires a response.
Yeah, don't forget those yoga mats so the unkempt, odiferous hippies can meditate in between blocking traffic for people who have jobs and getting arrested for disorderly conduct! And it sure is easy to take a day off to gather up all that and head up to NYC when you're a trust fund kid like Jason Scott, ain't it?
At any rate, please don't forget these following needed items, Trust Fund:
Lastly, the cognitive dissonance these mental pygmies demonstrate is beyond description. They say that "the corporate takeover of our democracy requires a response," yet they're also the biggest supporters of Barack Obama around ... the guy who is in bed with corporate America to the Nth degree.
Ah well, they're always good for cheap laughs, I'll give 'em that.
From Liberal Geek at the Local Gaggle of Moonbat Bloggers:
Stay tuned for DelawareLiberalís planned action to support Occupy Wall St.
All RIGHT!! Where do I SIGN UP?? And PLEASE hurry with that info, Geek! We just won't be able to contain our EXCITEMENT!
Worried about Irene? Follow this:
And that would be, unbelievably, former New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin.
UPDATE: CBS does the same thing!
That's right -- "Winning the Future" ... or W.T.F.
"Resist we much!"
The common sense statement is the fart he lets out (seriously):
Inspired by this Cracked.com article (which is incredibly funny, by the way) and being the movie culture maven that I am, I just had to chime in with my own takes on some of the most ridiculous match-ups in action film history ... as usual because no one demanded it!! Now, keep in mind I tried to be 100% original and come up with my own fracases, but some of Cracked's were just too good to skip over. Like the first one here:
JOHN MATRIX vs. BENNETT in COMMANDO.
This is Cracked's #1 such fight, and deservedly so. In fact, if you're not cracking up very early in the film when you realize that Bennett is supposed to be Matrix's (Ah-nuld Schwarzenegger) arch-nemesis, something's wrong with your WTF meter. Bennett looks like he's spent the last decade or so trying to win the National Couch Potato contest. Heck, the only thing that even gives Bennett ("I feel good, Jawn!") a chance in hell is that he pops a bullet into Ah-nuld's shoulder before their scuffle ensues.
ROCKY BALBOA vs. IVAN DRAGO in ROCKY IV.
Let's be real here: Drago killed Apollo Creed after just a bit over a single round in the ring. Later we see that, after a punch, Drago's pressure per square inch figure rises to superhuman levels. Meanwhile, Rocky insists on training "naturally," which in this case means chopping wood, dragging sleds, and climbing mountains so he can shout Drago's name at the top of his lungs. All of which would more likely get Rock a nasty cold or virulent flu rather than prepare him to defeat Drago. Even if you buy that the Italian Stallion could best the towering Russian, the fact that Rock's face looks like he's only been through a minor sparring exercise after the fight is laughingly ridiculous. At least as ridiculous as his Cold War kumbayah speech after his victory.
ROGER MOORE vs. JUST ABOUT ANY VILLAIN in ANY JAMES BOND FILM.
Moore is by far the least believable Bond in terms of being able to kick your ass. Every other dude who played the role looked like he could, especially Connery and the new Daniel Craig. What's even funnier is that Moore had to go up against probably the most physically powerful Bond baddie ever -- Jaws -- not just once, but twice! (The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker.) By Moore's last flick (A View to a Kill), he'd have had a hard time taking down his co-star, The Avengers' Patrick Macnee.
CHANCE BOUDREAUX vs. EMIL FOUCHON in HARD TARGET.
That'd be Jean Claude Van Damme vs. Lance Henriksen, for the uninitiated. Let's see ... Van Damme is a martial arts expert whereas Henriksen is best known for playing the android Bishop in a couple Aliens movies. Yeah, sounds fair. I dunno, for some reason, for a few years there, some folks in Hollywood though Lance would make a good bad-ass. A few years before Target, he locked horns with NFL bust Brian Bosworth in the dreadfully bad actioner Stone Cold.
MICHAEL HARRIGAN vs. THE PREDATOR in PREDATOR 2.
Er, that'd be Danny Glover vs. the nasty (and huge) alien hunter. Let's face it: Ah-nuld in the original barely bested the creature -- and he's the best special forces badass any government could possess. And what's Harrigan? A freakin' street cop in Los Angeles. He'd have, what -- a tiny fraction of the training that Ah-nuld had. Not to mention, Harrigan just happens to school some special ops dudes who've been tracking the Pred since shortly after Ah-nuld's original mission (reuniting Glover and Gary Busey from Lethal Weapon) ... as if they wouldn't know more about the alien than he. YEESH.
GABE WALKER vs. ERIC QUALEN in CLIFFHANGER.
This is also on Cracked's list, and again very deservedly so. Not only is this flick ridiculous in that the surroundings are snow covered mountains and Sly Stallone is meandering around in a f***ing tank top most of the time, but Qualen is played by ... John Lithgow. The only thing I could envision that would allow Lithgow to even get one good shot in on Sly is being his still being miffed that he couldn't see Debra Winger anymore. Or, perhaps, still being miffed that his town of Bomont threw in the towel and allowed dancing.
UPDATE: A good buddy of mine e-mails me one that has just got to be added:
DALTON vs. BRAD WESLEY in ROAD HOUSE.
OK, yeah, Wesley (Ben Gazzara) had bruiser Jimmy do most of his dirty work throughout the flick -- that is until Dalton (Patrick Swayze) beat the living sh** out of him. Ultimately, it came down to the two protagonists as we all knew it would ... and would the outcome ever be in doubt? Heh. Except that Dalton gets overcome by a nasty streak of morality at the critical moment. No worries; Wesley's long-time victims blow the SOB away with multiple gunshots.
Why did Fox feel the need to discuss Cole Hamels' bathroom habits this past Saturday?
Suspect Lee Lewis must be a fan of this classic Jerky Boys bit.
From 1986: Classic William Shatner appearance on "Saturday Night Live" where the Enterprise has been turned into a restaurant ("Cap'n Kirk's"). Dana Carvey as arch-villain Khan is so dead-on, just try not to die laughing!
ďEverybodyís so busy wanting to be down with the gang. ďIím conservativeĒ, ďIím liberalĒ, ďIím conservativeĒ. Bullshit! Be a fucking person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, okay? Iíve got some shit Iím conservative about, Iíve got some shit Iím liberal about. Crime, Iím conservative. Prostitution, Iím liberal!" - Chris Rock
A tribute to those morons in infomercials who demonstrate perfectly why we need to buy the advertised product:
- Kavips posting from Bizarro world
... but as a sixteen year-old?
I think I'd be walking to school, even if it was ten miles away ... !!
Wacky, postmodern educationist mumbo jumbo about black actors using "whiteface" (h/t to Tongue Tied). All I know is that, by far the funniest thing I ever saw about this subject was back when Eddie Murphy was on "Saturday Night Live":
"I watched LOTS of 'Dynasty' ..."
Translation of an al Qaeda statement on the offing of Osama bin Laden:
Even when the Americans managed to kill Osama, they managed to do ONLY that by disgrace and betrayal. Men and heroes only should be confronted in the battlefields but at the end, thatís Godís fate.
WTF?? Says the scum who hijack airliners, plant clandestine explosive devices, bomb embassies, bomb trains, bomb subways, bomb buses, and murder/mutilate women for not being completely subordinate to their barbarian will?
Yeah ... that's "tough," alright.
(h/t to Campaign Spot.)
An oldie, but a goodie:
... I know it's all a bunch of horsesh**, too!
Leave it to the Brits. They are masters of the indirect insult:
Yeah you shouldn't become an artist easily. You should be like, born into it or something. Perhaps one has to get a tweener show on Nickelodeon or something to pay your dues as an *ahem* "artist" before going on tour.
I will however, point out the irony of Brits complaining about people being born into something they clearly don't deserve. *cough* Prince Charles *cough*
... a deadly "plutanium" leak:
That would be CBS Early Show co-host (and never-passed-science class) Chris Wragge.
Unions might be but grammar isn't.
Well, he'll tell you what he is not:
Here's a first look at the "Captain America: The First Avenger" movie poster:
Not well known is the fact that the title of the film has been changed for predominately "progressive" areas of the country. In these, the film will be known by several alternate monikers:
In San Francisco and Berkeley, the film will be known by all five titles simultaneously.
From Cracked.com: 8 Stupid Amazon Products With Impressively Sarcastic Reviews.
Check out this hilarious parody of the Teen Titans supergroup. My favorite: Christine O'Donnell as "Stark Raven"!!
Via Zero Out of Five:
Look at #6. Those of you who had even a little Spanish back in the day may remember that "pen" is usually either "[la] pluma" or "[el] bolŪgrafo."
"Pene" in Spanish means ... "penis."
I managed to miss this when I first read the article in Friday's News-Journal, but this headline from that day's Dear Abby column says more than it likely meant to:
Beau's awkward dad may need help
Via the AP:
Two Oklahoma women are accused of hiding hundreds of dollars worth of goods in their belly fat.
"These two individuals were actually concealing them in areas of their body where excess skin was," according to Officer James Hamm of the Edmond Police Department. "Under their chest area and up under armpits and things of that nature. They were concealing large items."
Edmond police say the women used their bodies to make the heist.
Police say they found 4 pairs of boots, 3 pairs of jeans, a wallet and gloves hidden on 28-year-old Ailene Brown and 37-year-old Shmeco Thomas. Officers say one of the women hid three of the boots beneath her breasts and bra.
I love that facial expression! And I wonder if she remembered to get me those Tims I wanted ...?
Here's how to end the ridiculous TSA screening procedures at airports, via PoliPundit:
Have Arizona pass a law saying that illegal aliens will be subject to these procedures as well! The federal government would immediately ask a judge to ban full-body scans.
Sounds ridiculous, but sadly it'd probably work!
Coming next to your local airport:
(E-mailed to me by a friend):
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. (Wait -- you mean women can't??)
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
... is here.
Via Weekly Standard Blog: Stewart Rally-goers: Obama Isn't a Keynesian -- He Was Born in Hawaii!
Once again our new Error Correction Technology(!) we can fix the President's latest remarks to make them truthful:
Remarks of President Barack Obama
As prepared for delivery
Saturday, October 16, 2010
After a decade of hardship for middle class families, and a recession that wiped away millions of jobs, we are in the middle of a tough fight to rebuild this economy and put folks back to work.
(Ed. -we're off to a good start. No corrections needed.)
Winning this fight will not depend on government
alone. It will depend on the innovation of American entrepreneurs; on the drive of American small business owners; on the skills and talents of American workers. These are the people who will help us grow our economy and create jobs.
(Ed. -not bad. One word must have slipped by the editor)
But government still has an important responsibility. And thatís to create an environment in which someone can raise capital to start a new company; where a business can get a loan to expand; where ingenuity is prized and folks are rewarded for their hard work.
(Ed. -sweet merciful God. He sounds positively capitalist! I blame the Tea Party)
Thatís why I fought so hard to pass a jobs bill to
cut tax es and make more loans available for entrepreneurs. It eliminated the capital gains taxes for key investments in small businesses. It increased the deduction to defray the costs of starting a company. And itís freeing up credit for folks who need it the biggest donors to my party. In fact, in just the first two weeks since I signed the bill, thousands of business owners have been able to get new loans through the SBA but not banks as they're too wary of uncertainty right now. So we're full steam ahead with government lending again. That worked out swimmingly last time.
But we need to do
more less. So Iíve proposed additional steps to grow the economy public sector and unions and spur hiring by businesses government across America. Now, one of the keys to job creation is to encourage companies to invest more in the United States. But for years, our tax code has actually given billions of dollars in tax breaks that encourage companies to create jobs and profits in other countries. These companies have wisely fled high tax and high regulatory environments for more business friendly ones. They realize their shareholders want ROI and if they don't provide that, someone else will.
I want to
close these tax loopholes tax the holy hell out of these bastards. Instead, I want to give every business in America a tax break so they can write off the cost of all new equipment they buy next year. Thatís going to make it easier for folks to expand and hire new people. They will not do either however, so long as I keep pushing forward with endless spending, taxing and regulations. I want to make the research and experimentation tax credit permanent but expect Democrats to wail and moan that Big Pharma and Big Oil will be using that tax credit to fullest possible extent. Because promoting new ideas and technologies is how weíll create jobs and retain our edge as the worldís engine of discovery and innovation. And I want to provide a tax cut for clean energy manufacturing right here in America. Because thatís how weíll lead the world in this growing industry. Big corporations are evil unless they're Apple or these mythical "green energy" jobs that are nothing more than giveaways to Algore and his ilk.
These are commonsense ideas which is remarkable coming from me as I appear to have none. Hell, I went to Ivy League schools and can't figure out car insurance. When more things are made in America, more families make it in America; more jobs are created in America; more businesses thrive in America. I will somehow take us backwards from an service economy with knowledge workers to a manufacturing economy with the highest labor costs in the world and we will somehow be able to compete with Chinese slave labor. But Republicans in Washington have consistently fought to keep these corporate loopholes open. We all know that Republicans and their magical loopholes are the only thing that drove the Big Three into ruin. Or the steel industry in Pennsylvania or textiles in South Carolina. Stupid loopholes Over the last four years alone, Republicans in the House voted 11 times to continue
rewarding corporations that create jobs and profits overseas tax cuts Ė a policy that costs taxpayers politicians billions of dollars every year.
Like most of my policies That doesnít make a lot sense. It doesnít make sense for American workers, American businesses, or Americaís economy. Just like the stimulus and health care plans do not make sense for any of these groups A lot of companies that do business internationally make an important contribution to our economy here at home (Ed. - a point so obvious Joe Biden probably wrote that line). Thatís a good thing. But there is no reason why our tax code should actively
reward them for creating jobs overseas punish them for making money. Instead, we should be using our tax dollars to reward companies that create jobs and businesses within our borders but I don't know how to do that and steal every last penny from them so I can spend it where I think it ought to go.
We should give tax breaks to American small businesses and manufacturers. We should reward the people who are helping
us Democrats lead in the industries of the future cash fundraising, like clean energy. Thatís how weíll ensure that American innovation and ingenuity are what drive the next century. Thatís how weíll put our people back to work and lead the global economy which, as I said before will be a Great Leap Forward to the 1950's when manufacturing was king in America. And thatís what Iíll be fighting for in the coming months. That, and my job. Oh, and my legacy. But also jobs.
I finally discovered this classic SNL skit from 1990 featuring host Rob Lowe. His impersonation of former late-night talk show host Arsenio Hall is dead-pan perfect -- as is how Hall's [usual] audience is portrayed. And check out Lowe's finger extensions!!
Florida US Senate candidate Charlie Crist tosses the first pitch at Tampa Bay's playoff game:
Maybe they're talking about health class?
(h/t to The Corner.)
I think we need a sport that is a combination of Simon Says, military style marching, and oh, I don't know, Fashion Week in New York. What's that? They already have it in Japan? Of course they do.
Update: Skip ahead to about 1:35 for it to begin.
An instant classic:
Well, the new school year is upon us, and as such it's time for a little education humor. The following was sent to me from a fellow teacher, but I make no claim as to its accuracy:
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Via Moe Lane:
1. The response of every Democrat to every Republican question or comment becomes, semantically speaking, ďGeorge W. Bush.Ē Up to and including ďWhat are the visiting hours for the art gallery?Ē
2. The Democrats start talking up ďscandalsĒ involving Republicans that wouldnít even get you a verbal reprimand at your job if you did them.
3. A Democratic legislator snaps and attempts to strangle someone. On camera.
4. The usual suspects start talking about how important it is to keep the Republicans from being able to overturn vetoes.
5. All talk of the filibuster dies the True Death.
6. The DSCC starts funding the New York races.
7. The DCCC starts funding urban House races.
8. We see a week of ďWill the Republicans try to impeach the President?Ē stories in the media. Or a month of them.
9. A convoluted theory appears that tortuously Ďprovesí that the Democrats are actually going to gain seats, really. It will involve three random trends whose relationship with each other is not immediately obvious. It will have a buzzword. Every site on the Left will talk it up for two weeks. It will then disappear without a trace.
10. ďOf course weíre going to keep Congress. GOTV will save us.Ē
Number one is my favorite, of course.
Via my buddy Brent:
Number 1 is hilarious, and reminds me of a buddy back in high school lambasting the 1960s "Batman" TV show. He said,
Now c'mon -- Mr. Freeze has Batman and Robin all tied up and dead to rights. But does he shoot 'em? HELL NO. He puts 'em in a big Slurpee where they slowly descend into the ice. Then he LEAVES so that 'ol Bats can conveniently figure out a way to escape with nobody around!
Conspicuously missing from the list: People entering a dark house or room ... and never bothering to turn on the f'ing lights!
Comics are certainly notorious for piggybacking on [short-lived] fads. Too often, they fail miserably. Case in point: Marvel's US 1.
Yep, that's the #1 comics publisher attempting to cash in on the CB radio craze of over three decades ago. (Although, Marvel issues didn't begin to cost 60 cents until at least 1983, the year US 1 debuted. Maybe the title bombed because Marvel was about five years too late?) US 1 is a trucker, natch ... "with a steel plate in his brain that lets him receive CB signals" -- his "CB Skull."
But what kind of trucker stands like that? And since when does a trucker look like Mike Reno of Loverboy?
Believe it or not, US 1 eventually was recruited by space aliens. Why? Because "what the Universe really needs are truckers! Why sure! Men of courage and intelligence who are strong-willed and independent! Men who could stand up to the rigors, and most especially the solitude, of space!"
(h/t: Heavy.com's "The 20 Worst Superheroes.")
Via the Wilmington News Journal: Delaware courts: Senators appeal for vote on Stark.
"Cooking With Pork" by The Value of Human Life Index.
Just one of the top five dance tunes featured on the "Dieter's Dance Party" episode of Saturday Night Live's "Sprockets" from 1990.
I'm positively gobsmacked. Really? $150 haircuts? How is this possible? I've never wanted to be a barber before but I'm sure that for $150 a pop in a country that poor I'd have a pretty comfortable margin.
I could open a barber shop offering nothing but crew cuts and charge a mere $75 apiece and probably do just fine.
So awesome. The thing looks like it weighs forty pounds and I can't imagine the amount of RF signal leak on that thing. My kids are going to laugh hysterically when I show them my current cell phone in a few years I'm sure.
Who knew? According to the enlightened brains at the Wilmington News Journal, 420 million kids are on waiting lists for charter schools!
Population of the USA? About 307 million.
... time to see how freakin' stupid some of us are:
Watch this Yankee fan on his cell phone (and therefore not paying attention) catch a ground rule double with his face:
Check out the dude in the back right:
Hey -- I'm sleepy tired of his rhetoric too!
Right here. I knew it'd come about eventually!
The science is "settled" -- no longer can we continue to use warp drive to traverse the stars. It's gradual effect is tearing apart the fabric of space!
Someone alert the MSM:
(h/t: The Nose on Your Face.)
Actually, it's [the hilarious] Jimmy Fallon:
Well worth the wait:
|The Daily Show With Jon Stewart||Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c|
|Special Comment - Keith Olbermann's Name-Calling|
Man, I didn't even know he ran in '08! What happened?
Courtesy of one Capt. B.F. "Hawkeye" Pierce:
A musical about Barack Obama's "Yes we can" election campaign premieres in Germany this weekend, including love songs by the president to his wife Michelle and duets with Hillary Clinton.
In all, 30 singers, actors and dancers are to perform in the musical "Hope ó the Obama Musical Story" when it opens at the Jahrhunderthalle concert hall in Frankfurt in a bilingual mix of English and German. The audience may recognize that many songs quote from the politicians' stump speeches during the 2008 U.S. presidential campaign.
Word is that upcoming Obama musicals are:
A Glengarry Christmas (h/t to The Provocateur):
The original (Alec Baldwin's best-ever performance in motion pictures):
With apologies to Andy McCarthy:
To All My Liberal Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To All My Conservative Friends:
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Uh oh -- wonder when Sharpton and co. will begin the protests:
Since our local channel 57 doesn't carry the 11:00am "Three Stooges" anymore, here's the second half of one of my favorite episodes, where minutes 3:00 to 4:06 absolutely kill me:
How pumpkin pie is really made:
(h/t to cardinals fan!)
My daughter stopped me yesterday while we were food shopping, all the while she was laughing hysterically. Why? Looks like whoever decorated this cake only likes one member of the team:
Eagles support FAIL!!
The Shark Guys lay it all out:
10) Spencer and Heidi Pratt:
(Excerpts from an appearance on the radio show of Alex Jones , himself a conspiracy theorist and the man behind ďThe Obama DeceptionĒ ): ďWeíve been nonstop researching the Internet Ö for information for at least a month all day every day,Ē said Heidi. Spencer added: ďFrom your [Jones'] research, it [9/11] 100 percent is [an inside job] Ö ďI want to throw up.Ē
Hube says: The Pratts, living examples of why modern television is the cultural downfall of civilization (they're the stars of "The Hills"), are regular targets of Joel McHale on "The Soup" (the one show that recognizes how awful modern TV truly is). They probably have a combined IQ in the two-digit range. As for Jones, the dude is just a nut, period. One of his "followers" hassled me for a time years ago when I had the old "Cube" blog. Ultimately, he had to resort to making light of the fact that I collected comics.
9) Woody Harrelson:
ďI am reading a book now called The New Pearl Harbor by David Ray Griffin. Iíve been stuck in the position of ignoring my gut ó knowing things donít stack up. Even though our government obviously took advantage of 9/11 by making it their 'Reichstag,' I told myself, 'Surely they werenít involved.' After reading this book I canít doubt that our government was at least complicit in allowing 9/11 to happen.Ē
Hube says: The Shark Guys provide a fact I never knew -- Harrelson's father was widely thought by conspiracy buffs to be involved in the murder of JFK! He actually bragged about it when it came to light, too.
8) Mos Def:
ďI donít believe it was bin Laden today. I donít believe it was never him Ö Iím sorry, Iím from the projects, I know danger. I donít feel no danger from that shitÖ Highly-educated people in all areas of science have spoken on the fishiness around the whole 9/11 theory.Ē
Hube says: Didn't he contradict himself with that "I don't believe it was never him" double negative? And WTF does being from the projects have to do with common sense? Def sounds like NPR's Frank James.
7) Willie Nelson:
ďI saw one fall, and it was just so symmetrical, I said wait a minute. I just saw that last week at the casino in Las Vegas, and you see these implosions all the time. And the next one fell, and I said, hell, thereís another one Ė and theyíre trying to tell me that an airplane did it, and I canít go along with that Ö What does it take for us to realize weíre having the wool pulled over our eyes one more time?Ē
Hube says: I have a soft spot for poor Willie, having had to deal with the IRS for a decent portion of his life. And I can forgive his wretched duet with Julio Iglesias, "To All The Girls I've Loved Before." But seeing a demolition in Vegas doesn't mean something sinister happened in NYC on 9/11.
6) Tom DeLonge of Blink 182:
ďWe do know that the buildings came down in a fashion extremely similar to a controlled demolition of a building Ė we do know that expertise that is needed to fly those gigantic planes into that exact location could never have been achieved by someone that just learned how to fly a small plane.Ē
Hube says: I'm not sure which is worse -- Blink 182 or 1985's awful film "Turk 182!" starring Timothy Hutton. As Shark notes, "Salon.com in an 'Ask The Pilot' article addressing 9/11 questions, quoted someone who did fly planes for living as saying: Ö Striking the Pentagon, or navigating along the Hudson River to Manhattan on a cloudless morning, with the sole intention of steering head-on into a building, did not require a mastery of airmanship.Ē But c'mon -- DeLonge is a musician in a famous band! He has to be heard! Listened to! DeLonge also said Dick Cheney knew about the whole thing. Yeah, right. Just yet another reason to shun modern music.
5) Marion Cotillard:
ďWe see other towers of the same kind being hit by planes. Are they burned? There was a tower, I believe it was in Spain, which burnt for 24 hours. It never collapsed. None of these towers collapsed. And there [in NY], in a few minutes, the whole thing collapsed.Ē
Hube says: Sorry, but being unbelievably hot doesn't mean you should act like a total dunderhead. On second thought, maybe it does. Cotillard believes that the US government purposely "blew up" the towers in NYC because it was cheaper than "re-cabling" them. Of course, this doesn't address why a plane smashed into the Pentagon, and why another was on its way to DC.
4) Jesse Ventura:
ďHow could those buildings fall at the speed of gravity Ė if you put a stopwatch on them both of those World Trade Center buildings were on the ground in ten seconds Ė how can that be? Never before in the annals of history has a fire caused a steel structure building to fall to the ground like these two did.Ē
Hube says: Shark notes that Jesse moved to Mexico to "escape fascism." Good luck with that, Jess -- I just hope your saved up cash from "Predator" and "The Running Man" is sufficient for living in a country where bribery takes precedent over the law. Talk about fascism!
3) Rosie O'Donnell:
ďIt is impossible for a building to fall the way it fell without explosives being involved ó World Trade Center 7. World Trade 1 and 2 got hit by planes. 7, miraculously, the first time in history, steel was melted by fire. It is physically impossible."
Hube says: O'Donnell's lunacy is legendary, to say the least. To believe that fire cannot melt steel is essentially believing that steel is actually adamantium.
2) Janeane Garofolo:
ď9/11 was an inside job!! I have come to this conclusion about that. Ö I think all Air America phone-in callers should open by saying, Ď9/11 was an inside job. We can all agree on that,' then get on with their specific question or comment. We should re-condition the listening audience to accept the Truth about 9/11 as the gospel.Ē
Hube says: Garofolo is supposed to be a comedienne; she's never been particularly funny -- unless you count her moronic beliefs as "humor." Garofolo most recently has offered that all the Tea Party protestors are "racist" (surprise there, eh?). Now that's some original material!
1) Charlie Sheen:
ďIt seems to me like 19 amateurs with box cutters taking over four commercial airliners and hitting 75 percent of their targets, that feels like a conspiracy theory. It raises a lot of questions.Ē
Hube says: "I think I made a big mistake coming here, grandma." That's what Sheen's character in "Platoon" wrote home at one point. In real life he might wanna write "I think I made a bad career move, acting nutty like this." Sheen recently recorded a video message to President Obama imploring him to [re]investigate Sept. 11, 2001. Yeah, that'll work. One thing to wonder: Maybe Sheen's role in "The Arrival" transformed him into a "believer?"
Perhaps better to consider is what Sheen's character in "Wall Street" thought to himself on his Manhattan apt. balcony: "Who am I?" Answer: A nutjob.
h/t to Campaign Spot:
... I'll have to be content with YouTube, I guess:
... our LGOMB (Local Gaggle of Moonbat Bloggers) would be the skinniest people on the planet.
Check out #2 on the list.
Despite this vulgarity (LOL), Sheldon Mayer's yarn may be the best I've yet read in this DC sci-fi title. It's sort of a "Timecop" tale, where an unscrupulous 25th century dude plans to make himself rich back in the 19th century. It utilizes a "closed loop" time geometry; the protagonist gets rich by betting with Martian industrial diamonds. However, these diamonds contain a strain of the "Martian Flu" which proceeds to wipe out all of humanity in a few years! Our protagonist discovers this sordid fact after he jaunts sixty years up the timestream (still in the 19th century) to take advantage of his accumulated riches. Oops. He can't even jaunt back to his home 25th century because humanity is dead -- time travel will never have been invented, so his traveling device is useless! But ... if dead humanity prevents time travel from being invented, why is our protagonist still alive?? He'd never have been born!
(Also at The Comics of Rhodey.)
Or, Jason Scott aka Kent Dorfman:
Poor Toledo Mayoral Candidate Ben Konop (D). He just can't shake one persistent (albeit uninspired) heckler:
(h/t: Small Dead Animals.)
Newsbusters' P.J. Gladnick is on it: It's called "QAHCAA." Figure out the phonetic equivalent!
If a conservative had made this blunder, it'd be big news as "evidence" that "racism" is not dead. Check out the graphic from MSNBC's "Hardball" Monday night:
Yep, that's Obama Senate replacement Roland Burris on a graphic about Obama's handling of the economy. DOH!
(h/t: Media Blog.)
Obama dissed by the Russkies -- that, or they think Barack didn't wash his hands after he took a leak:
(Thanks to my buddy Greg for sending this via e-mail!)
(h/t: The Corner.)
Courtesy Rich Lowry:
On the Sack of Rome: "Any time a major urban area is plundered so quickly, it is concerning to us. We are sure the Gauls and Chieftain Brennus understand Roman worries about the utter devastation of their city."
On the Blitz: "Any time a city is bombed for 57 straight nights, we take notice. That is something that interests us. We hope all national air forces involved in this dismaying conflict behave responsibly."
On the creation of the Berlin Wall: "Any time a barrier divides people we get worried, and perhaps even chagrined. We hope all Germans can work this out amicably, and agree on construction standards and building materials going forward. We, as Americans, stand ready to observe closely."
On the boat-people exodus from Vietnam: "Any time people resort to watercraft in such numbers that is certainly notable. I'm sure the Provisional Revolutionary Government of the Republic of South Vietnam will work with its duly constituted maritime authorities to resolve this matter in a manner satisfactory to all parties.Ē
Check it out -- a variant cover of Fantastic Four #21 in glorious black & white discovered in a dusty long box (click on image for larger version):
Check out this graphic regarding the Virginia governor's race.
... had said something similar about one of the Obama daughters. Or any other Democrat's young daughter.
Just one more reason I gave up watching David Letterman years ago: Dave's "classy" joke about 14-year old Willow Palin.
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore with Introduction by Michelle Obama
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev. Jesse Jackson & Rev. Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
by Bill Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY
by Nancy Pelosi
My buddy Greg sent this via e-mail:
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
If Iron Man saves you, exactly how rude is it to stick refrigerator magnets to his back when he isnít looking?
(h/t: IMAO and Paul Smith Jr.)
Bet you never knew these factoids!
Hilarious, but with a definite ring of truth.
Courtesy of the ever-awesome Mark Engblom:
Via e-mail from my friend Greg:
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'
She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston .'
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'
'Well,' she explained, 'One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.'
'Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'
'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.'
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And then the fight started ...
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy Shit. That must be my husband!" So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!" The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?" And then the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And then the fight started....
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah," I replied. "She can order for herself." And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too." And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started.........
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a scale. And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started.
Check it out via The Tank.
Via e-mail courtesy of my pal Greg:
OK, I couldn't stop laughing for about five minutes after first seeing this (courtesy Instapundit):
Funniest part? The don't even change the name of "The Comedian" for Joe Biden.
My buddy Brent and I coughed up lungs in laughter while watching this Saturday Night Live sketch last night. Of course, it helps that the actors can't control their own laughter!!
Put in such a helpful "picture" as this:
Via Media Blog:
Check it out -- you'll love it!
Here's one that had me in giggles for several minutes:
The Hatemonger's Quarterly on the Israel-Gaza conflict.
ďSome troops unhappy about Obama pledge on gaysĒ is a headline on Yahoo News regarding Obamaís planned repeal of the ďDonít ask, donít tellĒ policy on gays in the military.
Umm Ö check out the article authorís name.
Well, ain't really mine ...
(h/t: Paul Smith Jr.)
A sign seen at a Philly Burger King:
Courtesy Shirley over at DE Curmudgeon.
A new £4.7m primary school in Sheffield is facing criticism for dropping the word "school" from its title after governors decided the term had "negative connotations."
The headteacher of Sheffield's Watercliffe Meadow, Linda Kingdon, said the south Yorkshire school, which is due to open on Monday, will instead be called a "place for learning."
"We decided from an early stage we didn't want to use the word 'school'," she told local newspaper the Sheffield Star.
"This is Watercliffe Meadow, a place for learning. One reason was many of the parents of the children here had very negative connotations of school."
Ye gads. What's next?
Along these same [ridiculous] lines, I often joked with my students at how certain subjects over the years have had their monikers changed to a more ... "PC" orientation. For instance, "Shop" is now "Technology Education" (frequently called "Tech Ed") and "Home Economics" is now -- wait for it -- "Family and Consumer Science" (usually dubbed "FCS"). So, in keeping with this meme, a number of years back I "renamed" my class from "Spanish" to the edu-babblish "Acquisition of Indo-Iberian European Language."
About five years ago, one student of mine thought it was such a [hilariously] cool idea that she made a huge banner for the classroom with that title. It's hung in my room prominently every year since.
You may be aware how Marvel is generating their "universe" on the silver screen; that is, their characters will exist in the same continuity. You saw how Samuel L. Jackson appeared at the end of "Iron Man" as well as "The Incredible Hulk;" well, there you have it.
Early buzz for "Iron Man 2" has it that the Spider-Man characters will make their way into Iron Man continuity, in particular Peter Parker's Aunt May. As she suffers from the infirmity of old age, Tony Stark designs a special suit of armor for her to help resist its plight -- and in addition allows her to defend New York alongside her arachnid-powered nephew! She'll be ...
(This Iron Man parody originally appeared in an all-humor edition of What If? -- #34 -- and was drawn by IM creator supreme Bob Layton.)
Or does he want people to simply eat fruits and vegetables rather than drinking 'em? At any rate, nothing much funnier than illiterate haters:
(h/t to LGF.)
You may already know my favorite comics blog is Mark Engblom's Comic Coverage. And this post is a perfect reason why. It's even better than last year's, and that post made me cry laughing at it was!
... the name of the film or a generic advertisement as to what's showing?
(The above image comes from here.)
Just now on O'Reilly's show, Miller on billionaire and CNN founder Ted Turner (who appeared on "The Factor" yesterday):
"What's with the 'Dick Van Dyke on Thorazine with a milk mustache' look? I mean, what's THAT deal?"
A friend tipped me to this; the facial expressions just kill me:
Via the Independent (UK):
Indeed, new research at the University of Rochester in New York state shows that boys born to mothers with raised levels of phthalates were more likely to have smaller penises and undescended testicles. They also had a shorter distance between their anus and genitalia, a classic sign of feminisation. And a study at Rotterdam's Erasmus University showed that boys whose mothers had been exposed to PCBs grew up wanting to play with dolls and tea sets rather than with traditionally male toys.
On the more serious side, wouldn't that last sentence perturb sociologists who believe that gender is merely a sociological "construct?" (Just scroll down to the Optional Modules - List B, course SO229 to see what I mean.) In other words, isn't just how we raise our boys and girls that determines what, for example, they play with?
One of my favorite films from my youth is "The Right Stuff" (1983). Of course, being a huge aficionado of fighter aircraft, space flight and the battles of the Cold War made this a perfect choice for yours truly. Despite the film's length (over three hours, but it goes by quickly), the flick (based on Tom Wolfe's novel) is epic, charting the development of early space shots from Chuck Yeager's first sound barrier-breaking flight (1947) through the end of the Mercury Program (1963). And perhaps the very best thing is the humor that is injected into the story. Jeff Goldblum and Harry Shearer play two government bureaucrat recruiters whose wordplay and friendly arguments are riotous. But it is Donald Moffat's portrayal of Lyndon Johnson that really makes the movie, in my opinion, as evidenced by this clip (you'll also see some of Goldblum's and Shearer's antics):
The best dialogue:
SCIENTIST: "By combining our available rockets, the Redstone, the Atlas, I agree with those who say we could launch a pod."
JOHNSON: "A POT?"
SCIENTIST: "A POD! A capsule."
JOHNSON: "Well, what kind of SPAY-CEE-MEN?"
SCIENTIST: "A tough one... responsive to orders... I had in mind a chimp."
JOHNSON: "'Jimp?' Well, what the hell is a 'jimp?'"
SCIENTIST: "A chimp, a chimpanzee, senator, uh, an ape, unh?"
... still being able to laugh my ass off. This has to be one of the best baseball bloopers of all time, and it couldn't have happened to a bigger douche:
I love great impersonations, and Frank Caliendo doing Charles Barkley always gets me bagging up royally:
My favorite segment from the Rodney Dangerfield classic "Back to School":
(Yes, only Trek fans will get this.)
From SNL. Ben Affleck does a terrific job!!
Just kidding. This ain't me. Not to say it isn't a good idea, 'tho ... ;-)
Courtesy loyal Colossus reader "cardinals fan":
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
... NOW I've seen everything!
Jesse Jackson on how the US's view of Israel (and the Jewish lobby) will change if Barack Obama wins on November 4th:
PREPARE for a new America: That's the message that the Rev. Jesse Jackson conveyed to participants in the first World Policy Forum, held at this French lakeside resort last week.
He promised "fundamental changes" in US foreign policy - saying America must "heal wounds" it has caused to other nations, revive its alliances and apologize for the "arrogance of the Bush administration."
The most important change would occur in the Middle East, where "decades of putting Israel's interests first" would end.
Jackson believes that, although "Zionists who have controlled American policy for decades" remain strong, they'll lose a great deal of their clout when Barack Obama enters the White House.
Those damn Joooooooos again, right Jesse? It might be time for another Jackson explanation/apology akin to the one he offered back in the early 80s when he referred to New York City as "Hymietown":
The bar scene from "48 Hours" (profanity alert):
That would be the "James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub":
"I Am Dimwitty" by dimwitty.
I think I am it,
although I am a dipsh**.
My IQ is pre-teen,
my intellect has anyone seen?
Someone teach me how to spell,
my blogging name myself do tell.
I can't believe I wrote this crap,
as everyone must know, I'm such a sap.
Really, who'da 'ya think?
(h/t to the inalienable Gooch!)
From Olbermann Watch:
Next up: Barack's visit to my alma mater University of Delaware where he'll give a shout out to the Fightin' "Blue Hands."
Advice from Jim the Mechanic (Frank McRae) from 1980's "Used Cars:"
Barack "The Messiah" Obama visited all 57 states.
Virginia Governor Tim Kaine on Fox News Sunday:
Well, first, Joe (Biden) comes from a state, Delaware, that borders Virginia. The eastern shore part of Virginia and Delaware are not only bordering but very, very similar. And I think there's a lot in common, and Joe understands that.
That's actually impossible for Joe to understand, Tim, as Delaware and Virginia share NO common border. Maryland gets in the way for a small bit there.
Wonder why a state's chief exec doesn't know this?
Remember, Biden yesterday did call him "Barack America."
Stay tuned for the Marvel comic ...
(h/t: Media Blog.)
Via The Corner's Peter Kirsanow. (Personally, I like #20):
It's unlikely you'll vote for Obama if you....
1. aren't a news anchor.
2. read the New York Times for pretty much the same reason the NSA monitors radio transmissions.
3. automatically conclude that the person laughing in the car next to you must be listening to Rush. Or maybe Obama off teleprompter.
4. dislocated your shoulder trying to explain Obama's position on Iraq to co-workers.
5. find autobiographies generally more interesting when the author has, you know, done something.
6. remember the Carter Administration.
7. would give a month's pay to play Jack Bauer's partner on 24.
8. increasingly agree with Mark Steyn that "almost everything [Obama] says is, well, nuts."
9. think it's relevant ó despite what the sophisticates say ó that several of Obama's mentors and associates have displayed a dislike for America or a disdain for Americans.
10. think it's relevant that several of McCain's mentors and associates are American heroes of historic magnitude.
11. think about 9/11 more than once a year.
12. have concluded that Larry the Cable Guy makes way more sense than Howard Dean.
13. feel a little safer during turbulence when your pilot is a calm "white haired dude."
14. thought about Hillary's 3:00 a.m. phone call ad when you first heard about Russian tanks in Georgia.
15. wonder why Obama felt it necessary to give a speech on patriotism.
16. get sorta creeped out by 200,000 Germans chanting "Obama! Obama!"
17. think the jury may still be out on Harvard Law School.
18. suspect "merci beaucoup" is French for "empty suit."
19. doubt that teleprompters are really magical dispensers of good ideas.
20. know in your gut that defiantly withstanding 4 1/2 years of torture trumps all of Obama's qualifications and accomplishments combined ó regardless of what the elite pundits say.
21. repeatedly find yourself asking "Change to what?"
22. have ever used the term "pompous twit' in the same sentence with "Marx," "Marcuse," or "Sartre."
23. don't like being told what to do ó especially by someone who hasn't done it.
24. really like ticking off the media, Hollywood, academics, and PC busybodies everywhere.
25. weren't born yesterday.
Score (# of descriptions that apply to you):
0ó Go ahead, write in Dennis Kucinich
1ó3 Obama may be your choice after all
4ó5 You think Hillary got a raw deal and won't vote Obama
6ó24 McCain's your man
25 It's OK to write in Reagan
UPDATE: Kirsanow has 25 more (from readers):
You're unlikely to vote for Obama if you.....
1. aren't registered to vote in France or Germany.
2. believe Gen. Petraeus is more important than Al Gore.
3. nod every time you read a Thomas Sowell column.
4. have ever caught yourself humming the theme from" The Green Berets."
5. have gotten your pants dirty in the last week.
6. kinda like a good steak once in a while.
7. have accidentally discharged your gun during church services in a bitter fit of antipathy over people who aren't like you.
8. wouldn't mind knowing if your 14 year old daughter was being taken by a non-family member to Toledo for an abortion.
9. prefer the Super Bowl to the World Cup.
10. know Sig Sauer isn't the name of Obama's domestic policy advisor.
11. are certain Obama would've taken the tank ride if Dukakis hadn't beaten him to it.
12. can't describe Obama's position on the surge without using the word "incoherent."
13. don't think having a baby is "punishment.".
14. have heard about Obama's vote against the Induced Birth Infant Liability Act.
15. tend to giggle whenever Nancy Pelosi talks energy policy.
16. think your taxes are plenty high already, thank you very much.
17. prefer legislation come from Congress, not the Supreme Court
18. believe we'd be in a world of hurt if we'd followed Obama's advice on Iraq last year.
19. resent the suggestion you're a racist for treating Obama like a serious presidential candidate.
20. hear the name "Osama Bin Laden" and words other than "habeas corpus" come to mind.
21. were to meet William Ayers, you'd be more likely to bop him in the nose than join his board.
22. list either Patton, Braveheart or 300 among your favorite movies.
23. realize that Obama's Speech of the Century on race was, in hindsight, a crock.
24. wonder which government agency is in charge of healing the planet.
25. personally know somebody who packs his passport whenever traveling to San Francisco... just in case.
Score (# of descriptions that apply to you):
0ó You heard that according to Publisher's Clearinghouse, Al Gore won Florida
1ó3 You think that had Ron Paul gotten more time in the debates he'd be the nominee
4ó24 McCain's your man
25 If only Fred Thompson would drink more coffee....
This is frickin' hilarious -- a guy from the Young America's Foundation asks Rep. William Jefferson (D) what "the best way to store $90K in a freezer" is:
(h/t: La Shawn Barber.)
Insert Jason & dimwitty joke [here.]
"What Barack Obama was talking about was that he didn't get here after spending decades in Washington. There is nothing more to this than the fact that he was describing that he was new to the political scene. He was referring to the fact that he didn't come into the race with the history of others. It is not about race." -- Obama Communications Director Robert Gibbs.
Let's see: "Doesn't LOOK like all the presidents ..." Right. And how much "time" did Washington spend ... in Washington?
Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman:
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when
you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!
Where is McCain's intellectual curiosity? Over the past decade, more and more Americans of all ages have become wired. Using email and the Internet has become a fundamental activity of modern life. How could McCain, who has long wanted to lead this nation, say to himself, I don't need to know how this stuff works? And in an era when so much depends on the Internet--including much of the economy and aspects of national security--how could a senior legislator and commander-in-chief wannabe eschew firsthand experience of how this series of tubes and wires functions?
TUBES? As the text lingo would say, "ROTFLMAO!"
Below is a pic of Corn's computer, obviously retrofitted with a modem so he can blog:
Courtesy of Newsbusters reader Ira B.:
Man jumps from plane with no parachute, dies.
Courtesy of MSNBC.com
Any golfers, serious or otherwise, ever hit a house adjacent to a golf course? How 'bout a car in the parking lot? A fellow golfer?
I've hit a couple [town]houses along Porky Oliver's 7th hole before. There's a huge amount of protective netting along that fairway; however, it's still easy to put an errant shot through it.
I've never hit a car, although my car was hit once -- at the same Porky Oliver's. I was parked a safe distance (or so I thought) from the 9th hole (which is very close to the parking lot), yet my old Honda CRX had a big dent in its roof when I finished my round. Either someone hit a massive hook on the 9th tee to reach my car (unlikely), or a mild hook found its way to the parking lot and my car was on the receiving end of a bounce (more likely).
I've actually seen a moving car get drilled. It was only a few weeks ago at the revamped Rock Manor. A hole on the back nine is right alongside a new road that traverses the course. One of the guys I was playing with hits his drive and immediately yells "I think I got it!" "Got what," I asked? BOOM! He had hooked his drive right into the side of an oncoming Toyota. The car never stopped, although from the look on the passengers' faces, they were none too happy. 'Ya think?
Lastly, I have indeed hit another golfer with a shot while on the course. But -- it wasn't really my fault. At Chester County, PA's Loch Nairn course, a good buddy of mine and myself were a twosome. The very slow foursome in front of us graciously allowed us to play through at the second tee. My buddy hit his drive. Not well, mind you, but it was OK. My turn, next. One of the foursome was standing only about 150 yds. from the tee box, just a little to the left. He was right out in the open. Worst of all, he wasn't paying attention. SMACK! I hit my drive and it duck hooks left -- right at the guy! I immediately yell "FORE! FORE!!!!" Too late. The guy looks up when the speeding ball is almost upon him. It actually looks comical from my vantage point because he doesn't know which way to duck out of the way. In his indecision, he barely moves at all -- and my shot catches him full in the chest!! My buddy and I wince and exclaim "AWWW!" in unison, all the while suppressing laughter (you just hadda see the guy juking right and left trying to decide which way to duck!). We drive down to the guy and I ask "You OK, man?" He manages to get out "What do you think??" In my defense, I explain that I yelled "fore" right away and point out that he wasn't even watching us hit off the tee. No response. Not wanting to exacerbate the situation, my buddy and I don't bother completing the hole. We drive right to the third tee box. All the while clandestinely chuckling.
Lesson: Never, EVER take your eyes off a guy who's hitting from in back of you.
Courtesy of the ever-hilarious Hatemonger's Quarterly.
I stopped over to visit my folks this afternoon, and they related this unintentionally knee-slapping anecdote to me:
A New Zealand driver who used a fake car seat belt to fool police was killed when it failed him in a head-on crash, local media reported Saturday.
Ivan Segedin refused to wear a seat belt while driving and had been fined 32 times in the past five years for not wearing one, a coroner's court heard Friday.
Segedin, 39, died in a crash on July 22 last year from multiple injuries when his car crossed the road and collided head-on with an oncoming vehicle on North Island, coroner Carla na Nagara said.
"Ultimately Mr. Segedin's actions in driving without a seat belt have cost him his life in an accident that he may well have survived had he worn one," the New Plymouth Daily News quoted her saying.
In recent memory, I can think of no better example of irony than this!
I just switched to the beginning of "Meet the Press." Tim Russert's first guest, Senator Chris Dodd, greeted Russert with "Good morning, Tim. Happy Mother's Day."
Russert hesitated for a couple seconds seeming to wonder if it was a joke. So did I!
A friend of mine e-mailed this:
We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and
a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a
huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?
I like the Danes. ;-)
This is pretty funny, especially the first one.
(h/t to The Corner.)
According to MSNBC.com circa 7:30pm, that is:
Zombie is the best. His pics are spectacular and accompanying commentary hilarious. His latest is the portfolio of the Iraq War fifth anniversary protest(s) in San Francisco. Here are some of my personal faves (some cropped and emphasized):
Check out the circled sign. Three letters: WTF??
Gotta love it. Defending China's rule over Tibet. Nice.
This guy obviously is a graduate of this site's spelling school. Maybe he's a global warming skeptic -- y'know, the coming "thaw" won't kill us?
Her next birthday present: A friggin' razor.
Spongebob Squarepants' Patchy the Pirate:
Golf great Jim Furyk:
This isn't necessarily an instance of media bias, but talk about your ever-lovin' lame writing:
Knife-wielding muggers attacked a jogger running in Central Park to prepare for an Army physical fitness test, police and his family said.
"I'm in a lot of pain," Johnny Reberon, 23, said as he returned from a hospital Friday to his Manhattan home.
He was slashed in the arm and leg by two men who accosted him around 8:45 p.m. Thursday, police said. (Link.)
It was Mr. Reberon who was preparing for the Army. Now read that first sentence again!
(h/t to Greg!)
7:00 pm Opening flag burning
7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. in Spanish
7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging
7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore
8:15 pm Gay Wedding - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm Our Troops Are War Criminals - John Kerry and John Murtha
9:00 pm Saddam Memorial Rally - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
11:00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbara Streisand
11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn
11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs William (Bill) Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Center Towers - Howard Dean & Rosie O'Donnell
12:15 am 'Truth in Broadcasting Award' - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi
12:50 am Speech and toast by Hugo Chavez to the departure of 'The Great Satan', George W. Bush
12:55 am Hillary proposes a toast to our 89 million new Democratic Mexican voters
1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast to the extinction of the Republican party
1:05 am Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton
1:30 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home
(h/t: Soccer Dad)
One of the more hilarious endings to a comics character's [own magazine's] career takes place in Marvel's Kazar the Savage #34 from 1984. After the conclusion to a multi-part epic, the "epilogue" has the protagonist lifted from time and space, and he finds himself being chased in the dark by shadowed entities. Eventually he spots a large building, and makes his way inside. He busts through a massive door to find he's reached ...
Yep, that's what it says: "The Land of Cancelled Heroes." Of course, however, many of those "cancelled" characters went on to continue their "existence" in the Marvel Universe (some proudly!), especially the Silver Surfer, Nova, Spider-Woman, Ms. Marvel, and [Black] Goliath (although he was recently killed in the so-called epic "Civil War" saga).
See if you can pick them out, but better yet -- name some other characters in that pic!
The next time you make a fake ID, don't put your girlfriend in the damn picture!!
(h/t to Greg!)
One of the few sci-fi staples of the 1970s was the TV show "Six Million Dollar Man." Lee Majors (married at the time to goddess Farrah Fawcett) played Colonel Steve Austin, an astronaut who is severely injured in a flight accident, and is subsequently "rebuilt" with bionic implants which essentially make him a super-human. The show was a smash hit, and of course, numerous Six Million Dollar Man products hit the kiddie shelves as well as comicbook advertising pages (click image for larger view):
Sure, by today's standards the ad is beyond cheesy, but what makes this cheese especially high in dairy fat is Steve Austin's "Special Mission Outfit":
Denim leisure suit?? For "special" missions? Like, where -- rooting out the Communist influence from ... Studio 54?
I kid you not. This is a real eBay auction as of this post (click on image for larger view):
(h/t to Newsbusters reader Jorge T.!)
We're movin' up a few years since the last few quirks. Here we have "The Adventures of Gritboy" from Defenders #63 from 1978! Grit was a newspaper that kids could sell to earn some extra cash:
The actual final panel ought to go like this:
This time we have an intense thriller-of-an-ad from Iron Man #44 from 1971! It's the
I'm still finding some gems in those old Iron Man comics from the early 70s. Now, I'm diggin' the names of some of these "companies." Check this one out:
Here's that company moniker that's circled in red, in case your peepers aren't that great:
The Height Increase Bureau! Sounds like a subdivision of the F.B.I. or something. I can hear J. Edgar Hoover back in his heyday: "Boys, we need a lot more taller agents!" And bingo -- the H.I.B. was born.
Next we have another great "company" appellation:
The P.V.I.!! But if one wants a "he-man" voice, why not call it the "He-Man Voice Institute"? You might get too many inquiries from budding singers, otherwise.
Hey everyone! Can you believe we've all been sitting on our asses while the greatest invention of the last 500 years was discovered over forty years ago?? That's right -- I just found this ad in yet another early 1970s Iron Man issue (#49 from 1972, specifically):
Can you imagine that? For a crummy quarter and a dime, an ANTI-GRAVITY DEVICE can be yours!!
What's not generally known is that Tony Stark (Iron Man's alter-ego) created the thing! That's right -- and then he proved what a lousy capitalist he is by offering it to the public at large ... for a crummy 35 cents!
As I've mentioned several times, my favorite comics site (it is the best comics blog out there!) is Mark Engblom's Comic Coverage. Mark's a wiz with graphics; indeed, some of his best work is when he delves into the comical (pun intended) minutae of comicbooks, like their faux pas' and the [sometimes unintentionally] humorous ads that inhabit the pages of older books.
Anyhoo, last night as I'm laying in bed getting ready for slumberville, I find myself reading some early 1970s Iron Man books (surprise there, eh?). My daughter was beside me asking me questions about IM's origins and history, and when I turn one of the pages, daughter stops me: "Look at that ad!" she says, and proceeds to bust out in laughter. And no wonder:
You can check out a larger version of the ad here. A man's wig -- for the remarkably low price of $7.95!! Got an oversized dome? No worries -- this wig "stays in place on all size heads"! But I wonder -- would it fit a guy like Incredible Hulk nemesis The Leader (at left)?? It's also "cool and lightweight," yo. That's great, but was it really necessary to put "lightweight" in there? Like, what else would it be? Fifteen friggin' pounds or something?
But probably the best thing about this eight-buck piece (excuse me, that's seven ninety-five) is that it is constructed of "modacrylic fiber"! It "looks and feels like real hair -- has luster, rich body and bounce of human hair." It can also be "washed and shampooed," and it "never loses its shape"! Perhaps this ad is just too modest -- or didn't have enough room -- to continue on about that miracle modacrylic fiber. This fiber also makes the wig "dimensionally stable," "easily dyed," and resistant to "chemicals and solvents"! Oh, and did I leave out fireproof? Yes I did, dammit! And silly me -- it's also "not attacked by moths or mildew"! Sheesh!
But just take a gander at that dude's expression in the ad. You just know he's thinking "How the f*** did I get sucked into doing this?? This has got to be the most asinine-looking rug ever." I also like how the ad states "Mention Style M-105" when you order. I can see the dudes at Franklin Fashions when they open the mail: "Hey Joe! Another M-105!" and then the whole factory erupts in raucous laughter.
UPDATE: DE blogger extraordinaire Dana Garrett (at left) sends me word that he actually tried out one of these things:
"Hube: I felt I had to take a shot and sent in the $7.95. What the hell was I thinking?? The thing SUCKS!! Modacrylic fiber my ASS!"
And why not? He's the only one to actually fight the nightmare-inducing creature from the classic 1979 "Alien."
Kotto's just the guy we need to fight Islamic terrorists! Just ask the android Ash below:
Courtesy Mark at Comic Coverage -- THE best comics blog out there. And be sure to check out his utterly hilarious "Dr. Doom's Scary Santa Gallery"! Mark's a whiz at making knee-slapping graphics, and here's a taste:
I'm sorry, but this Dave Chappelle skit just kills me. Really. I laughed so hard the first few times I saw it I really thought I would die. I must've seen it about 50 times now and I still laugh like a nut. Caution: If you're ... sensitive to [racial] epithets, you might not wanna watch.
I got a kick out of the following, forwarded to me by blog-buddy Greg:
To All My Democrat Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
In the meantime, enjoy this article from the Tennessean.com about the "murky waters" of the 1st Amendment and public schools. This should come as no surprise:
"People tend to carry around two failed models in their head," Haynes said. "Either we keep religion entirely out of public schools or we keep on doing what we used to do in the good old days and promote religion in school."
Because of those failed models, schools end up making poor decisions when it comes to religion.
The school allowed other groups on campus, so the Millers thought the Praying Parents meetings were perfectly legal. However, the group became the focus of a federal lawsuit.
In September, the ACLU claimed that by allowing the Praying Parents on campus, Wilson County school officials had violated the constitutional separation of church and state.
Hopefully, the ACLU will lose. It's my understanding that religious groups have the same rights to use public facilities as any other group. Ever watch cable access channel 28 (fellow northern Delawareans, that is)? A ministry and its congregation are televised from Mt. Pleasant High School, a public school in Wilmington.
One of the more facetious aspects about collecting comics back in the day was the cheesy ads found at the very back of the books. In the mid-70s, many of these featured GI Joe and the various incarnations thereof. By "various incarnations" I mean the attempt by Hasbro to make Joe characters more "superhero-like." Take this ad, for instance (click on image for a larger version):
In the first panel, we see Mike Power, Atomic Man lugging around Eagle-Eye GI Joe. Notice it says that they're "on patrol." On patrol?? 'Ya think they could get Eagle-Eye Joe some sort of gandola or something to sit in, don'tcha? I mean, he's gotta just hang on to Mike Power's leg the whole time?? (Better view on the second panel below.) Face it -- after about ten minutes of grabbing a mere leg, Eagle-Eye would be bitching to his superiors "Hey guys, let's get real here. Gimme a friggin' seat or somethin', huh? I'm not super-strong, after all! All I got are sharp eyes!!"
But this ad actually introduces another GI Joe "superhero" into the mix: Bulletman, the Human Bullet. Not only does he have a costume that'd make the guys on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" wince, but he's quick with the witty quip, too!
In addition, it is a bit perplexing how Bulletman just ups and joins the GI Joe Crew with no hesitation whatsoever:
How d'ya like that? Bulletman, the Human Bullet and World's Thickest Superhero. I mean, there could be no chance that Mike Power and Eagle Eye could be ... Soviet Agents, right? (Remember -- this is the mid-70s!) "Hey Bulletman, come on back with us to our HQ so we can get you squared away with joining our little coffee clatch ... !" **WHAM!!** Instant prisoner. Now here comes the KGB to claim their prize!
Mark, over at the awesome Comic Coverage, has the scoop on a different Bulletman.
Zombie is awesome at chronicling the moonbats in action. Be sure to check out his "Beach Impeach IV" and "Code Pink vs. The Marines." Here's a brief sample, taken only as a small part of a couple of the many pics (this, from the latter link):
The Hube-inserted arrow is indicating, if you can't tell, that the Code Pink ladies must not be very good with numbers. I mean, what the heck kind of number is 1,001,9713,78?? To be fair, maybe the sign(?) got sort of bent and the number actually indicates a number of Iraqi and American dead (separately), and the full numbers just can't be seen. But if so, why is the word "DEAD" seemingly seamless?
Then there are the 9-11 Truthers from the former link. Wonder if local DE moonbat Liz Allen was among those in attendance?
I thought this was great when the head of our school cafeteria showed it to me earlier today:
The best thing about it is the "action figure" part. I mean, who ever thinks of a lunch lady as someone in "action"??
Florida education at its not-so-finest:
(h/t: Joanne Jacobs.)
Beleaguered Hillary Clinton fundraiser Norman Hsu and character actor Don Calfa, one of my favorite regular Barney Miller precinct visitors:
Noel Sheppard over at Newsbusters notes that the BBC is ditching a planned special on global warming in part because Al Gore's "Live Earth" concerts proved to be such a bust:
The BBC announced today that the project has been scrapped. Negative reaction to this summer's flop Live Earth concert, promoted by Al Gore, the former US Vice-President, was cited as a factor. Viewers told the BBC to present the debate around climate change in an informed and rigorous manner. They did not want to be lectured by wealthy pop stars and celebrities.
'Ya think? But hey, maybe Gore can coddle together this "all-star" line-up for another pathetic attempt at do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do elitist hypocrisy:
Have fun, Al!
Instapundit has the link to a site which lists the "The Ten Best Bands That Never Existed." I knew Spinal Tap would be on the list, as well as the Blues Brothers, but some of the choices just SUCKED. I mean, where's Josie and the Pussycats, for cripe's sake? And commenter "James P" is my hero for making the comment I was planning on writing. He asks, "What about The Riverbottom Nightmare Band from the HBO special Emmett Otter's Jugband Christmas??
The RNB (keyboardist and band leader "Chuck" is pictured above left) was a bunch of animal misfits attempting to win a talent show in the HBO Jim Henson-created special. I laughed my ass off as a young teen when it first aired (1977) and I still do whenever I view it (my sister once bought me the video as a Christmas present). I'll never forget the classic line from "The Nightmare" -- the song the group sang at the talent contest. The lead singer, a weasel wearing a Kangol cap over his eyes, bellows "WE DON'T BRUSH OUR TEETH ... 'CAUSE THE PAIN ... MAKES US FEEL MEEEEEAAAAAANNNN!!"
OK, maybe it ain't that funny now, but keep in mind just who the audience was for the special. And then recall what a genius Jim Henson was -- especially since the #1 band on the list was "The Muppet Show's" Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem!! (See below.)
My father-in-law Carlos is a terrific guy. He's also one of the funniest dudes I know. On the day before his departure back to Costa Rica, we watched (in Spanish -- did you know that with Comcast digital cable you can switch the audio to different lingos? It mainly only works with various movie channels) "Commando" -- one of Ahnuld Schwarzenegger's first "big" movies. If you want to laugh at one of the most clichť-ridden action flicks of all time, this is the one. Carlos and I were in tears from laughing so hard at how ridiculous some of the scenes were. (Of course, we elaborated on them to the Nth degree during the film.)
AOL today has a list of the worst action movie clichťs, and "Commando" has a good portion of them, that's for sure. Let's take a gander ...
1. Henchmen Are Lousy Shots. "Commando" is possibly the BEST example this! Ahnuld makes his way through literally hundreds of mercenary soldiers (supposedly the "best" and who support deposed some fictitious Latin American dictator played by Dan Hedaya -- Carla's hairy husband from "Cheers") without getting hit by a single bullet. The only thing that slightly injures him is an adjacent exploding grenade. Not only that, but these soldiers don't seem to appreciate the value of taking cover; they willingly run right out into the open to serve as fodder for Ahnuld's machine gun!
2. The Female Hostage. In this case it's Ahnuld's daughter [now-very hot] Alyssa Milano.
4. The Death Trap. When Ahnuld's main nemesis Bennett finally has the governator at his mercy, does he kill him? Of course not! He allows Ahnuld to coax him into hand-to-hand combat which, as we all know, usually doesn't bode well for Ahnuld's opponent!
5. The Ticking Time Bomb. It's not a bomb in this case, but Ahnuld has a mere eleven hours to track down his daughter or she'll be killed. And the only way he can even do this is to somehow escape from an airliner that is taxiing down a runway! And yep -- he does just this, in what has to be the single most suspension-of-reality moment in actioner history: Ahnuld makes his way down to the landing gear (in the process never setting off a warning light in the cockpit!) while the jet is roaring down the tarmac for takeoff. As the plane gets airborne, Arnie jumps -- and lands right in an adjacent marsh. Does he get injured, or even just express some mild discomfort from this daring move? Not in the least! He gets immediately up, takes off his blazer, and begins running back to the airport! Oh yeah -- his clothes somehow get dry in a mere two minutes.
7. The Expository Speech. In the climax, badly beaten up bad-guy Bennett has Ahnuld dead to rights with his pistol. But he continues to rant while the guv looks around, detaches a steam pipe from the wall, and then throws it directly into Bennett's mid-section!
11. Jack Bauer Syndrome. After decimating an island stronghold all by his lonesome, and after getting shot (finally, someone hit him!) and beaten by Bennett, Ahnuld greets his military superiors (and a then-hot Rae Dawn Chong) none the worse for wear.
That covers the AOL list, but they admit they left off a bunch of stuff. Here's some reader suggestions. "Commando" has a few more that may or may not be mentioned (admittedly, I haven't read the entire list of reader suggestions):
I probably went WAY overboard on this, but such is my pre-beach sojourn Friday posting! Enjoy, natch!
Another crazy McDonalds lawsuit, this time from West Virginia:
A Monongalia County man is seeking $10 million from McDonald's after an employee put cheese on his sandwich.
Jeromy Jackson, his mother Trela Jackson and his friend Andrew Ellifritz filed a suit July 18 in Monongalia Circuit Court against the popular fast-food chain because Jeromy Jackson is allergic to cheese.
According to the suit, Jackson, his mother and friend went to the drive-thru at the McDonald's on Chaplin Road in Morgantown on Oct. 30, 2005. Jackson claims he ordered two "Quarter Pounders" without cheese, stating he was allergic to cheese.
"From this point forward, Mr. Jackson repeatedly asked as to the status of his food and whether it had no cheese, and took multiple preventive steps to assure his food did not contain cheese," the suit says.
The suit says Jackson received his food, bit into one of his sandwiches and immediately began to have a severe allergic reaction. He was rushed to United Hospital Center in Clarksburg.
I see. Was one of those "multiple preventative steps" actually LOOKING AT THE DAMN BURGERS BEFORE YOU BIT INTO THEM??
Check out the pic of the Jackson's attorney. Tim Houston: Teenaged Lawyer! I can visualize the ad now ...
Because they dared to show the "Little Ice Age: Big Chill" documentary in the midst of all the Gore-inspired global warming hysteria. Even more heretical, they ask "Could another catastrophic cold snap strike in the 21st century?"
Whaaaat?? Don't you know there is irreversible global WARMING going on right this instant, History Channel?? (For the mentally challenged -- no, he's not REALLY protesting, OK?)
Featuring these soon-to-be hits based
on classics from those great 1980s:
"Carper, Biden score Iraq report, Bush." -- News Journal headline circa 5pm.
Perpetual commenter/nouveau troll Perry (at left) needs his own blog. Now.
Why? Because Perry believes that people's blogs are his personal bulletin boards. He believes that just because [most] blogs allow comments that he is free to post whatever he wishes. He believes that people who do not accept his viewpoint and opinions are "ignorant" and "extremist." When an obvious argumentative impasse is reached on a particular topic, Perry just keeps going ... like the Energizer Bunny. He really needs to brush up on the definition of "troll."
But we at Colossus really want to help Perry. We want him to get an outlet for his oh-so self-righteous spewings. You can help the ... man ... by signing the petition. What petition? Oh, er, there isn't a formal petition to sign, so we've set up a "ghetto petition": Just write "YES!" in our very own comment section on this post!
The headline of this Philly Inquirer article reads "The first gunshot victim in Americas?" But when you read the actual story, what it reveals is that there has been unearthed the earliest archeological evidence of a gunshot victim: An Inca solider who was apparently slain by a Spanish soldier. That's a significant difference. For, as the story itself admits near its end, the Spanish campaign against the Inca was the second major [Spanish] campaign against a Native American civilization. About a dozen years prior, HernŠn Cortťs led his forces against the Aztecs of Mexico. It is highly unlikely that no Aztec was killed by a Spanish arquebus, thus, again, rendering this article's headline woefully misleading.
By the way, you just gotta love the archeologists' team leader's name: Guillermo Cock. I had to laugh when I saw his name, and not for the obvious reason. The reason is that I once sent in to Maxim magazine (for their former "Found Porn" section) a Highlights magazine-style cover I inadvertantly came across at school. Emblazoned very large (no pun intended!) on the cover was Cock's full name, and I could just imagine the reaction the magazine would get from a class full of students.
Maxim never used my submission, in case you're wondering. And, as I noted, the "Found Porn" section no longer exists in the mag, which is a shame (one of the reasons I let my subscription lapse!). BUT -- you can check out all the great archives of the former section online here! Oh, and it's not real porn -- it's all unintentional porn, which you'll see upon scoping the very first picture! Have fun.
First we saw this laughable example; now it's extended to the college realm:
Thanks to loyal Colossus reader Fred Gregory for sending this along. (The photo originally appeared in the Greensboro, NC News & Record.)
Miller has always been one of my favorite comedians, mainly due to his obscure similes, and this doesn't disappoint.
This story details a "radical Muslim paramilitary compound" in upstate New York. The main road is even dubbed "Muslim Lane." But take a look: The place where this "compound" is located is called "Islamberg." Not "Islamburg," but "Islamberg."
What, are the dudes who run the place named Ahmed Abdul Cohen and Yassir Hussein Rosenthal?
Just a little mid-east ethnic humor is all ...
(I realized "berg" is a reference to "mountain" -- like "iceberg" -- but you get it. Right?)
(The last two words on the closer poster are "Kids Walk.")
Students who had been planning to walk across the stage at graduation ceremonies this weekend were instead walking a picket line Thursday morning.
The Trimble Tech High School seniors marched in front of Fort Worth Independent School District headquarters to protest Wednesday's decision by trustees to bar students who failed the TAKS test from commencement exercises.
About a dozen young people, carrying signs and chanting, began picketing at 8:30 a.m. Thursday. They represent the 613 Fort Worth seniors who did not pass the Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills exam. (Link.)
'Ya think? I'd say that dimwitty wrote that sign, but I don't wanna "offend" anybody ...
According to Wizard magazine readers the winner is "Probe Droid."
The only other finalist I heard of was "Count Dooku." "The Emperor's Hand," "Kin Fisto," and "The Last Handmaiden" ... whaaa? They must be from novels and/or comics. I've only seen the movies.
"Good Morning America" highlights a family which ... doesn't use toilet paper.
Best line in response by Diane Sawyer to this freak dad's ridiculous antics: "And so good for you. Yeah. What you were saying about the way it concentrates your mind to be free of concern about a lot of the things in your life. It really makes sense to me."
Only in the mind of a pampered, elitist multi-millionaire newscaster who REALLY thinks this guy is a complete lunatic, but has to show that she's "environmentally hip."
Guess this family wouldn't even bother with this "great deal":
... she knows common sense. Maria Conchita Alonso, Cuban-born singer/actress but raised in Venezuela (wonder if she is a fan of this group, natch?), spoke at the Latino Coalition in Washington ahead of Rudy Giuliani the other night.
She began by pointing out she deliberately wore red, and that the color and May Day were meant to be a celebration for workers, not for the Communist party. "We cannot let terrorists dictate our lives, so why acknowledge their claims and allow them to own a color red for a day? I wear red not in solidarity, but in protest of them!"
Then Alonso ripped into Castro and Chavez with a rare combination of ferocity and wit. She told of leaving Cuba as a child with her family to start a new life in Venzuela, with her mother hiding money, jewelry, and even the family dog on the way out of the country. As Latino Coalition President Robert de Posada noted, "She lost her first home country to communism, and she refuses to let it happen again."
"Even as a teenager, I wondered why John Lennon wore Mao jacket," she said, lamenting that Che is a popular t-shirt icon today. She suggested it was a triumph of appearance over substance: "If this man looked like Al Bundy [from the old Fox sitcom Married With Children], would teenage girls still be wearing his t-shirt?"
"When celebrities visit Castro and do not speak out, he gains a great propaganda advantage," she said. "I wonder if anyone told Robert Reford, "your films are all heavily edited on Cuban television.' And we know all directors like to have the last cut."
When a heckler stood up to contend that Chavez had been good for the poor of Venezuela, Alonso noted that the heckler enjoys rights to interrupt and speak freely here in America that she would not under Chavez's rule.
Referring to the former President's thumbs-up regarding the last "election," she declared, "Jimmy Carter, who I respect, should stick to counting peanuts, not votes."
Conchita-Alonso will be starring in an anti-Hugo ChŠvez movie titled "Two Minutes of Hate." In it, she actually plays a Chavista -- or ChŠvez supporter. The film's producer said "the concept is that 'Venezuela is the Titanic, Chavez is the captain,' " and that "Alonso's character is in love with an anti-Chavez professor who in the semi-fictional account is among those shot and killed in 2002."
You can't get a more common sensical talk. She's absolutely correct in her reply to that heckler -- how is "being good for the poor" a beneficient trade-off when you can no longer protest or speak freely? And John Lennon and Robert Redford -- I wonder if those two pop icons actually believe(d) they could have amassed their fame and fortunes under Mao ... or Castro. If they do (did), they're either lying or totally delusional. That's why neither of them (as well as many other limousine libs) ever actually MOVE to these socialist "paradises."
From what I understand, Lennon did consider moving to Mao's China, and he wanted to change the titles of some of his Beatles hits. Here are some of his proposed changes:
And, of course, "Revolution" and "Yellow Submarine" didn't really need any title changes!
Likewise, Robert Redford considered changing the titles of some of his films to suit the Cuban Revolution. Here were some of his proposals:
Blogging historians may remember the old "Blogolution" site. One of the first Delaware-centric blogs, it started in 2003, its authors were featured (or at least passingly mentioned) in such esteemed publications as The Washington Post and ... Delaware Today. Never a particularly leveraging seller in the marketplace of ideas, whenever you needed to be informed about the important issues of the day, Blogolution was there with a cheap joke. It closed shop back in 2005.
I recently corresponded with Blogolution's founders, Ken and Steve, and they're talking about relaunching the site. They said they're burnt out on traditional blogging, so they're thinking about focusing on their own political comic strips. Steve's drawing, Ken's scripting.
Here's a sample, used with permission, of course. The duo are aware that the actual layout still needs some image tweaking, but they request that you leave your thoughts/comments in the comments section here. Thanks!
His name, after all was Don Ho.
Monday's editorial debate on the environment should have been clearer about the length of time plastic grocery bags take to decompose. According to the Environmental Protection Agency, it "can take" 1,000 years, unless the bags are properly recycled. The editorial implied it always takes that long. Sometimes decomposition occurs in less than 10 years.
After all, y'know, ten ... a thousand ... what's the difference?
1986's "Restaurant Enterprise." Dana Carvey's "Khan" is an absolute knee-slapper. (Ignore the first few seconds -- it's from a previous skit on the recording):
All of these royally bagged me up. My personal favorite (though they're all hilarious):
Thanks to Soccer Dad for the tip!
President Clinton, who served as Commander in Chief for two tours of duty, instituted the military policy called ĎDonít Ask, Donít Tellí which officially allows homosexuals to serve in the armed forces as long as they lie about their behavior and donít get caught in the act.
ďGen. Paceís antiquated ideas could have a chilling effect on military recruiting,Ē said Mr. Clinton. ďIn addition, thereís a real risk that the general has hurt the feelings many who love this country and are willing to fight for our freedom to have intimate relations without so-called moral boundaries.Ē
Mr. Clinton noted that if the nation had Gen. Paceís attitude toward adultery just a few years ago, ďwe would have lost the valiant service of one of historyís greatest commanders in chief.Ē
ďThe military desperately needs brave men and women with the character, integrity and dignity that their colleagues can count on in times of war,Ē said Mr. Clinton, ďBut Gen. Pace essentially hung out a sign that says, Ďadulterers, homosexuals and liars need not apply.íĒ
He urged the general to ďcount the cost of his narrow views.Ē
Nancy Pelosi and David Obey explain the Democratic plan for Iraq:
(h/t: Red State.)
Title of a recent Delaware Liberal post by "Dr. Nick": John Still is a Republican. I think that sums it up.
ROTFLMAO!! He actually said "I think"!! Talk about your ever-lovin' self delusion!
Runner-up: The new owner of Air America (perpetual NYC politico Mark Green) says that the radio network went bankrupt because it was ... "too even-handed."
Yeah, sure. Air America makes Rush Limbaugh seem like the epitomy of bipartisanship!
1) Why were a handful of rebel fighters able to penetrate the defenses of a battle station that had the capability of destroying an entire planet and the defenses to ward off several fleets of battle ships?
2) Why did Grand Moff Tarkin refuse to deploy the stationís large fleet of TIE Fighters until it was too late? Was he acting on orders from somebody to not shoot down the rebel attack force? If so, who, and why?
3) Why was the rebel pilot who supposedly destroyed the Death Star reported to be on the Death Star days, maybe hours, prior to its destruction? Why was he allowed to escape, and why were several individuals dressed in Stormtrooper uniforms seen helping him?
4) Why has there not been an investigation into allegations that Darth Vader, the second-ranking member of the Imperial Government, is in fact the father of the pilot who allegedly destroyed the Death Star?
5) Why did Lord Vader decide to break all protocols and personally pilot a lightly armored TIE Fighter? Conveniently, this placed Lord Vader outside of the Death Star when it was destroyed, where he was also conveniently able to escape from a large-sized rebel fleet that had just routed the Imperial forces. Why would Lord Vader, one of the highest ranking members of the Imperial Government, suddenly decide to fly away from the Death Star in the middle of a battle? Did he know something that the rest of the Imperial Navy didnít?
There's more, so if you're a scifi fan (especially "Star Wars," natch) be sure to check 'em out.
I've always loved this line from the unintentionally funny Ah-nuld action film "Commando." Near the beginning when Ah-nuld's C.O. pops in via helicopter to warn the Austrian that some baddies are after him, he says,
"You've made enemies all over the worid. It could have been the Syrians, the South Americans, the Russians, or a terrorist group. They'll find you."
Yeah -- it could be those dastardly South Americans! What, is the whole friggin' continent after him?? I mean, no narrowing it down, huh? Not the Colombians, or perhaps Peru's Shining Path ... no, maybe it's some black ops gauchos from the Argentinian pampas ...!
I know it's pretty easy to pick on "Commando." After all, just check out all these goofs and gaffes the flick had.
This site has the potential to be hilarious; then again, who wants to give that much "free advertising" to someone who forms a coherent argument less than 5% of the time?
That, and "fish in a barrel" comes to mind ...
"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man."
How culturally clueless is Biden, anyway? Calling a black person "articulate" has been parodied ad nauseum by comedians like Dave Chappelle for years now. But Biden has to go a step further, and infer that "mainstream" African-Americans before Obama were not intelligent and ... clean?? And what does Biden think of "non-mainstream" blacks (whatever a "non-mainstream" black person is)?
I can hear Biden's "explanation" for this whopper now: "I have a lot of black friends* and they know I don't have a racist bone in my body ...!"
Meanwhile, we at Colossus have gotten an advanced copy of the beginning of Biden's announcement speech, written by Biden himself -- a complete original job:
My fellow Americans, I have a dream, that one day the only thing we'll have to fear is fear itself. I'd like Americans to ask not what their country can do for them, but what they can do for their country ...
Neil Kinnock wasn't available for comment on the speech.
(* Another favorite white person phrase that rivals the word "articulate" for most unintentionally insulting vocabulary used towards blacks.)
From the United for Peace website:
10am: Women Say Pull Out! Women's Convergence for DC Mobilization Join Jane Fonda, Susan Sarandon, Congresswomen Maxine Waters and Lynn Woolsey, Rhea Perlman, Eve Ensler, Mimi Kennedy, Q'orianka Kilcher, the Co-founders of CODEPINK and many other amazing women. Other co-sponsors include: National Organization for Women, V-Day, WAND, Feminist Majority, Feminist Peace Network and WATER. Don't forget your PINK!
Where: Navy Memorial, 7th and Pennsylvania NW
When: Saturday, January 27, 2007 at 10am
We will rally at 10am then meet up with the UFPJ rally and march!
Oh wait, I get it -- out of Iraq, you mean!!
Some predictions/resolutions ... some tongue-in-cheek, some not:
Prediction: The US will still be in Iraq at the end of 2007 (Gee, that's a tough one!)
Resolution: To still think the whole undertaking was a dumb idea.
Prediction: Gerry Fulcher's show will tank in the WDEL ratings, but they'll still let him on the air.
Resolution: To keep laughing at Ger's asshattery.
Prediction: The News Journal will continue to lose readership as it fails to adjust to the New Media and doesn't cease insulting its readers' intelligence.
Resolution: To laugh at this predicament, too!
Prediction: The St. Louis Rams will improve on this season's 8-8 record and make the NFL playoffs.
Resolution: I will root for them en puta, natch!
Prediction: House Democrats won't be able to control themselves and will begin impeachment hearings against Pres. Bush.
Resolution: Giggle as these Dems blow their chances for the 2008 presidency.
Prediction: My cholesterol rate will diminish.
Resolution: Because I will eat a better diet.
Prediction: The Fantastic Four 2 and Spider-Man 3 movies will both rock.
Resolution: To see each of these, possibly twice.
Prediction: Nancy Pelosi's claim that the incoming House will be the "most ethical ever" will turn out to be a sad joke.
Resolution: To keep pointing out this easy-to-note factoid.
With kudos to Jonah Goldberg, he points us to a blogger who hilariously highlights some of comics master Jack Kirby's classic character poses -- just in time to work off all that holiday "cheer."
Without consulting any of my collection ... going purely by memory ... watch me prove my geekness by ID'ing all but one of the characters:
1) Ikarus of the Eternals,
2) no friggin' idea,
3) Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic,
4) The Scarlet Witch,
5) The Executioner,
7) Baron Zemo,
8) The Watcher,
10) some unknown civilian (seriously),
11) The Human Torch,
12) The Enchantress,
13) The Thing.
After over a month's hiatus, Campus News Confab is back with a vengeance -- four new hilarious posts about the inanity of diversity-think at American universities. Check 'em out.
An article in Sunday's Local section on the estate sale of former Gov. Elbert Carvel quoted Olin Vanaman of Wilmington about his excitement in purchasing 35 of the governor's decanters during the auction, including one used at Queen Elizabeth's coronation. Vanaman said he used a slang term when describing Carvel as "a big boozer," but he did not mean that the former governor was a heavy drinker. Vanaman refers to people who collect decanters as "boozers," he explained, "the same as guys who collect cars are gear-heads." No reference to drinking or the consumption of alcohol was intended in the article.
I wonder if anyone's ever referred to a retired dishwasher as a "big pot head."
Check out this bull-excrement (h/t to Wicked Thoughts):
The next time you're stacking a pastrami hero, better make sure McDonald's isn't watching - they're trying to claim rights on how to make a sandwich.
McDonald's filed a staggering 55-page patent application in Europe and the United States claiming "intellectual property rights" on how to slap together a deli sandwich.
The legal brief rambles on about the "simultaneous toasting of a bread component" and inserting condiments into the works with a "sandwich delivery tool." (Source.)
Thankfully (I think), Lawrence Smith-Higgins of the British Patent Office explains "McDonald's or anyone else cannot get retrospective exclusive rights to making a sandwich." You'd think McD's lawyers would realize this. But, to coin a clichť, stranger things have happened, eh?
If McD's somehow pulls this off, check what'll follow:
UPDATE (Dec. 5 at 6:53pm): Jeff the Baptist has done a "quick read" of the patent and says I'm (the sources are, actually) overreacting. He's probably right.
Who else has had just about enough of those colon-cleanser infomercials???
Being a comics fan, this cracked me up (via James Taranto):
From a press release issued by the soon-to-be Senate majority leader:
Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid today released the following statement on the groundbreaking of the Martin Luthor King Jr. National Memorial.
Taranto goes on to comment:
Martin "Luthor" King? Is he any relation to Lex?
OK, normally we wouldn't make a silly spelling error our top item. But remember, Harry Reid is the same guy who, a couple of years ago, went out of his way to disparage the intellect of the Supreme Court's only black justice.
... so says the perpetually rib-tickling Hatemongers Quarterly. But how can this be, you ask? Check it:
Everyoneís seen the [Eric Alterman] arguments: The New York Times is right-wing; NBC, ABC, and CBS are arch-conservative outlets; The Washington Post is crypto-fascist; &c. These are just a few of the countless examples of what weíve taken to calling ďThe Eric Alterman Proposition.Ē
Mr. Alterman has made something of a name for himself by excoriating the mainstream media for its sickening conservative bias. If Mr. Alterman's palaver werenít taken so seriously, it would actually serve as an interesting experiment: How unhinged from reality does an argument have to get before our ďprogressiveĒ pals wonít believe it any longer?
So, the HMQ has its own "philosophy": "The Crack Young Staff Proposition." It says:
... our moronic contention is this: All so-called ďconservativeĒ mediaóright-wing talk radio; conservative ďweblogsĒ; Fox Newsóare actually fountains of paleo-liberalism. Rush Limbaugh? Heís a Communist. Brit Hume? That sickening Trotskyite. Ann Coulter? Well, sheís a liberal and guilty of treason in our book. Q.E.D.
Lieberthal undergoes abdominal surgery -- Phillies catcher will need 6-10 weeks to recover. (Link.)
Hmm. Maybe the fact that he had surgery is worth some news (even though he sucks). But at this point, who the hell cares how long it'll take for him to recover -- especially since the 6-10 weeks will leave him plenty of time to get ready for spring training next year!! (Translation: the Phils' season is OVER so the time-frame for recovery is totally IRRELEVANT.)
(h/t: The Corner.)
Humorous e-mail sent to Jay Nordlinger:
I recently saw a car (Honda Civic), the back of which was plastered with liberal bumper stickers, including these two beauties: Meat Is Murder and Pro-Child/Pro-Family/Pro-Choice.
I was disgusted. I‚Äôd love to respond with a pair that said: Abortion Is Murder and Steak or Chicken ‚ÄĒ That‚Äôs a Choice.
I‚Äôd probably get my windows knocked out.
Most likely, yeah.
Despite the heat outside, are you freezing because of overblown A/C at work? E-mail your story to Inquirer reporter Michael Vitez at email@example.com
Yes yes, please e-mail Michael about this most pressing summertime concern so he can offer scintillating advice like "Have you thought about taking a sweater with you to the office?"
Probably my favorite segment of James Taranto's "Best of the Web" site is the snarky comments for silly or "No, Duh" types of headlines. I've occasionally dibbled with such headlines in the past myself, but now I'd like to make it a regular weekly feature, not unlike the [more irregular] "Dopey WNJ Letter of the Week." Here's our first installment:
You don't say! -- "Prices at gas pumps soaring."
We've finally solved the riddle of multiple dimensions: "Fund to Soften Harsh Realities."
Guess this explains why my wife and I have [only] a girl, natch! -- "Pretty parents likely to have girl first."
It's called "Apocalypse Charter School" -- "UA charter school to host survival camp on Saturday."
No jury room must have been available: "Woman found guilty of capital murder in freezer case."
He was always bustin' on everybody: "Rankin supervisor dies."
But, I thought he was our state's lone congressman! -- "Castle keeps Circuit Court clerk."
What is this, illegal organ harvesting? -- "Girls fine, nerves belong to families."
What the hell else is new? -- "Lawyer wants share of fees."
If a drunken Mel Gibson did indeed call out, "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," then there can be only one possible place for a man who believes such things: as the next Secretary General of the United Nations.
This cracked me up. (That has to be Christiane Amanpour.)
Davidson College, that is, in Davidson, North Carolina. Why? 'Cause they have on staff one Dr. Susan Roberts -- a political science professor -- who offered up a whopper in a recent op-ed on the proposed Flag Burning Amendment:
Flag burning was thrust into the public eye following an arrest of a young man during the 1984 Republican National Convention in Dallas. The man identified himself as a member of a group calling itself the Revolutionary Youth Brigade. He was charged with a violation of the Texas Desecration of Venerated Objects statute.
In 1989 the U.S. Supreme Court affirmed an appellate court decision that the man was within his First Amendment rights. Wasting no time, Congress passed the Flag Protection Act just months after the ruling. Wasting no time, the Supreme Court ruled that the Flag Protection Act was inconsistent with First Amendment freedoms and thus unconstitutional.
It seems unlikely that the Supreme Court would now uphold an amendment prohibiting flag burning, even with the change in the court's composition.
Hey prof -- as any fairly studious middle-schooler should be able to tell you, the reason WHY Congress is attempting to pass an amendment is to make the Supreme Court's opinion irrelevant on the matter. It's called "checks and balances." You recall that in your teaching, right? Right? Hello?
Maybe not. Maybe that basic knowledge got lost in that neatly titled course of yours, "The Politics of Feminism."
Cliff May dissects what appears to be the New York Times' latest campaign -- the closing of Gitmo:
The New York Times is campaigning to shut down Gitmo, the facility housing enemy combatants at Guantanamo Bay.
Their primary talking point is that the prisoners there suffer ‚Äúdespair.‚ÄĚ An editorial on Monday spoke of a ‚Äúnetherworld of despair.‚ÄĚ Human Rights Watch has chimed in with ‚Äúincredible despair‚ÄĚ. And this morning the Times runs an op-ed headlined ‚ÄúDetainees in Despair‚ÄĚ written by someone who has been released from Gitmo.
It contains this line: ‚ÄúI made the mistake of listening to my older brother and going to Afghanistan on what I thought was a dream vacation.‚ÄĚ
Somehow, he acknowledges, he ended up in an al-Qaeda training camp.
Don‚Äôt you hate when that happens? You consult your travel agent, you read your Fodor‚Äôs and the Times travel section and you think you‚Äôre on your way to Club Med Kandahar but instead of playing tennis and windsurfing you end up firing Kalashnikovs and assembling I.E.D.s. It could happen to anyone.
Well, geez, Cliff -- when I went to Costa Rica to study in 1986 I "somehow" ended up in a Contra training camp, and in no time I was ready to take on the Nicaraguan Sandinistas!
UPDATE (10:27am): Welcome, The Corner readers!
As we showed yesterday, atheist extraordinaire Michael Newdow is a musician! And, we were fortunate to get a glimpse of his new album:
Apparently, this disc is chock full of 80s cover songs as evidenced by the track listing:
1. "Save a Prayer (Until I Sue Your Ass)" (Duran Duran)
2. "Livin' on a Prayer (But Not in America)" (Bon Jovi)
3. "Papa Don't Preach on Public Property" (Madonna)
4. "Addicted to Lawsuits" (Robert Palmer)
5. "Church of the Litigant's Mind" (Culture Club)
6. "Do They Know It's Christmas? (They Won't After I'm Done)" (Band Aid)
7. "(Futile) Faith" (George Michael)
8. "Heaven is a Place on Earth (Not if I Can Help it)" Belinda Carlisle
9. "Promised You a Miracle (And You Fell for It)" (Simple Minds)
10. "Sister Non-Denomination" (Night Ranger)
"Nixon's 3-run homer lifts BoSox into first." (Link.)
Yep. That's it. No kidding.
Here's a screen capture to prove it, 'cause the MSNBC main page is sure to change throughout the day:
The article gives scant mention of the headline in the article:
HIBHIB, Iraq - The ruins of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi‚Äôs house are strewn with a random jumble of wreckage -- magazines, a leopard-print nightgown, a religious slogan and a few hints at the violent career of Iraq‚Äôs most wanted man.
Further down in the story we read "other women‚Äôs clothes" were found in the rubble, but that's it. Talk about your ever-lovin' teaser, huh? Or, is MSNBC ignoring a possible scoop -- "Abu Musab al-Zarqawi: Cross dresser?"
The "No S*** Sherlock" Award for concise reporting goes to the News Journal this weekend for this revealing line: "Sen. Tom Carper received his party's backing."
How do they do it over there in New Castle, eh?
These are priceless -- via the Nihilist in Golf Pants:
11. No blood for French Wine!
10. It‚Äôs been two and a half years since Pearl Harbor and they still haven‚Äôt brought Admiral Nagumo to justice.
9. In 62 years, the date will be 6/6/6. A coincidence? I think not.
8. All this death and destruction is because the neo-cons are in the pocket of Israel.
7. The soldiers are still on the beach, this invasion is a quagmire.
6. Sure the Holocaust is evil, but so was slavery.
5. We are attacked by Japan and then attack France? Roosevelt is worse than the Kaiser!
4. Why bring democracy to Europe by force and not to Korea or Vietnam? I blame racism.
3. This war doesn‚Äôt attack the root causes of Nazism.
2. I support the troops, but invading Germany does not guarantee that in 56 years we won't have a President who's worse than Hitler.
1. I don't see Roosevelt or Churchill storming the beaches -- they're Chicken Hawks.
Oh to be a prof at Elizabethtown College. Last fall, profs received a "101 Ways to Experience Diversity" list in their mailboxes. The list supposedly originated from Minnesota State University, although a representative of that school cannot verify it. Included in the 101 items are "holding hands with someone of the same sex in public" and "telling someone you are a homosexual." Amazingly, Elizabethtown rejected the list.
Here are some more of the "interesting" items of that 101:
And, lastly, this one unintentionally sums this hilarity up perfectly (and it's an actual idea -- just scroll towards the end of the list):
(h/t: Phi Beta Cons.)
OK, the list of things that sets me off about Enron and Ken Lay just grew longer today.
The list starts with Enron getting $1.1 billion dollars in tax payer funded loans from the executive branch under Bill Clinton, then there's Enron being implicated by Human Rights Watch in the beatings of villagers in Dabhol, India in 1997, and Ken Lay donating obscene amounts of money to the Bush campaign in 2000 then being named to GW's transitional team, and then there's Ken Lay sitting on the Board of Trustees for the Heinz Center, an environmental group founded by Teresa Heinz, for a decade that ended a few months before John Kerry announced his intentions to run for President and 2 years AFTER the Enron scandal broke, and you can't forget fraud on the scale of fabricating an elaborate trading floor in their headquarters in Houston to fool stock analysts, or crushing any hope of stock market stability in the months following September 11th by restating their earnings back to 1997 and declaring bankruptcy. My eye is twitching just thinking back on all of that stuff.
Today, I added this to the list: The Lay/Skilling defense team was brazen enough to steal part of Aragorn's speech from the final battle scene of "Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King," for their closing arguments. Here is the offending line from defense team member Mike Ramsey:
"There may be a court in America that bends to political pressure but it's not this court! There may come a day when an American jury yields to a media mob, but it's not this day!", Ramsey stated loudly and emphatically.
Compare that to what Aragorn said to his men before the final battle for Middle Earth when his men were outnumbered by the thousands and awaiting certain death:
A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down, but it is not this day!
A rousing speech like that has to come from a battle-hardened, swarthy, man with the wind blowing through his hair and not a manicured, corporate lawyer geek like Mike Ramsey. Ramsey would be lucky to pull off a few lines from a minor Hobbit character or maybe an orc, but Aragorn, the King of Men? No way. Guilty on all counts.
I was fascinated by a recent MSNBC article about Atlanta Braves First Baseman Adam LaRouche. The title is "Blunder by Brave puts spotlight on ADD."
On Sunday, after scooping up a routine grounder that should have been the third out of the inning, LaRoche took his time getting to first and was stunningly beaten to the bag by Washington's Nick Johnson, who was hustling all the way.
The error allowed the Nationals to score four unearned runs on their way to an 8-1 victory, and led to LaRoche being benched for Monday night's game against Florida.
Not surprisingly, LaRouche was booed and hissed by the Atlanta faithful. These uncomprehending fools! Don't they know LaRouche has ADD -- Attention Deficit Disorder?? That's right -- a major league baseball player has what has to be the most commonly prescribed "disability" in the United States. Yes, you heard correct -- not being able to adequately pay attention is a "disability" according to the federal government. In [public] schools, ADD is "accommodated" usually by what is known as a "504" -- the nickname for section 504 of the 1973 Americans With Disabilities Act. Here's who's "protected" by section 504:
Any person who (1) has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities, (2) has a record of such an impairment, or (3) is regarded as having such an impairment. Major life activities include walking, seeing, hearing, speaking, breathing, learning, working, caring for oneself, and performing manual tasks.
In schools, it is the "learning" portion (obviously) that is used by people (usually parents) to obtain "accommodations" for their children within regular classrooms. These can range from very simple things such as the teacher making sure the kid has his assignments written down in a planner, to allowing use of a tape recorder in class, to mandating the teacher provide a typed study guide a certain amount of days before an exam. As you might imagine, 504 (and the ADA in general) has been abused by those who attempt to seek an "advantage," or, at least, an "excuse." For example, check out Michael Scott Moore's Salon article titled "Buying Time: Disability becomes fashionable among the prep-school set when it equals extra time on the SAT." The gist of it is, how "savvy parents find a psychologist willing to make a diagnosis based on small or nonexistent quirks in their child's testing habits."
I know quite a few teachers and have heard numerous "spooky" 504 anecdotes. Basically, they're things ranging from "Does this kid really have a 'disability?'" to an insane amount of "accommodation" required for a single child -- this, for a teacher that has a total load of over, say, 150 children per day. And, it seems that every year, the ADA and 504 accommodates more and more "disabilities." How far can it go? It is a shame that some (many?) use the ADA and 504 for an advantage, especially when there are many legitimate instances of the usual disorder (ADD).
Of course, I want to make it clear that people with legitimate disabilities should be entitled to whatever the law allows. I in no way mean to belittle the true intention of the ADA, 504, nor even Attention Deficit Disorder in general. Just the abuse and ever-expansion of its definitions.
In our overly litigious society, is it beyond the realm of reason to imagine that even venues such as Major League Baseball will one day have to "accommodate" people like Adam LaRouche? Imagine. Hmm. Let's do some imagining on how the ADA and 504 might one day be woven into the sporting world ...
(Thanks to Hube for the writing assist!)
Michael Cohn was miffed last Mother's Day when he was denied a red tote bag at an Angels game. "Cohn's class-action claim in Orange County Superior Court alleges that thousands of males and fans under 18 were 'treated unequally' at a 'Family Sunday' promotion last May and are entitled to $4,000 each in damages."
Angel officials said Cohn's was the only complaint about the giveaway.
This year's Family Sunday promotion, to be held this weekend, will not specifically cater to women 18 and older. The first 25,000 fans ‚ÄĒ male or female ‚ÄĒ 18 or older will be given a red "Mother's Day Ladies Tote Bag."
[Cohn attorney Alfred] Rava said the giveaway still violated some fans' civil rights because those under 18 will be denied a bag based on their age.
The next great civil rights battle: baseball stadium giveaways.
Cohn, who's a psychologist, apparently wasn't satisfied by the four tote bags the Angels sent him after he sent his complaint.
My advice to Cohn: lay down in your own couch, fella.
'Ya gotta love sports folk. Check out these:
#1. John Smoltz (Braves): Scolds himself with an iron -- by ironing his shirt while he's still wearing it!
#3. Wade Boggs (Red Sox): Strains his back by putting on ... cowboy boots!
#4. Sammy Sosa (Cubs): Misses game due to back spasms brought on by ... sneezing!
#5. Adam Eaton (Padres): Stabs himself with a knife while trying to open a DVD! (I actually sympathize with this one -- ever try to get that friggin' plastic off??)
#6. Bret Barberie (Marlins): Missed a game due to inadvertantly rubbing chili juice in his eyes.
and #8, my personal favorite -- Kevin Mitchell (numerous teams): Missed four days of spring training in 1990 for needing a root canal due to ... eating a microwaved donut!
Rick Moore adds to the "controversy" surrounding the Texas Rangers' uniforms in last night's game -- which read "Los Rangers" apparently in honor of Cinco de Mayo:
"Just for last night's game, stolen bases were known as 'undocumented bases,' and no one was allowed to be thrown out."
Man, no wonder Ron Unz wanted to end bilingual education so badly:
Rudy Rios was stripped of his duties as junior varsity baseball coach at Chavez High School last week after using a district copying machine to make a flier encouraging Latino students to attend a rally protesting restrictions on illegal immigration.
Rios, who still retains his duties as an English-as-a-second-language teacher, was copying and distributing a flier that read: "We gots 2 stay together and protest against the new law that wants 2 be passed against all immigrants. We gots 2 show the U.S. that they aint (expletive) with out us (sic)." (Link.)
1 (expletive) wunders how he gott hyred to teech Inglish.
Via Michelle Malkin:
The Muslim Action Committee is up in arms over this London demonstration:
Despite being asked by the organisers not to bring placards with cartoons, and despite literally thousands of requests by Muslims and others that the police should prevent people carrying these offensive images, some protestors carried placards with the cartoons on and when Muslims who were present complained to the police, no action was taken. We condemn those secular extremists who attended who seem intent in damaging good community relations rather than building them.
Here's a declaration made by organizers of the march:
‚ÄúThe strength and survival of free society and the advance of human knowledge depend on the free exchange of ideas. All ideas are capable of giving offence, and some of the most powerful ideas in human history, such as those of Galileo and Darwin, have given profound religious offence in their time. The free exchange of ideas depends on freedom of expression and this includes the right to criticise and mock. We assert and uphold the right of freedom of expression and call on our elected representatives to do the same. We abhor the fact that people throughout the world live under mortal threat simply for expressing ideas and we call on our elected representatives to protect them from attack and not to give comfort to the forces of intolerance that besiege them.‚ÄĚ
Peter Tatchell, a Green Party member, wonders why more leftists don't come out in support of free speech:
‚ÄúSections of the left moan that the rally is being supported the right. Well, if these socialists object so strongly why don‚Äôt they organise their own demo in support of free speech? The truth is that is that some of the left would rarely, if ever, rally to defend freedom of expression because they don‚Äôt wholeheartedly believe in it. Mired in the immoral morass of cultural relativism, they no longer endorse Enlightenment values and universal human rights. Their support for free speech is now qualified by so many ifs and buts. When push comes to shove, it is more or less worthless.‚ÄĚ
Yep. Just check out "progressive" San Francisco recently!
Elsewhere, the New York Times provides a somewhat fitting example of the "immoral morass of cultural relativism" with this nugget about Abdul Rahman, the Muslim on death row for converting to Christianity:
The case had fueled feelings among many here of a sense of assault against Islam worldwide, coming after widely publicized cases involving the desecration of the Koran in Guant√°namo Bay in 2004 by American soldiers interrogating prisoners and, more recently, cartoons published in Europe of the Prophet Muhammad.
Dr. Mohammad Ayaz Niyazi, an Egyptian educated in Islamic law, who attended one of the gatherings today, said, "There have been serial attacks on the Islamic world recently, starting with insulting the Holy Koran Quran, insulting the prophet of Islam, and now converting to Christianity by an Afghan."
The list of "serial attacks" against other religions by Muslims is far too lengthy to mention here. In fact, it'd probably take several editions of the Times to print them all.
While Cuba played the Netherlands in the World Baseball Classic, a spectator in the stands raised a sign saying "Down with Fidel," sparking an international incident that escalated Friday with the velocity of a major league fastball.
The image of the man holding the sign behind home plate was beamed live Thursday night to millions of TV viewers _ including those in Cuba. The top Cuban official at the game at Hiram Bithorn Stadium in San Juan rushed to confront the man.
Puerto Rican police quickly intervened and took the Cuban official _ Angel Iglesias, vice president of Cuba's National Institute of Sports _ to a nearby police station, where they lectured him about free speech.
"We explained to him that here the constitutional right to free expression exists and that it is not a crime," police Col. Adalberto Mercado was quoted as saying.
Cuba's Communist Party newspaper, Granma, called the sign-waving "a cowardly incident."
Back during the Matt Donegan flap, I wrote somewhere what was dubbed "a good point" by some about the limitations of free speech: What about consumers exercising their right to boycott -- or simply refuse to buy -- an entertainer's wares if he/she says something outrageous or offensive? Now, Eugene Volokh chimes in:
Tolerance demands that people neither beat you up for your views nor throw you in jail for them. But it doesn't demand that people continue to like you‚ÄĒand if they don't like you, then you won't be as effective a promoter.
Danny Glover's signature on the anti-Iraq-war letter was valuable because he was a movie star, not because he was learned on international law. [The Dixie Chicks'] Natalie Maines had a large audience for her expression of contempt for President Bush because she was invited to sing, not because she was invited to deliver a political lecture.
Consumers know that by supporting Natalie Maines, they are indirectly helping support Maines' political message, just as consumers know that by supporting a business, they are indirectly helping support the projects that the business or its owner funds. It seems quite legitimate for consumers to withdraw their support of entertainers and to use their economic power to pressure others to withdraw their support.
This was always a very common sensical notion to me, and Volokh expresses my view better than I ever could. If one's economic livelihood depends on perception -- how the public at large views you -- then you'd best take care to protect that perception. This doesn't mean you lose your right to free expression, of course. That right is ever omnipresent. However, upon exercising that right, you had better be prepared to face any possible consequences -- not criminal, of course, but counter speech (criticism) and, possibly, economic, like in Maines' case -- an album sales dip (which actually did not occur, or at least was fairly miniscule, if I recall correctly).
After all, the right to spend your money as you wish is also free expression. (Hell, if burning the American flag is, then spending your own money had better be, eh?) What is the alternative -- somehow force consumers to continue their spending habits as entertainers desire? Yeah, right! How in the hell would THAT work?
Elsewhere, Volokh reports on more European anti-free speech instances. First, in France, a politician has been fined for "anti-homosexuality speech":
Stating that ‚Äúhomosexual behaviour endangers the survival of humanity‚ÄĚ and that ‚Äúheterosexuality is morally superior to homosexuality‚ÄĚ can cost you dearly in France. Exactly these opinions, expressed by the French politician Christian Vanneste last year, led to him being sentenced on Tuesday to payment of a heavy fine.
A court in Lille ... ruled that Mr Vanneste has to pay a fine of 3,000 euro plus 3,000 euro in damages to each of the three gay organisations that had taken him to court.
Tuesday‚Äôs verdict is the first conviction on the basis of the French anti-homophobia bill of 30 December 2004.
Elsewhere, the "Norwegian government [is] suggesting the possibility of suppressing speech that Muslims find blasphemous." Foreign Minister, Jonas Gahr St√łre, a leading member of Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg‚Äôs Workers‚Äô Party, included the following (oxymoronic) paragraph in an e-mail to the Norwegian embassies:
Freedom of expression is one of the pillars of Norwegian society. This includes tolerance for opinions that not everyone shares. At the same time our laws and our international obligations enforce restrictions for incitement to hatred or hateful expressions.
Back here at home, a liberal faces disciplinary action at a Massachusetts community college for yelling "Remember Chappaquiddick" as Ted Kennedy began to speak at a campus function:
"[Democrat Rep. Stephen] Lynch said Kennedy had overcome such adversity to get to the place he was, and that's a bunch of bull," Paul Trost, 20, said. Just as Kennedy began speaking, Trost was walking out of the room when he shouted, "Remember Chappaquiddick!"
The student says a campus police officer went outside and stopped him. He also saw some state troopers go outside, the type who accompany Kennedy around the state to provide security. Trost says the cop took down his information and told him he would be hearing from school officials about disciplinary action.
Trost said that later, even one of his professors confronted him about the incident after class:
"One of my teachers called me ignorant and told me this was an embarrassment to the school," Trost told WND. "She said to me, 'Can't you forgive him after all these years?' And I said, 'No, he killed somebody.'
"If it had been me or any other person, we'd be in jail," Trost says he told his instructor.
Elsewhere, in a perhaps less "serious" vein (in terms of legality, that is), the executive director of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, Matt Foreman, is "sick" of all the "Brokeback Mountain" jokes being propagated on late-night talk shows and elsewhere:
"It may be funny, but there is a real element of homophobia. It's making jabs about sex between gay men."
Um, Matt? That's what "ethnic" humor and the like is all about -- being funny while at the same time taking "jabs" at whatever target group. The other day I watched the "Best of Eddie Murphy on Saturday Night Live" DVD. Included is that classic bit where Murphy gets made up like a white guy, and then "discovers" what it's like to be white. It's gut-busting stuff. But, according to Foreman, I guess I'm full of "self-hatred" for laughing at that skit. Yeesh.
And to top off this post, how about a little "insensitive" (by European standards, at least) humor (courtesy EclectEcon where there's many more like the one below):
... if a noted media person did this over 35 years ago ...
... just like the Washington Post's Dana Milbank did a few days ago.
(Pic courtesy Jessica's Well.)
... regarding this: Cheney Accidentally Shoots Fellow Hunter.
Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and injured a man during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, his spokeswoman said Sunday.
Harry Whittington, 78, was "alert and doing fine" after Cheney sprayed Whittington with shotgun pellets on Saturday at the Armstrong Ranch in south Texas, said property owner Katharine Armstrong.
Armstrong said Cheney turned to shoot a bird and accidentally hit Whittington. She said Whittington was taken to Corpus Christi Memorial Hospital by ambulance.
Cheney's spokeswoman, Lea Anne McBride, said the vice president was with Whittington, a lawyer from Austin, Texas, and his wife at the hospital on Sunday afternoon.
A letter writer over at Michelle Malkin's says, "I'd rather hunt with Dick Cheney than ride with Ted Kennedy ."
... this is pretty good!
Check out "Update #8": Important-- Tonight Cindy will be giving her own State of the Union address in Washington. If anyone is live-blogging this please email me with the link to your blog. I will put the link up here so everybody can follow.
What a hoot.
Why John Kerry lost in 2004:
Kerry, via ABC, on the Bush/NSA spy flap:
Sen. John F. Kerry is calling President Bush's warrantless wiretaps "a clear violation of the law."
Although Kerry did not go as far as to agree with former Vice President Al Gore's belief that the wiretaps may constitute an "impeachable offense," Kerry called for a special counsel and independent investigation.
But wait -- Reuters reports:
Kerry, who endorsed former Vice President Al Gore's call for an independent investigation of the Bush program, said on ABC's "This Week" that some Republicans like Bush adviser Karl Rove are trying to equate Democratic opposition to warrantless spying as weakness.
"What he's (Rove) trying to pretend is somehow Democrats don't want to eavesdrop appropriately to protect the country. That's a lie," Kerry said. "We're prepared to eavesdrop wherever and whenever necessary in order to make America safer."
So, he thinks Bush broke the law, but he'd be "prepared to eavesdrop wherever and whenever" to protect America! Then we have the Washington Times:
Kerry yesterday called the National Security Agency's program to eavesdrop on terror suspects illegal, but he said he will continue to support its funding.
Now THAT sure sounds familiar!!
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has introduced articles of impeachment -- retroactively -- for Republican Abraham Lincoln, and (reluctantly) for Democrat Franklin Delano Roosevelt:
"We don't buy into the 'Constitution is not a suicide pact' argument," Pelosi said. "Since we didn't buy that argument when we impeached George W. Bush four months ago, we feel it our duty to set the historical record straight."
House Majority Leader Jerrold Nadler added "It's about time we had a congress with courage. It was important that we impeached George Bush, who held the Constitution in contempt, and now we must do the same to other presidents, despite philosophical or partisan differences... and despite temporal differences."
The Congressional Black Caucus, completely united on the impeachment of George W. Bush, was quite divided, however, on the retroactive impeachment of Abe Lincoln. Rep. Sheila Jackson-Lee said
We, as African-Americans, have to recognize that without the actions of President Lincoln, there was a great chance that slavery would have continued for decades throughout the United States. We feel that when it comes to matters of race, it should not matter if political opponents are/were silenced. It's for the greater good. We feel the Constitution recognizes this.
Fellow CBC member Major Owens added
Not only was Lincoln right in silencing and jailing his political opponents that opposed his wartime policies, we feel he desired that the 13th, 14th and 15th Amendments to the Constitution guaranteed affirmative action through the 21st century, and that not only the southern states but the entire United States of America should continue to pay African-Americans reparations for as long as African-descended peoples have been in the Americas -- and beyond.
When it came to Franklin Roosevelt's impeachment, the Democrats as a whole were not as unified.
"Lincoln's impeachment was rather effortless. He was a Republican," said Wisconsin Rep. Dave Obey. "Roosevelt was a Democrat, and he did a lot of great things. The New Deal expanded the size and scope of the federal government to unheard of levels, and as Democrats we have to applaud that. Personally, I think this greatness overshadows the minor error of interning Japanese-Americans into camps."
Still, most felt that they had to act. Washington State Rep. Jim McDermott said that Americans "have to realize that even total war doesn't give the executive the right to do as he wishes without congressional oversight." Florida's Robert Wexler added
As awful as it sounds, if the Axis Powers had defeated us, at least we would go down following the Constitution to its rightful letter. I can accept that.
The Republicans, in the congressional minority for the first time in eleven years, opposed the retroactive impeachments just as they opposed the impeachment of George W. Bush. During the Bush impeachment, many pointed out that the presidents immediately before him had authorized warrantless surveillance, in particular Bill Clinton.
"I don't want to hear that," said Vermont's Bernie Sanders. "Clinton was already impeached. You had your chance. You wanted him out? You should have done it based on his spying. Not that we would have joined you, however. His motives weren't as devious as George Bush's."
UPDATE: John Rosenberg dissects a ridiculous Lincoln-Bush contrast/comparison.
OK, enough satire.
Are we (here at Colossus) for warrantless NSA surveillance, etc.? That's what some have asked based on my (Hube's) posts the last couple days. The answer is: Not necessarily. All I did was point out (quite easily, in fact) how ridiculous the screaming, yammering and hollering by the Left has been about the New York Times' "revelation" that the National Security Agency has sometimes conducted warrantless surveillance of communications.
A quite legitimate argument can be made that the president's actions were illegal. However, if one is to pursue that angle, one has to inquire as to precedent. Why did Bill Clinton do it? Why did (of all people) Jimmy Carter do it? George Bush has the ... "excuse" of 9/11. What did Bill Clinton have? The 1993 WTC attack? Fair enough. The Oklahoma City bombing? OK. What did Carter have? The Iran hostage crisis? Fine. If Bush's actions are to be dissected in this case, I want examinations into all the reasons behind previous president's actions.
What befuddles me up is the sudden fondness of Leftists who quote the Founders, notably Ben Franklin's "Those who give up essential liberty for a little safety deserve neither." The very same Leftists who have denigrated states' rights and limited government for over a century. Where were you when the left bloc on the Supreme Court blew away eminent domain, for example? Where were the so-called "guardians of the poor and less fortunate" now that their homes can be razed and/or taken away so some hotshot developer can make big bucks -- and the local tax base can improve?
And so on.
Breaking news: a 44 year old American was shot and killed by air marshals at Miami Airport earlier today:
A passenger who claimed to have a bomb in a carry-on bag was shot and killed by a federal air marshal Wednesday on a jetway connected to an American Airlines plane that had just arrived at Miami International Airport from Colombia, officials said.
Homeland Security spokesman Brian Doyle said after the plane had parked at the gate, a passenger indicated there was a bomb in the passenger's carryon bag. The passenger was confronted by air marshals but ran off the plane.
A team of air marshals pursued and ordered the passenger to get on the ground. The passenger did not comply and was shot when apparently reaching into a bag, Doyle said. He said this is the first time an air marshal has shot at a passenger or suspect.
I'm willing to bet one or more of the following will happen shortly:
And so on.
UPDATE (12/8 at 7:49am): Sadly, it appears the man in question was a manic-depressive who apparently forgot his medication. And, striking home for me, he was a naturalized US citizen from ... Costa Rica.
UPDATE 2 (7:52am): See? SEE? I was tongue-in-cheek, obviously, in my original commentary, but crap like this makes the truth stranger than fiction, I tell 'ya. So, I certainly won't be surprised in the least if my [fairly serious] first prediction holds water.
UPDATE 3 (8:05am): I TOLD you! Here's what's on America Online's "Welcome" screen right now:
UPDATE 4 (3:47pm): ABC News has a poll up asking the public if they believe the air marshals' action was justified.
MSNBC has this headline: Marshals defend Miami airport shooting; Officials say man claimed to have bomb; friends say he was a ‚Äėnice guy.‚Äô
The NY Times includes the following bits: "An analysis this year by the Treatment Advocacy Center, a nonprofit group in Virginia, found that mentally ill people were four times more likely than members of the general public to be killed by the police." They also quote a widow who knew the man -- she called the shooting "a huge mistake."
(Cross-posted at La Shawn Barber's Corner.)
Jeff over at Think Sink has the funniest post about the "War on Christmas" I've seen yet! Starring: MSNBC's Keith Olbermann and famous atheist Michael Newdow.
A letter sent to Jay Nordlinger:
My mother is a kindergarten teacher. Her class is drawn from a comparatively lower-income neighborhood. After Thanksgiving, she put out the Christmas books (i.e., Night Before Christmas, plus various other "Happy Holidays"-type stuff for diversity's sake). Yesterday, child comes up to her. "Teacher, there's a bad word in the new books." Puzzled, Mom goes to check them out. The bad word he points to? It's Santa Claus, saying "Ho, ho, ho."
So, there you go ‚ÄĒ jolly ol' Saint Nick's famous phrase, courtesy of gangsta rap, is now an epithet.
How much should civilization weep for a five-year-old who reads the word "ho" and thinks "whore" instead of "Santa"???
At least a little, I'd say.
UPDATE (3:10pm): It's come to our attention that the scourge of the Delaware blogosphere has posted on his "blog" that we are perpetuating an urban legend here. Of course, this schnook offers no proof of such; this isn't surprising since the cretin rarely, if ever, does. (He also lies a lot, too; in this case he says we "persistently" post such urban legends like the [supposed] above. Whaaa...?) Nevertheless, even though any such proof (should it be made available) should be directed to Mr. Nordlinger from whom we got the anecdote, we'll still be happy to note the error here prominently on this post.
UPDATE 2 (5:01pm): It's come to our attention further that the schnook has NO proof that the letter to Nordlinger is an urban legend. But, it "has all the marks of one." C'mahn -- can't we just take his word for it??
Inspired by my best buddy Mark who tipped me off to a local story on bad album covers, I recently did some Googling for same. I recall early on in my blogging days (about two years ago) discovering an hilarious site similar to the one Mark told me about. What made it great was the sarcastic commentary! Here are some of my faves that I dug up recently, along with my own "descriptions." (Due to copyright issues, I am not posting the actual pics of the covers here. Just click the various links -- but to get the best effect, right-click the cover links and choose "open in a new window"!)
* Now, I'm just a tad hesitant to bust on these nimrods TOO much -- they're religious, after all -- but they got that "swarmy" look about 'em (especially the dude on the far right) ... y'know, the one that we're finding out more and more that priests have ...
* Now WONDER that easy chair is turned around! And that bulldog sure appears to be engaged in some heavy panting!
* I'm ashamed to share the same first name as this dolt. And how DARE he mock the 13th Amendment like that!! I mean, the property of an inanimate object??
* Meet Snoop's long lost uncle.
* Yeah, swing that "gospel axe" ... right through my neck, so that I'm spared the agony of having this on my turntable.
* 'Nuff said on this one, dawgs. But what gets me is ... this is VOLUME 2!!!
* "Hey! Please buy us! Please? PLEASE??"
* OK, I'm completely mystified here. Colonel Saunders put out a frickin' ALBUM? And WTF is up with that title? Do Mexicans *really* eat KFC when they go on a picnic? And why would the colonel wear his standard suit to a picnic? And, is this a stereotypical insinuation that Mexicans are lazy with that album title?
* Downer album of the century. Maybe they're all just pretending to be dead so they don't have to hang around you in those dreadful white boots.
* Now why in the world would someone who looks like this dancing want to advertise such on an album cover? SHEESH.
* Now, finally -- an apt album title: "Flewey," or it's more apt phonetic equivalent "Phlooey." God, do these dweebs really think they're some kind of fashion plates? The guy on the right perhaps is -- for the Hair Club for Men.
* Is it me or were hair styles NEVER this putrid? Here's another one.
* "Popular Russian Hits"? Like the following: "I Love Borscht," "Gulag Nights," and don't forget "Get Downski Tonight" by KGB and the Sunshine Band.
* Now WHO would actually make a request of this dude? Enough that he has an entire album of them??
* Or, "At Play with the Playmates: Bangin' Each Other on our Vespa."
* "Hey Mr. Banjo" -- your racial stereotyping really disgusts us!
* Otherwise known as "The Best of the James Bond Villains."
Many more awful album covers are here! (But my commentary is better!) ;-)
Looks like George Lucas may have had a [young] George W. Bush in mind when he first released Episode IV (otherwise known as "Star Wars"). Well, at least that's something like what former Candian Defense Minister Paul Hellyer thinks:
Paul Hellyer, Canada‚Äôs Defence Minister from 1963-67 under Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Prime Minister Lester Pearson, publicly stated: "UFOs, are as real as the airplanes that fly over your head."
Hellyer warned, "The United States military are preparing weapons which could be used against the aliens, and they could get us into an intergalactic war without us ever having any warning." He stated, "The Bush administration has finally agreed to let the military build a forward base on the moon, which will put them in a better position to keep track of the goings and comings of the visitors from space, and to shoot at them, if they so decide."
No word yet from Yoda, Mace Windu and the rest of the Jedi Council on these disturbing developments.
Police accidentally hit a naked man in the genitals with a Taser after he was caught breaking windows and asking women to touch him, authorities said.
Jeremy J. Miljour, 26, tried to run away when sheriff's deputies approached so one of them shot their Taser, said Cpl. Matt Chitwood. But one of the gun's prongs accidentally hit Miljour's genitals and got stuck, Chitwood said.
"The Taser is relatively accurate, but when someone is moving like that, it doesn't matter if you have a Taser, or a pistol. (Officers) can't aim," Chitwood said.
Miljour was treated at a hospital before being taken to the Lee County jail. He was charged with indecent exposure, resisting an officer and criminal damage.
Chesnuts roasting on the proverbial open fire. Just in time for the holidays, natch.
More wackiness via the AP:
A Westmoreland County jury on Friday ordered a woman to pay $46,200 to her ex-boyfriend for gluing his genitals to his abdomen.
Kenneth Slaby's lawsuit said the two broke up in 1999 after dating for 10 months, and he began dating someone else. After he broke up with his other girlfriend, Slaby said, [Gail] O'Toole invited him over to her home on May 7, 2000, where he fell asleep.
He said he woke up to find that O'Toole had used Super Glue to stick his genitals to his abdomen, glued his buttocks together and spelled out a profanity on his back in nail polish.
Slaby said O'Toole told him that her actions were payback for their breakup, and he had to walk a mile to a gas station to call for help. He pressed charges and O'Toole pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault and spent six months on probation.
But O'Toole's attorney contended that the incident was nothing more than part of the couple's adventurous, consensual sex.
Gotta love Gail's last name, eh? How appropriate. That aside, how in the hell did Slaby walk a friggin' mile for help ... with his buttocks glued together??
The Hanna High School basketball team can take some consolation: It didn't get shut out.
It did, however, lose 112-2 on Friday night to Earlsboro.
I like the following emphasized line best (that's my emphasis):
The [Earlsboro] Wildcats led 42-0 after one quarter and 73-2 at halftime. [Coach Jim] Walling pulled his starters in the second half, and game officials kept a running clock, stopping it only for free throws.
Pulled the starters in the second half?? Cripes, he really WAS looking for that triple-digit victory! What a jerk.
Poor Mike M. over at Down With Absolutes! I was picking my daughter up from school and had the tail end of WDEL's Rick Jensen Show on the radio. Rick had Fox News's John Gibson on, who was hawking his new book about the Left's "war" on Christmas:
Rick: OK, we have a call from Mike.
Mike: Hi, I'm Mike from Down With Absolutes!
Rick: Who? What's that?
Mike: Mike, from Down With Absolutes! That's my blog. You've never heard of it?
Rick: Um, no.
Mike: Well, OK. Anyway ...
I hadda laugh, Mike m'man! Mainly 'cause I probably would have said something similar, and Rick would have had an identical response! Rick obviously ain't as with it with DE blogs as downstate's Dan Gaffney and WDEL/News Journal's Al Mascitti.
You sounded great otherwise, Mike. I didn't agree with your point about Gibson's book, but I did with what you said about the ACLU. And, you have a good radio voice!
You 'da man!
This friggin' cracked me up. Hard.
I found (somewhere on my old computer) an old -- and apt -- cartoon from my old blog:
Check out this pic of newest leftist celeb Cindy Sheehan getting arrested in front of the White House today:
Geez, I hope that's not why she has a smile on her face....!
UPDATE: Greg has info on Sheehan's selfishness. She has so friggin' much, she's beginning to tick off even the lefties!
Hube sends me a link to the following: [Historically black] Delaware State University students face overcrowding.
Maybe Delaware State will attribute these oversized classes to ... racism? "This problem began two years ago and has steadily gotten worse," said Lee Streetman, associate professor of sociology. Well, let's see -- George Bush was indeed president two years ago -- 2003 -- and as we all saw in New Orleans with Hurricane Katrina, he "just doesn't care about black people." Kanye West said so, after all. So, maybe we can blame him?
The average class size at DSU is supposed to be in the mid-20s, officials said. Say whaaat?? Mid-20s for a university? And there Hube is teaching middle school where he reports his average class size is -- wait for it -- 34! Maybe we can blame George Bush for this, too.
Then there's this article where DSU alumni want university president Allen Sessoms axed. Albert Outlaw (great name), alumni association president, said the current administration, led by Sessoms, "is not building on the university's legacy as a historically black college" and has instituted policies "eroding the quality of academic instruction." That sounds racist! Sessoms must be a racist!!
Among the association's concerns: a lack of black administrators... Sessoms must be a racist!!
"He has at times made disparaging remarks about the university, its faculty, staff and students. ..." Since DSU is predominately black, this must mean Sessoms is racist!!
"Your actions and statements, both public and private, clearly demonstrate that you are not a proponent of the mission of Delaware State University specifically, and historically black colleges and universities generally [sic]," the letter stated. Sessoms must be racist!!
Oh yeah, sorry -- Sessoms is black.
French Foreign Minister Philippe Douste-Blazy visited the new Holocaust museum in Jerusalem's Yad Vashem on September 8 and asked why British Jews "were not also murdered."
Needless to say, Douste-Blazy's question was met by his hosts with amazement. "But Monsieur le minister," Le Canard quoted the ensuing conversation, "England was never conquered by the Nazis during World War II."
The minister apparently was not content with this answer, which, according to the magazine, was given by the museum curator, and persisted, asking: "Yes, but were there no Jews who were deported from England?"
Looks like this dolt surrendered his intelligence much like his country surrendered during the war in question.
(h/t: Dissecting Leftism.)
Is CNN turning into a White House talking points machine? First, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi got her panties in a bunch when CNN anchor Kyra Phillips asked her some tough questions (to which Pelosi retorted "If you want to make a case for the White House, go on their payroll"); now, madcap DNC chair Howard Dean does the same thing to Wolf Blitzer:
BLITZER: Do you agree with the first lady [her comments about Kanye West and the president "not caring about black people"]?
DEAN: No. I do not think that this president cares about everybody in America.
DEAN: I know Judge Roberts loves the law. I'm not sure he loves the American people.
Dean later accused Blitzer of "recycling 'Republican spin machine stuff.'"
Speaking of Wolf, the poor dude made a really un-PC slip the other day.
... with a neat little racial quip to boot.
Ryan Cormier just spent some time at Delaware's Rehoboth and Dewey beaches, and his final News Journal installment lists the things he likes best and worst about 'em. Check out #2 on the "don't like" list:
The lack of diversity. Moving from Wilmington to Rehoboth Beach, it's impossible not to notice that this town -- and Dewey Beach especially -- seems to resemble a Wonder Bread amusement park.
Thanks, Ryan, for epitomizing the "enlightened" elite journalist to a tee. Does anyone really think the average joe considers "diversity" when they head to a beach resort? "Let's see, I have two weeks off in July ... Dewey Beach has great beaches, great people, great food ... ah, forget it. It's too white." And "Wonder Bread amusement park"? I wonder if someone wrote "Soul Food Compton bar-b-q" that the WNJ editors wouldn't immediately flag that little diddy, omit it, and then lecture the writer on "sensitivity."
That being said, this statement shows that Ryan obviously didn't get around a lot while he was at the DE beaches. He admitted he hated the boardwalks, yet that is probably the place that showcases "diversity" best down there. There's little "shortage" of it. Most likely Cormier based his silly little statement on his Dewey bar hopping.
Oh yeah -- I forgot to mention: Rehoboth is a[n] [inter]nationally recognized resort for gays and lesbians. I'm sure the gay community is justifiably outraged at Cormier's "lack of diversity" comment, too!
Ken at Blogolution reports that "The Rev." Al Sharpton's driver ignored police attempts to stop The Rev.'s car (Al was in back), and "weaved in and out of traffic before state troopers were able to get in front of the car":
A car carrying the Rev. Al Sharpton led sheriff's deputies on a nine- mile chase at speeds up to 110 mph before state troopers stopped the vehicle and arrested the driver, authorities said.
The civil rights activist called the sheriff's report "ludicrous" and accused the Ellis County officers of "embellishing the story."
"That nine-mile chase is news to me," Sharpton told The Associated Press. "All I know is that the police pulled us over because they wanted to talk to the driver about speeding."
Because the 2005 Lincoln was rented to Maupin, of Phoenix, sheriff's deputies impounded the car. Maupin posted a $1,000 bond on charges of evading arrest with a vehicle and reckless driving, authorities said.
The car carrying Sharpton and two other passengers was clocked doing 110 mph in a 65 mph zone on the interstate south of Dallas, Sullins said.
Oh, The Rev. was in a hurry to get to the airport, by the way.
I kid you not.
From the NEA (National Education Association) Today magazine (I first read the hard copy version): "To find out why Boy and Betty Toy are hooked on tennis, you have to go back to 1978 and a wooden racquet that couldn‚Äôt keep up with the fancy new aluminum ones." (Scroll down to last article.)
Can't recall offhand where I heard this the other day, but I bagged up:
French officials, already suspicious over a magazine's report that Lance Armstrong used a blood doping drug back in 1999, turned up evidence of two other unknown substances in Armstrong's quarters from the most recent Tour de France. What were these substances?
Soap and deodorant.
"It's your weight, ... and there's dozens of programs," Bennett said. "You don't have to come in here. You can join Jenny Craig. You can go see Weight Watchers."
This is essentially what Dr. Terry Bennett told a patient. But the patient got pissed off.
Bennett said he tells obese patients that their weight is bad for their health and their love lives. But the lecture drove one patient to write a letter to the Board of Medicine, which has passed on the complaint to the Attorney General's Office.
"Did I sleep with somebody? Did I give somebody drugs? Was I careless? No. End of story," Bennett said. "That should have been the end of it."
We agree. Bennett even apologized:
"I'm sorry. If she's watching, I'm devoutly sorry to have offended you. I didn't mean to offend you. I meant to tell you the truth. And that's what I tried to do."
Sounds good to us, doc. Unfortunately, we wouldn't be surprised if some ultra-nutty lawsuit comes your way next.
Really? Since when? Did I miss something?
By the way, doesn't that look as if someone's wearing a Fidel mask?
From today's Wilmington, DE News Journal: Obesity on the rise in almost every state.
In the article, we're treated to the usual pontificating about how to combat our fatty selves, but this paragraph sticks out:
Dr. Delia West, a professor of public health in Arkansas, said demographics play a part. The South has a larger percentage of minorities, who have shown an increased risk for obesity. She said Southerners also tend to lead a more sedentary lifestyle than their counterparts in states such as Colorado or Oregon. People will find fewer jogging trails in Little Rock than in Denver, she said.
Is this just yet another media attempt to find some sort of racial bias in an otherwise unrelated story? I mean, is it because there are fewer jogging trails in the South that there's a higher incidence of obesity in that region, or that there's fewer jogging trails in the South because the folks there (minorities, especially!) are just more sedentary? I actually tend to think the latter (sans the gratuitous "minority" reference), but media word tricks are funny y'know. After all, how many people see the word "minorities," read that "people will find fewer jogging trails" [where they live] and make a connection? I know! If there were more jogging trails in the South, minorities (and, oh yeah -- everyone else) wouldn't suffer from so much obesity!
Unintentionally(?) funny wacko-ism in the northwest: BSU Women's Center Distributes Vagina-Shaped Candy.
BOISE - They might taste good, but some BSU students think the vagina-shaped, white chocolate candy that the school's women's center is distributing is in poor taste. "That's almost to the point of being degrading to a woman's body in my opinion," says business student Vicki Johnson.
Other students say they're not offended by the candy. "But I wouldn't eat one," says Jennifer Gillmore.
Via The Spectrum.com's (Utah) News in Brief section: Washington City dental hygienist honored.
WASHINGTON CITY - Sarah Jeffery of Washington City has been awarded a scholarship at Ohio State University by the Greater Columbus Mortar Board Alumni Chapter. Jeffery is a senior majoring in dental hygiene.
I never would have guessed, given the headline!
From the St. Cloud (MN) Times editorial board: Our view: Preparation will help your child get ready for schooltime.
Next up: Breathing regularly will continue your existence.
The Louisville, KY Courier-Journal notes that the Williamsburg schools are banning certain student hairstyles:
The Williamsburg Independent School District has joined a small number of Kentucky districts and individual schools, including some in Louisville, that have banned certain hairstyles.
According to the Williamsburg district handbook, other kinds of hair "disrupt the educational process and can represent certain groups or gang membership."
"We're trying to teach obedience and conformity," Williamsburg principal Joy Mack said. "We don't expect much resistance."
Geez, does Ms. Mack sound like a member of the Borg collective, or what? But don't fear, Williamsburg students:
"Williamsburg Superintendent Dennis Byrd said students who violate the policy will be disciplined on a 'situational basis.' Punishment will range from being ordered to adapt hair to meet the standard to suspension from school, according to the school handbook.
Byrd said the ban does not apply to cornrows or mullets."
Thank goodness for small favors, eh?