I thought the LGOMB's Jason Scott lived in Delaware

Baboon seen roaming New Jersey neighborhood.

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The wisdom of Chris Rock

“Everybody’s so busy wanting to be down with the gang. “I’m conservative”, “I’m liberal”, “I’m conservative”. Bullshit! Be a fucking person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, okay? I’ve got some shit I’m conservative about, I’ve got some shit I’m liberal about. Crime, I’m conservative. Prostitution, I’m liberal!" - Chris Rock

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Doing it wrong

A tribute to those morons in infomercials who demonstrate perfectly why we need to buy the advertised product:

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Exclusive Video of Don Viti's Arrest

language warning:

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Howler of the day

"It is no fluke that higher rates have always grown our GDP… while Lower tax rates shrink it!"

- Kavips posting from Bizarro world

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OK, as a young boy it'd be one thing ...

... but as a sixteen year-old?

I think I'd be walking to school, even if it was ten miles away ... !!

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Broken clocks and Jon Stewart

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I worry that this woman may breed

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"How an Othered body subverts whiteness ..."

Wacky, postmodern educationist mumbo jumbo about black actors using "whiteface" (h/t to Tongue Tied). All I know is that, by far the funniest thing I ever saw about this subject was back when Eddie Murphy was on "Saturday Night Live":

"I watched LOTS of 'Dynasty' ..."

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Open mouth and case closed.

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"Tough" guys

Translation of an al Qaeda statement on the offing of Osama bin Laden:

Even when the Americans managed to kill Osama, they managed to do ONLY that by disgrace and betrayal. Men and heroes only should be confronted in the battlefields but at the end, that’s God’s fate.

WTF?? Says the scum who hijack airliners, plant clandestine explosive devices, bomb embassies, bomb trains, bomb subways, bomb buses, and murder/mutilate women for not being completely subordinate to their barbarian will?

Yeah ... that's "tough," alright.

(h/t to Campaign Spot.)

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What's the Easter Bunny doing today?

An oldie, but a goodie:

Don't worry, Mr. Vice-President ...

... I know it's all a bunch of horsesh**, too!

The Godfather in brief

Awesome Mascot Prank

Luckiest people on Earth

Freeze frame

Excuse me while I slam this door behind me

Leave it to the Brits. They are masters of the indirect insult:

"It should be harder to be an artist. You shouldn't just be able to put a song on YouTube and go out on tour," the daughter of country star Billy Ray Cyrus said.

Yeah you shouldn't become an artist easily. You should be like, born into it or something. Perhaps one has to get a tweener show on Nickelodeon or something to pay your dues as an *ahem* "artist" before going on tour.

I will however, point out the irony of Brits complaining about people being born into something they clearly don't deserve. *cough* Prince Charles *cough*

Beware, from Japan

... a deadly "plutanium" leak:

That would be CBS Early Show co-host (and never-passed-science class) Chris Wragge.

(h/t: Newsbusters.)

DOH!

Soccer ball prank goes dreadfully awry:

No wonder unemployment is going "down"

Jack Webb Schools Holder

This is funny

That about explains it

Unions might be but grammar isn't.

WaPo Headline FTW!

Skywalkers in Korea cross Han Solo

What is Robert Gibbs?

Well, he'll tell you what he is not:

"Cap" movie poster

Here's a first look at the "Captain America: The First Avenger" movie poster:

Not well known is the fact that the title of the film has been changed for predominately "progressive" areas of the country. In these, the film will be known by several alternate monikers:

• "Captain America: The First Oppressor"
• "Captain Racism: The First Slaveholder"
• "Captain Genocide: The First Mass Murderer"
• "Captain Chauvinist: The First Rapist"
• "Captain Hetero: The First Homophobe"

In San Francisco and Berkeley, the film will be known by all five titles simultaneously.

How "Iron Man" should have ended

Football and Fiancees

NSFW but hilarious

Funniest thing I read today

From Cracked.com: 8 Stupid Amazon Products With Impressively Sarcastic Reviews.

The "Tea Titans"

Check out this hilarious parody of the Teen Titans supergroup. My favorite: Christine O'Donnell as "Stark Raven"!!

What is this -- Spanish health class?

Via Zero Out of Five:

Look at #6. Those of you who had even a little Spanish back in the day may remember that "pen" is usually either "[la] pluma" or "[el] bolígrafo."

"Pene" in Spanish means ... "penis."

Most Honest News-Journal Headline ever

I managed to miss this when I first read the article in Friday's News-Journal, but this headline from that day's Dear Abby column says more than it likely meant to:

Beau's awkward dad may need help

Now that is shoplifting!

Via the AP:

Two Oklahoma women are accused of hiding hundreds of dollars worth of goods in their belly fat.

"These two individuals were actually concealing them in areas of their body where excess skin was," according to Officer James Hamm of the Edmond Police Department. "Under their chest area and up under armpits and things of that nature. They were concealing large items."

Edmond police say the women used their bodies to make the heist.

Police say they found 4 pairs of boots, 3 pairs of jeans, a wallet and gloves hidden on 28-year-old Ailene Brown and 37-year-old Shmeco Thomas. Officers say one of the women hid three of the boots beneath her breasts and bra.

I love that facial expression! And I wonder if she remembered to get me those Tims I wanted ...?

Awesome

Here's how to end the ridiculous TSA screening procedures at airports, via PoliPundit:

Have Arizona pass a law saying that illegal aliens will be subject to these procedures as well! The federal government would immediately ask a judge to ban full-body scans.

Sounds ridiculous, but sadly it'd probably work!

Coming next to your local airport:

On a lighter note ...

(E-mailed to me by a friend):

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. (Wait -- you mean women can't??)

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Best post-election political cartoon

... is here.

He's got my vote

Just remember -- they're the "educated" ones!!

Via Weekly Standard Blog: Stewart Rally-goers: Obama Isn't a Keynesian -- He Was Born in Hawaii!

The Modern US President

Truth-O-Matic

Once again our new Error Correction Technology(!) we can fix the President's latest remarks to make them truthful:

Remarks of President Barack Obama
As prepared for delivery
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Washington, DC

After a decade of hardship for middle class families, and a recession that wiped away millions of jobs, we are in the middle of a tough fight to rebuild this economy and put folks back to work.

(Ed. -we're off to a good start. No corrections needed.)

Winning this fight will not depend on government alone. It will depend on the innovation of American entrepreneurs; on the drive of American small business owners; on the skills and talents of American workers. These are the people who will help us grow our economy and create jobs.

(Ed. -not bad. One word must have slipped by the editor)

But government still has an important responsibility. And that’s to create an environment in which someone can raise capital to start a new company; where a business can get a loan to expand; where ingenuity is prized and folks are rewarded for their hard work.

(Ed. -sweet merciful God. He sounds positively capitalist! I blame the Tea Party)

That’s why I fought so hard to pass a jobs bill to cut taxes and make more loans available for entrepreneurs. It eliminated the capital gains taxes for key investments in small businesses. It increased the deduction to defray the costs of starting a company. And it’s freeing up credit for folks who need it the biggest donors to my party. In fact, in just the first two weeks since I signed the bill, thousands of business owners have been able to get new loans through the SBA but not banks as they're too wary of uncertainty right now. So we're full steam ahead with government lending again. That worked out swimmingly last time.

But we need to do more less. So I’ve proposed additional steps to grow the economy public sector and unions and spur hiring by businesses government across America. Now, one of the keys to job creation is to encourage companies to invest more in the United States. But for years, our tax code has actually given billions of dollars in tax breaks that encourage companies to create jobs and profits in other countries. These companies have wisely fled high tax and high regulatory environments for more business friendly ones. They realize their shareholders want ROI and if they don't provide that, someone else will.

I want to close these tax loopholes tax the holy hell out of these bastards. Instead, I want to give every business in America a tax break so they can write off the cost of all new equipment they buy next year. That’s going to make it easier for folks to expand and hire new people. They will not do either however, so long as I keep pushing forward with endless spending, taxing and regulations. I want to make the research and experimentation tax credit permanent but expect Democrats to wail and moan that Big Pharma and Big Oil will be using that tax credit to fullest possible extent. Because promoting new ideas and technologies is how we’ll create jobs and retain our edge as the world’s engine of discovery and innovation. And I want to provide a tax cut for clean energy manufacturing right here in America. Because that’s how we’ll lead the world in this growing industry. Big corporations are evil unless they're Apple or these mythical "green energy" jobs that are nothing more than giveaways to Algore and his ilk.

These are commonsense ideas which is remarkable coming from me as I appear to have none. Hell, I went to Ivy League schools and can't figure out car insurance. When more things are made in America, more families make it in America; more jobs are created in America; more businesses thrive in America. I will somehow take us backwards from an service economy with knowledge workers to a manufacturing economy with the highest labor costs in the world and we will somehow be able to compete with Chinese slave labor. But Republicans in Washington have consistently fought to keep these corporate loopholes open. We all know that Republicans and their magical loopholes are the only thing that drove the Big Three into ruin. Or the steel industry in Pennsylvania or textiles in South Carolina. Stupid loopholes Over the last four years alone, Republicans in the House voted 11 times to continue rewarding corporations that create jobs and profits overseas tax cuts – a policy that costs taxpayers politicians billions of dollars every year.

Like most of my policies That doesn’t make a lot sense. It doesn’t make sense for American workers, American businesses, or America’s economy. Just like the stimulus and health care plans do not make sense for any of these groups A lot of companies that do business internationally make an important contribution to our economy here at home (Ed. - a point so obvious Joe Biden probably wrote that line). That’s a good thing. But there is no reason why our tax code should actively reward them for creating jobs overseas punish them for making money. Instead, we should be using our tax dollars to reward companies that create jobs and businesses within our borders but I don't know how to do that and steal every last penny from them so I can spend it where I think it ought to go.

We should give tax breaks to American small businesses and manufacturers. We should reward the people who are helping us Democrats lead in the industries of the future cash fundraising, like clean energy. That’s how we’ll ensure that American innovation and ingenuity are what drive the next century. That’s how we’ll put our people back to work and lead the global economy which, as I said before will be a Great Leap Forward to the 1950's when manufacturing was king in America. And that’s what I’ll be fighting for in the coming months. That, and my job. Oh, and my legacy. But also jobs.

Thank you.

Thursday evening funny

I finally discovered this classic SNL skit from 1990 featuring host Rob Lowe. His impersonation of former late-night talk show host Arsenio Hall is dead-pan perfect -- as is how Hall's [usual] audience is portrayed. And check out Lowe's finger extensions!!

Can't throw, can't govern?

Florida US Senate candidate Charlie Crist tosses the first pitch at Tampa Bay's playoff game:

Dude!

John McCormack wonders: "... maybe Crist's just trying to endear himself to Obama?"

DOH!

Via Insty: Polish Neo-Nazis Discover That They’re Jewish.

Whoops

Maybe they're talking about health class?

(h/t to The Corner.)

What would Ronnie say?

I have an idea

I think we need a sport that is a combination of Simon Says, military style marching, and oh, I don't know, Fashion Week in New York. What's that? They already have it in Japan? Of course they do.

Update: Skip ahead to about 1:35 for it to begin.

The Harry Reid Soundboard

A great time waster and chuckle-inducer.

Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give A Sh**?

An instant classic:

G.E.D. answers

Well, the new school year is upon us, and as such it's time for a little education humor. The following was sent to me from a fellow teacher, but I make no claim as to its accuracy:

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Top Ten Signs of Doom (for Democrats)

Via Moe Lane:

1. The response of every Democrat to every Republican question or comment becomes, semantically speaking, “George W. Bush.” Up to and including “What are the visiting hours for the art gallery?”
2. The Democrats start talking up “scandals” involving Republicans that wouldn’t even get you a verbal reprimand at your job if you did them.
3. A Democratic legislator snaps and attempts to strangle someone. On camera.
4. The usual suspects start talking about how important it is to keep the Republicans from being able to overturn vetoes.
5. All talk of the filibuster dies the True Death.
6. The DSCC starts funding the New York races.
7. The DCCC starts funding urban House races.
8. We see a week of “Will the Republicans try to impeach the President?” stories in the media. Or a month of them.
9. A convoluted theory appears that tortuously ‘proves’ that the Democrats are actually going to gain seats, really. It will involve three random trends whose relationship with each other is not immediately obvious. It will have a buzzword. Every site on the Left will talk it up for two weeks. It will then disappear without a trace.
10. “Of course we’re going to keep Congress. GOTV will save us.”

Number one is my favorite, of course.

Top Ten Worst Movie Clichés

Via my buddy Brent:

Number 1 is hilarious, and reminds me of a buddy back in high school lambasting the 1960s "Batman" TV show. He said,

Now c'mon -- Mr. Freeze has Batman and Robin all tied up and dead to rights. But does he shoot 'em? HELL NO. He puts 'em in a big Slurpee where they slowly descend into the ice. Then he LEAVES so that 'ol Bats can conveniently figure out a way to escape with nobody around!

Conspicuously missing from the list: People entering a dark house or room ... and never bothering to turn on the f'ing lights!

Hube's comicbook quirk of the week

Comics are certainly notorious for piggybacking on [short-lived] fads. Too often, they fail miserably. Case in point: Marvel's US 1.

Yep, that's the #1 comics publisher attempting to cash in on the CB radio craze of over three decades ago. (Although, Marvel issues didn't begin to cost 60 cents until at least 1983, the year US 1 debuted. Maybe the title bombed because Marvel was about five years too late?) US 1 is a trucker, natch ... "with a steel plate in his brain that lets him receive CB signals" -- his "CB Skull."

But what kind of trucker stands like that? And since when does a trucker look like Mike Reno of Loverboy?

Believe it or not, US 1 eventually was recruited by space aliens. Why? Because "what the Universe really needs are truckers! Why sure! Men of courage and intelligence who are strong-willed and independent! Men who could stand up to the rigors, and most especially the solitude, of space!"

Gotcha.

(h/t: Heavy.com's "The 20 Worst Superheroes.")

They must want Iron Man technology

Via the Wilmington News Journal: Delaware courts: Senators appeal for vote on Stark.

BS Remover

Hube teaches Jason330 Spanish

Best fictitious song name by a fictitious band

"Cooking With Pork" by The Value of Human Life Index.

Just one of the top five dance tunes featured on the "Dieter's Dance Party" episode of Saturday Night Live's "Sprockets" from 1990.

Demented genius

In case you needed another reason to avoid Angola

Foreigners plop down $15 for a cheeseburger, $150 for haircuts; $2,500 for a one-year gym membership and tens of thousands of dollars for rent.

I'm positively gobsmacked. Really? $150 haircuts? How is this possible? I've never wanted to be a barber before but I'm sure that for $150 a pop in a country that poor I'd have a pretty comfortable margin.

I could open a barber shop offering nothing but crew cuts and charge a mere $75 apiece and probably do just fine.

I really gotta get one of these

So awesome. The thing looks like it weighs forty pounds and I can't imagine the amount of RF signal leak on that thing. My kids are going to laugh hysterically when I show them my current cell phone in a few years I'm sure.

News Journal: More kids waiting for charter schools than entire population of U.S.

Who knew? According to the enlightened brains at the Wilmington News Journal, 420 million kids are on waiting lists for charter schools!

Population of the USA? About 307 million.

It's 4th of July, so ...

... time to see how freakin' stupid some of us are:

Sweet justice

Watch this Yankee fan on his cell phone (and therefore not paying attention) catch a ground rule double with his face:

Maybe now he knows what teachers deal with on a daily basis

Check out the dude in the back right:

Hey -- I'm sleepy tired of his rhetoric too!

Just because

(If you're interested.)

Proof that the "N" word was used at the health care signing protests

Right here. I knew it'd come about eventually!

I'm just a bill ...

Stop! The fabric of space-time is about be torn asunder!

The science is "settled" -- no longer can we continue to use warp drive to traverse the stars. It's gradual effect is tearing apart the fabric of space!

Why not?

Someone alert the MSM:

(h/t: The Nose on Your Face.)

Olbermann vs. his conscience

Couldn't happen to a nicer network

Dopes:

Neil Young covers "Pants on the Ground"

Actually, it's [the hilarious] Jimmy Fallon:

Stewart tears into Olbermann

Well worth the wait:

But does he support universal health care?

Man, I didn't even know he ran in '08! What happened?

How to make homemade hooch

Courtesy of one Capt. B.F. "Hawkeye" Pierce:

Why not? He got a Nobel for doing nothing!

Via the AP:

A musical about Barack Obama's "Yes we can" election campaign premieres in Germany this weekend, including love songs by the president to his wife Michelle and duets with Hillary Clinton.

In all, 30 singers, actors and dancers are to perform in the musical "Hope — the Obama Musical Story" when it opens at the Jahrhunderthalle concert hall in Frankfurt in a bilingual mix of English and German. The audience may recognize that many songs quote from the politicians' stump speeches during the 2008 U.S. presidential campaign.

Word is that upcoming Obama musicals are:

• "Debt: Quadrulpe It In Record Time."
• "Healthcare -- WTF??"
• "I, Me ... Me, I."
• "Live On C-SPAN, Oh Wait ..."
• "Gimme My Teleprompter."
• "Chickens Come Home To Roost" (with Jeremiah Wright)

The Racism Flow Chart

A must view.

Holiday humor

A Glengarry Christmas (h/t to The Provocateur):

The original (Alec Baldwin's best-ever performance in motion pictures):

Merry Christmas

With apologies to Andy McCarthy:

To All My Liberal Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

To All My Conservative Friends:

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Tiger Woods Funny of the Day

Uh oh -- wonder when Sharpton and co. will begin the protests:

Sunday morning hilarity

Since our local channel 57 doesn't carry the 11:00am "Three Stooges" anymore, here's the second half of one of my favorite episodes, where minutes 3:00 to 4:06 absolutely kill me:

A little secret

How pumpkin pie is really made:

(h/t to cardinals fan!)

Eagles cake FAIL!!

My daughter stopped me yesterday while we were food shopping, all the while she was laughing hysterically. Why? Looks like whoever decorated this cake only likes one member of the team:

Eagles support FAIL!!

Arnold Schwarzenegger on Roman Polanski

Barack's other awards for his "accomplishments"

See Cartoons by Cartoon by John Cole - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

Top 10 celebrity conspiracy theory nutjobs

The Shark Guys lay it all out:

10) Spencer and Heidi Pratt:

(Excerpts from an appearance on the radio show of Alex Jones , himself a conspiracy theorist and the man behind “The Obama Deception” ): “We’ve been nonstop researching the Internet … for information for at least a month all day every day,” said Heidi. Spencer added: “From your [Jones'] research, it [9/11] 100 percent is [an inside job] … “I want to throw up.”

Hube says: The Pratts, living examples of why modern television is the cultural downfall of civilization (they're the stars of "The Hills"), are regular targets of Joel McHale on "The Soup" (the one show that recognizes how awful modern TV truly is). They probably have a combined IQ in the two-digit range. As for Jones, the dude is just a nut, period. One of his "followers" hassled me for a time years ago when I had the old "Cube" blog. Ultimately, he had to resort to making light of the fact that I collected comics.

9) Woody Harrelson:

“I am reading a book now called The New Pearl Harbor by David Ray Griffin. I’ve been stuck in the position of ignoring my gut — knowing things don’t stack up. Even though our government obviously took advantage of 9/11 by making it their 'Reichstag,' I told myself, 'Surely they weren’t involved.' After reading this book I can’t doubt that our government was at least complicit in allowing 9/11 to happen.”

Hube says: The Shark Guys provide a fact I never knew -- Harrelson's father was widely thought by conspiracy buffs to be involved in the murder of JFK! He actually bragged about it when it came to light, too.

8) Mos Def:

“I don’t believe it was bin Laden today. I don’t believe it was never him … I’m sorry, I’m from the projects, I know danger. I don’t feel no danger from that shit… Highly-educated people in all areas of science have spoken on the fishiness around the whole 9/11 theory.”

Hube says: Didn't he contradict himself with that "I don't believe it was never him" double negative? And WTF does being from the projects have to do with common sense? Def sounds like NPR's Frank James.

7) Willie Nelson:

“I saw one fall, and it was just so symmetrical, I said wait a minute. I just saw that last week at the casino in Las Vegas, and you see these implosions all the time. And the next one fell, and I said, hell, there’s another one – and they’re trying to tell me that an airplane did it, and I can’t go along with that … What does it take for us to realize we’re having the wool pulled over our eyes one more time?”

Hube says: I have a soft spot for poor Willie, having had to deal with the IRS for a decent portion of his life. And I can forgive his wretched duet with Julio Iglesias, "To All The Girls I've Loved Before." But seeing a demolition in Vegas doesn't mean something sinister happened in NYC on 9/11.

6) Tom DeLonge of Blink 182:

“We do know that the buildings came down in a fashion extremely similar to a controlled demolition of a building – we do know that expertise that is needed to fly those gigantic planes into that exact location could never have been achieved by someone that just learned how to fly a small plane.”

Hube says: I'm not sure which is worse -- Blink 182 or 1985's awful film "Turk 182!" starring Timothy Hutton. As Shark notes, "Salon.com in an 'Ask The Pilot' article addressing 9/11 questions, quoted someone who did fly planes for living as saying: … Striking the Pentagon, or navigating along the Hudson River to Manhattan on a cloudless morning, with the sole intention of steering head-on into a building, did not require a mastery of airmanship.” But c'mon -- DeLonge is a musician in a famous band! He has to be heard! Listened to! DeLonge also said Dick Cheney knew about the whole thing. Yeah, right. Just yet another reason to shun modern music.

5) Marion Cotillard:

“We see other towers of the same kind being hit by planes. Are they burned? There was a tower, I believe it was in Spain, which burnt for 24 hours. It never collapsed. None of these towers collapsed. And there [in NY], in a few minutes, the whole thing collapsed.”

Hube says: Sorry, but being unbelievably hot doesn't mean you should act like a total dunderhead. On second thought, maybe it does. Cotillard believes that the US government purposely "blew up" the towers in NYC because it was cheaper than "re-cabling" them. Of course, this doesn't address why a plane smashed into the Pentagon, and why another was on its way to DC.

4) Jesse Ventura:

“How could those buildings fall at the speed of gravity – if you put a stopwatch on them both of those World Trade Center buildings were on the ground in ten seconds – how can that be? Never before in the annals of history has a fire caused a steel structure building to fall to the ground like these two did.”

Hube says: Shark notes that Jesse moved to Mexico to "escape fascism." Good luck with that, Jess -- I just hope your saved up cash from "Predator" and "The Running Man" is sufficient for living in a country where bribery takes precedent over the law. Talk about fascism!

3) Rosie O'Donnell:

“It is impossible for a building to fall the way it fell without explosives being involved — World Trade Center 7. World Trade 1 and 2 got hit by planes. 7, miraculously, the first time in history, steel was melted by fire. It is physically impossible."

Hube says: O'Donnell's lunacy is legendary, to say the least. To believe that fire cannot melt steel is essentially believing that steel is actually adamantium.

2) Janeane Garofolo:

“9/11 was an inside job!! I have come to this conclusion about that. … I think all Air America phone-in callers should open by saying, ‘9/11 was an inside job. We can all agree on that,' then get on with their specific question or comment. We should re-condition the listening audience to accept the Truth about 9/11 as the gospel.”

Hube says: Garofolo is supposed to be a comedienne; she's never been particularly funny -- unless you count her moronic beliefs as "humor." Garofolo most recently has offered that all the Tea Party protestors are "racist" (surprise there, eh?). Now that's some original material!

1) Charlie Sheen:

“It seems to me like 19 amateurs with box cutters taking over four commercial airliners and hitting 75 percent of their targets, that feels like a conspiracy theory. It raises a lot of questions.”

Hube says: "I think I made a big mistake coming here, grandma." That's what Sheen's character in "Platoon" wrote home at one point. In real life he might wanna write "I think I made a bad career move, acting nutty like this." Sheen recently recorded a video message to President Obama imploring him to [re]investigate Sept. 11, 2001. Yeah, that'll work. One thing to wonder: Maybe Sheen's role in "The Arrival" transformed him into a "believer?"

Perhaps better to consider is what Sheen's character in "Wall Street" thought to himself on his Manhattan apt. balcony: "Who am I?" Answer: A nutjob.

Kanye West at Obama's speech

h/t to Campaign Spot:

Since my local station removed the Stooges from their Sunday timeslot ...

... I'll have to be content with YouTube, I guess:

It wasn't a mistake

Heh.

Man, if this was true ...

... our LGOMB (Local Gaggle of Moonbat Bloggers) would be the skinniest people on the planet.

Check out #2 on the list.

The dirtiest line ever uttered in comics

Courtesy of Timewarp #5 (1980) in the short "... Until I Find A Way In Time":

Despite this vulgarity (LOL), Sheldon Mayer's yarn may be the best I've yet read in this DC sci-fi title. It's sort of a "Timecop" tale, where an unscrupulous 25th century dude plans to make himself rich back in the 19th century. It utilizes a "closed loop" time geometry; the protagonist gets rich by betting with Martian industrial diamonds. However, these diamonds contain a strain of the "Martian Flu" which proceeds to wipe out all of humanity in a few years! Our protagonist discovers this sordid fact after he jaunts sixty years up the timestream (still in the 19th century) to take advantage of his accumulated riches. Oops. He can't even jaunt back to his home 25th century because humanity is dead -- time travel will never have been invented, so his traveling device is useless! But ... if dead humanity prevents time travel from being invented, why is our protagonist still alive?? He'd never have been born!

(Also at The Comics of Rhodey.)

What happened to the DE Lib gang at college

Or, Jason Scott aka Kent Dorfman:

Heckler 1, Candidate 0

Poor Toledo Mayoral Candidate Ben Konop (D). He just can't shake one persistent (albeit uninspired) heckler:

The Mary Jo Kopechne commemorative Google logo

(h/t: Small Dead Animals.)

Appropriate acronym for Senate healthcare plan

Newsbusters' P.J. Gladnick is on it: It's called "QAHCAA." Figure out the phonetic equivalent!

More lefty racism: They all look alike

If a conservative had made this blunder, it'd be big news as "evidence" that "racism" is not dead. Check out the graphic from MSNBC's "Hardball" Monday night:

Yep, that's Obama Senate replacement Roland Burris on a graphic about Obama's handling of the economy. DOH!

(h/t: Media Blog.)

Looks like someone knows he's an empty suit!

Obama dissed by the Russkies -- that, or they think Barack didn't wash his hands after he took a leak:

Newest board game on the market

Obamopoly!

(Thanks to my buddy Greg for sending this via e-mail!)

Barbara Boxer -- meet DOCTOR Evil

(h/t: The Corner.)

Obama throughout history

Courtesy Rich Lowry:

On the Sack of Rome: "Any time a major urban area is plundered so quickly, it is concerning to us. We are sure the Gauls and Chieftain Brennus understand Roman worries about the utter devastation of their city."

On the Blitz: "Any time a city is bombed for 57 straight nights, we take notice. That is something that interests us. We hope all national air forces involved in this dismaying conflict behave responsibly."

On the creation of the Berlin Wall: "Any time a barrier divides people we get worried, and perhaps even chagrined. We hope all Germans can work this out amicably, and agree on construction standards and building materials going forward. We, as Americans, stand ready to observe closely."

On the boat-people exodus from Vietnam: "Any time people resort to watercraft in such numbers that is certainly notable. I'm sure the Provisional Revolutionary Government of the Republic of South Vietnam will work with its duly constituted maritime authorities to resolve this matter in a manner satisfactory to all parties.”

A newly discovered Fantastic Four issue!

Check it out -- a variant cover of Fantastic Four #21 in glorious black & white discovered in a dusty long box (click on image for larger version):

MSNBC fails U.S. geography -- again

Check out this graphic regarding the Virginia governor's race.

Previous MSNBC geographical illiteracy.

Just imagine if Limbaugh, Beck, et. al. ...

... had said something similar about one of the Obama daughters. Or any other Democrat's young daughter.

Just one more reason I gave up watching David Letterman years ago: Dave's "classy" joke about 14-year old Willow Palin.

World's shortest books -- 2009 edition

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore with Introduction by Michelle Obama

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev. Jesse Jackson & Rev. Al Sharpton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
by Bill Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY
by Nancy Pelosi

GOP vs. Democrat joke

My buddy Greg sent this via e-mail:

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

Question:

If Iron Man saves you, exactly how rude is it to stick refrigerator magnets to his back when he isn’t looking?

(h/t: IMAO and Paul Smith Jr.)

Little known Star Trek trivia

Bet you never knew these factoids!

Iron Man is getting prepared

Petraeus Gives Stark Warning of Potentially Imminent Pakistani Collapse.

(Via Insty.)

Hilarious Onion satire: How the MSM covers for Obama

Headline: Media Having Trouble Finding Right Angle On Obama's Double-Homicide.

Hilarious, but with a definite ring of truth.

Even the most evil genius alive can't understand our tax code!

Courtesy of the ever-awesome Mark Engblom:

What's in a name

Via e-mail from my friend Greg:

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston .'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'

'Well,' she explained, 'One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.'

'Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.'

"And that's when the fight started ..."

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....
.........................................

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started....
..........................................

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And then the fight started ...
........................................

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy Shit. That must be my husband!" So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!" The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?" And then the fight started.....
.........................................

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And then the fight started....
........................................

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started.....
.........................................

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah," I replied. "She can order for herself." And then the fight started...
........................................

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...
..........................................

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too." And then the fight started...
...........................................

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started.........
....................................

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a scale. And then the fight started...
........................................

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.

The Obama-Matic (TM) Content-Free Euphemism Generator

Check it out via The Tank.

Warning: Totally un-P.C. nuggets you didn't hear from Obama on the "Tonight Show"

Via e-mail courtesy of my pal Greg:

• "Thanks for having me on the show, Jay. You seem like a pretty nice guy for an Italian. [Tony Soprano impersonation] Ayyyy! Fuggetaboutit!"

• "Kevin Eubanks, how are ya, man? Is Jay letting you come in through the front entrance yet? No? It's okay, I do the same thing to Biden."

• "I stopped by Hollywood earlier. Or as I call it, Little Israel. I dropped a penny on the sidewalk and lost 3 Secret Service guys."

• "You think being the first black president is easy? Every time I leave the White House, Secret Service checks my pockets for silverware."

• "Yeah, John McCain and I get along. Although he always freezes me out when I try to give him a high five! [audience groans] What, too soon?"

• "Sarah Palin and I don't talk much, 'cause I don't speak Tardese. 'Doy! Durr! Look at my dumb baby!' [audience member boos] Oh, lighten up."

• "Ya know, I thought about picking a female VP too. But I've already got somebody to clean my house and fetch me beers! Am I right, fellas?"

• "Any Irish folks in the audience? Don't raise your hand, you might spill your drink. 'When Oirish oys are smilin'...'" [staggers, pretends to vomit]

• "Another great thing about LA is all the fags. [audience hisses] OK, OK, Faggot-Americans. Hey, I got no problem with it. After all, I did hire Rahm Emmanuel!"

• "You know what cracks me up? Chinese people. [sticks front teeth over bottom lip and pushes back corners of eyes] 'Herro, Mistel Plesident!'"

• "People ask what scares me most. Iran? The economy? Try: Waking up every morning next to She-Hulk! Oh, I'm gonna get it when I come home."

The Debt Star

Courtesy The Watcher:

If I had to listen to Gibbs, I'd wink off too!

Reporter nods off during White House press briefing.

The Botchmen

OK, I couldn't stop laughing for about five minutes after first seeing this (courtesy Instapundit):

Funniest part? The don't even change the name of "The Comedian" for Joe Biden.

This ...

... is pretty F'in funny.

Debbie Downer

My buddy Brent and I coughed up lungs in laughter while watching this Saturday Night Live sketch last night. Of course, it helps that the actors can't control their own laughter!!

Looks like something the News Journal would do

Put in such a helpful "picture" as this:

If this was George Bush it'd be front page material

Via Media Blog:

DOH!!

Hilarious real test and answer blog

Caught this hilarious site via Joanne Jacobs. It features actual test questions, the [usually unintentionally] hilarious student answers, and even some wacky teacher comments.

Check it out -- you'll love it!

Here's one that had me in giggles for several minutes:

Why I love 'em

The Hatemonger's Quarterly on the Israel-Gaza conflict.

Maybe an "X" at the end would have sufficed

“Some troops unhappy about Obama pledge on gays” is a headline on Yahoo News regarding Obama’s planned repeal of the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on gays in the military.

Umm … check out the article author’s name.

Hube's Comicbook Quirk of the Week

Well, ain't really mine ...

(h/t: Paul Smith Jr.)

Graduate of the Delaware Liberal School of Grammar

A sign seen at a Philly Burger King:

Courtesy Shirley over at DE Curmudgeon.

The 2012 Pelosi GTxi SS/RT Sport Edition

How not to respond to a speeding ticket

(h/t: Volokh.)

Another sign the West has too much time on its hands

Via The Guardian (UK) (with a h/t to The Corner):

A new £4.7m primary school in Sheffield is facing criticism for dropping the word "school" from its title after governors decided the term had "negative connotations."

The headteacher of Sheffield's Watercliffe Meadow, Linda Kingdon, said the south Yorkshire school, which is due to open on Monday, will instead be called a "place for learning."

"We decided from an early stage we didn't want to use the word 'school'," she told local newspaper the Sheffield Star.

"This is Watercliffe Meadow, a place for learning. One reason was many of the parents of the children here had very negative connotations of school."

Ye gads. What's next?

Along these same [ridiculous] lines, I often joked with my students at how certain subjects over the years have had their monikers changed to a more ... "PC" orientation. For instance, "Shop" is now "Technology Education" (frequently called "Tech Ed") and "Home Economics" is now -- wait for it -- "Family and Consumer Science" (usually dubbed "FCS"). So, in keeping with this meme, a number of years back I "renamed" my class from "Spanish" to the edu-babblish "Acquisition of Indo-Iberian European Language."

About five years ago, one student of mine thought it was such a [hilariously] cool idea that she made a huge banner for the classroom with that title. It's hung in my room prominently every year since.

Early buzz on "Iron Man 2"

You may be aware how Marvel is generating their "universe" on the silver screen; that is, their characters will exist in the same continuity. You saw how Samuel L. Jackson appeared at the end of "Iron Man" as well as "The Incredible Hulk;" well, there you have it.

Early buzz for "Iron Man 2" has it that the Spider-Man characters will make their way into Iron Man continuity, in particular Peter Parker's Aunt May. As she suffers from the infirmity of old age, Tony Stark designs a special suit of armor for her to help resist its plight -- and in addition allows her to defend New York alongside her arachnid-powered nephew! She'll be ...

THE GOLDEN OLDIE!!

(This Iron Man parody originally appeared in an all-humor edition of What If? -- #34 -- and was drawn by IM creator supreme Bob Layton.)

Is there more than one O.J. Simpson?

Or does he want people to simply eat fruits and vegetables rather than drinking 'em? At any rate, nothing much funnier than illiterate haters:

(h/t to LGF.)

I haven't laughed this hard in years

You may already know my favorite comics blog is Mark Engblom's Comic Coverage. And this post is a perfect reason why. It's even better than last year's, and that post made me cry laughing at it was!

Is this ...

... the name of the film or a generic advertisement as to what's showing?

(The above image comes from here.)

Why I love Dennis Miller

Just now on O'Reilly's show, Miller on billionaire and CNN founder Ted Turner (who appeared on "The Factor" yesterday):

"What's with the 'Dick Van Dyke on Thorazine with a milk mustache' look? I mean, what's THAT deal?"

The best video since "Dick in a Box" (NSFW)

A friend tipped me to this; the facial expressions just kill me:

So this explains some of the contribs at DE Liberal

Via the Independent (UK):

Indeed, new research at the University of Rochester in New York state shows that boys born to mothers with raised levels of phthalates were more likely to have smaller penises and undescended testicles. They also had a shorter distance between their anus and genitalia, a classic sign of feminisation. And a study at Rotterdam's Erasmus University showed that boys whose mothers had been exposed to PCBs grew up wanting to play with dolls and tea sets rather than with traditionally male toys.

On the more serious side, wouldn't that last sentence perturb sociologists who believe that gender is merely a sociological "construct?" (Just scroll down to the Optional Modules - List B, course SO229 to see what I mean.) In other words, isn't just how we raise our boys and girls that determines what, for example, they play with?

The Right Stuff

One of my favorite films from my youth is "The Right Stuff" (1983). Of course, being a huge aficionado of fighter aircraft, space flight and the battles of the Cold War made this a perfect choice for yours truly. Despite the film's length (over three hours, but it goes by quickly), the flick (based on Tom Wolfe's novel) is epic, charting the development of early space shots from Chuck Yeager's first sound barrier-breaking flight (1947) through the end of the Mercury Program (1963). And perhaps the very best thing is the humor that is injected into the story. Jeff Goldblum and Harry Shearer play two government bureaucrat recruiters whose wordplay and friendly arguments are riotous. But it is Donald Moffat's portrayal of Lyndon Johnson that really makes the movie, in my opinion, as evidenced by this clip (you'll also see some of Goldblum's and Shearer's antics):

The best dialogue:

SCIENTIST: "By combining our available rockets, the Redstone, the Atlas, I agree with those who say we could launch a pod."
JOHNSON: "A POT?"
SCIENTIST: "A POD! A capsule."

JOHNSON: "Spaceman?"
SCIENTIST: "SPAY-CI-MEN."
JOHNSON: "Well, what kind of SPAY-CEE-MEN?"
SCIENTIST: "A tough one... responsive to orders... I had in mind a chimp."
JOHNSON: "'Jimp?' Well, what the hell is a 'jimp?'"
SCIENTIST: "A chimp, a chimpanzee, senator, uh, an ape, unh?"

Plaxico Burress PSA on gun safety

Good stuff:

Joe M. was right -- Batman did pass away

And the obit didn't even appear until today. Pretty clairvoyant of you, Joe!

I'm thankful for ...

... still being able to laugh my ass off. This has to be one of the best baseball bloopers of all time, and it couldn't have happened to a bigger douche:

Caliendo does Barkley

I love great impersonations, and Frank Caliendo doing Charles Barkley always gets me bagging up royally:

"Hey, watch my sandwich will'ya?"

My favorite segment from the Rodney Dangerfield classic "Back to School":

Keith Olbermann in one minute

"I am Obamacus of Borg ..."

Keith Olbermann dead-on impersonation

From SNL. Ben Affleck does a terrific job!!

Doctor Hube

Just kidding. This ain't me. Not to say it isn't a good idea, 'tho ... ;-)

Possibly the scariest cartoon found on Halloween

Courtesy loyal Colossus reader "cardinals fan":

An Obama Halloween

Courtesy Media Blog:

Dogs vs. wives

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Ah'riiiiiight ....

... NOW I've seen everything!

Jesse Jackson lays it on Israel and the Jews

Jesse Jackson on how the US's view of Israel (and the Jewish lobby) will change if Barack Obama wins on November 4th:

PREPARE for a new America: That's the message that the Rev. Jesse Jackson conveyed to participants in the first World Policy Forum, held at this French lakeside resort last week.

He promised "fundamental changes" in US foreign policy - saying America must "heal wounds" it has caused to other nations, revive its alliances and apologize for the "arrogance of the Bush administration."

The most important change would occur in the Middle East, where "decades of putting Israel's interests first" would end.

Jackson believes that, although "Zionists who have controlled American policy for decades" remain strong, they'll lose a great deal of their clout when Barack Obama enters the White House.

Those damn Joooooooos again, right Jesse? It might be time for another Jackson explanation/apology akin to the one he offered back in the early 80s when he referred to New York City as "Hymietown":

Best Eddie Murphy movie scene ever

The bar scene from "48 Hours" (profanity alert):

Best Eddie Murphy SNL skit ever

That would be the "James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub":

Wax poetic

"I Am Dimwitty" by dimwitty.

I think I am it,
although I am a dipsh**.

I can't believe I wrote this crap,
as everyone must know, I'm such a sap.

If you wanna laugh your arse off reading more such "poetry," journey over to Delaware Cretin to scope out dimwitty's latest poetic ventures.

Who'da 'ya think these folks are voting for?

Really, who'da 'ya think?

(h/t to the inalienable Gooch!)

Keith Olbermann names himself "Worst Person"

From Olbermann Watch:

The Messiah: fake college football fan

Doh!

Next up: Barack's visit to my alma mater University of Delaware where he'll give a shout out to the Fightin' "Blue Hands."

How to deal with any protestors at the GOP convention

Advice from Jim the Mechanic (Frank McRae) from 1980's "Used Cars:"

What is it with Obama, his supporters, and geography?

Barack "The Messiah" Obama visited all 57 states.

Virginia Governor Tim Kaine on Fox News Sunday:

Well, first, Joe (Biden) comes from a state, Delaware, that borders Virginia. The eastern shore part of Virginia and Delaware are not only bordering but very, very similar. And I think there's a lot in common, and Joe understands that.

That's actually impossible for Joe to understand, Tim, as Delaware and Virginia share NO common border. Maryland gets in the way for a small bit there.

Wonder why a state's chief exec doesn't know this?

Here he is: Barack America

Remember, Biden yesterday did call him "Barack America."

Stay tuned for the Marvel comic ...

(h/t: Media Blog.)

Heh

Courtesy Rob Tornoe.

Heh

I guarantee you this is what dimwitty thought at first ...

25 Hints You're Not Voting for Obama

Via The Corner's Peter Kirsanow. (Personally, I like #20):

It's unlikely you'll vote for Obama if you....

1. aren't a news anchor.
2. read the New York Times for pretty much the same reason the NSA monitors radio transmissions.
3. automatically conclude that the person laughing in the car next to you must be listening to Rush. Or maybe Obama off teleprompter.
4. dislocated your shoulder trying to explain Obama's position on Iraq to co-workers.
5. find autobiographies generally more interesting when the author has, you know, done something.
6. remember the Carter Administration.
7. would give a month's pay to play Jack Bauer's partner on 24.
8. increasingly agree with Mark Steyn that "almost everything [Obama] says is, well, nuts."
9. think it's relevant — despite what the sophisticates say — that several of Obama's mentors and associates have displayed a dislike for America or a disdain for Americans.
10. think it's relevant that several of McCain's mentors and associates are American heroes of historic magnitude.
11. think about 9/11 more than once a year.
12. have concluded that Larry the Cable Guy makes way more sense than Howard Dean.
13. feel a little safer during turbulence when your pilot is a calm "white haired dude."
14. thought about Hillary's 3:00 a.m. phone call ad when you first heard about Russian tanks in Georgia.
15. wonder why Obama felt it necessary to give a speech on patriotism.
16. get sorta creeped out by 200,000 Germans chanting "Obama! Obama!"
17. think the jury may still be out on Harvard Law School.
18. suspect "merci beaucoup" is French for "empty suit."
19. doubt that teleprompters are really magical dispensers of good ideas.
20. know in your gut that defiantly withstanding 4 1/2 years of torture trumps all of Obama's qualifications and accomplishments combined — regardless of what the elite pundits say.
21. repeatedly find yourself asking "Change to what?"
22. have ever used the term "pompous twit' in the same sentence with "Marx," "Marcuse," or "Sartre."
23. don't like being told what to do — especially by someone who hasn't done it.
24. really like ticking off the media, Hollywood, academics, and PC busybodies everywhere.
25. weren't born yesterday.

Score (# of descriptions that apply to you):
0— Go ahead, write in Dennis Kucinich
1—3 Obama may be your choice after all
4—5 You think Hillary got a raw deal and won't vote Obama
6—24 McCain's your man
25 It's OK to write in Reagan

UPDATE: Kirsanow has 25 more (from readers):

You're unlikely to vote for Obama if you.....

1. aren't registered to vote in France or Germany.
2. believe Gen. Petraeus is more important than Al Gore.
3. nod every time you read a Thomas Sowell column.
4. have ever caught yourself humming the theme from" The Green Berets."
5. have gotten your pants dirty in the last week.
6. kinda like a good steak once in a while.
7. have accidentally discharged your gun during church services in a bitter fit of antipathy over people who aren't like you.
8. wouldn't mind knowing if your 14 year old daughter was being taken by a non-family member to Toledo for an abortion.
9. prefer the Super Bowl to the World Cup.
10. know Sig Sauer isn't the name of Obama's domestic policy advisor.
11. are certain Obama would've taken the tank ride if Dukakis hadn't beaten him to it.
12. can't describe Obama's position on the surge without using the word "incoherent."
13. don't think having a baby is "punishment.".
14. have heard about Obama's vote against the Induced Birth Infant Liability Act.
15. tend to giggle whenever Nancy Pelosi talks energy policy.
16. think your taxes are plenty high already, thank you very much.
17. prefer legislation come from Congress, not the Supreme Court
18. believe we'd be in a world of hurt if we'd followed Obama's advice on Iraq last year.
19. resent the suggestion you're a racist for treating Obama like a serious presidential candidate.
20. hear the name "Osama Bin Laden" and words other than "habeas corpus" come to mind.
21. were to meet William Ayers, you'd be more likely to bop him in the nose than join his board.
22. list either Patton, Braveheart or 300 among your favorite movies.
23. realize that Obama's Speech of the Century on race was, in hindsight, a crock.
24. wonder which government agency is in charge of healing the planet.
25. personally know somebody who packs his passport whenever traveling to San Francisco... just in case.

Score (# of descriptions that apply to you):
0— You heard that according to Publisher's Clearinghouse, Al Gore won Florida
1—3 You think that had Ron Paul gotten more time in the debates he'd be the nominee
4—24 McCain's your man
25 If only Fred Thompson would drink more coffee....

Balls

This is frickin' hilarious -- a guy from the Young America's Foundation asks Rep. William Jefferson (D) what "the best way to store $90K in a freezer" is:

(h/t: La Shawn Barber.)

Scientists find world's smallest snake

Insert Jason & dimwitty joke [here.]

Read article.

Spin of the Day

The Messiah's campaign claims Obama's comments from yesterday -- that "he doesn’t look like all the presidents on the dollar bills" -- wasn't about race:

"What Barack Obama was talking about was that he didn't get here after spending decades in Washington. There is nothing more to this than the fact that he was describing that he was new to the political scene. He was referring to the fact that he didn't come into the race with the history of others. It is not about race." -- Obama Communications Director Robert Gibbs.

Let's see: "Doesn't LOOK like all the presidents ..." Right. And how much "time" did Washington spend ... in Washington?

For some good laughs ...

... check out this site. Hilarious advertising from the Far East. Still, in many cases the English is better than you'll find here.

Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman

Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman:

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when
you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!

Bust on McCain, get made a fool

James Taranto hilariously calls out liberal journalist David Corn for a "those who live in glass houses" moment. Corn writes:

Where is McCain's intellectual curiosity? Over the past decade, more and more Americans of all ages have become wired. Using email and the Internet has become a fundamental activity of modern life. How could McCain, who has long wanted to lead this nation, say to himself, I don't need to know how this stuff works? And in an era when so much depends on the Internet--including much of the economy and aspects of national security--how could a senior legislator and commander-in-chief wannabe eschew firsthand experience of how this series of tubes and wires functions?

TUBES? As the text lingo would say, "ROTFLMAO!"

Below is a pic of Corn's computer, obviously retrofitted with a modem so he can blog:

The Disassociator

Courtesy of Newsbusters reader Ira B.:

"No, DUH!" headline of the week

Man jumps from plane with no parachute, dies.

Courtesy of MSNBC.com

Great golf sign

Mike Mahaffie, Fritz Schranck and other golfers out there may get a kick out of this:

Any golfers, serious or otherwise, ever hit a house adjacent to a golf course? How 'bout a car in the parking lot? A fellow golfer?

I've hit a couple [town]houses along Porky Oliver's 7th hole before. There's a huge amount of protective netting along that fairway; however, it's still easy to put an errant shot through it.

I've never hit a car, although my car was hit once -- at the same Porky Oliver's. I was parked a safe distance (or so I thought) from the 9th hole (which is very close to the parking lot), yet my old Honda CRX had a big dent in its roof when I finished my round. Either someone hit a massive hook on the 9th tee to reach my car (unlikely), or a mild hook found its way to the parking lot and my car was on the receiving end of a bounce (more likely).

I've actually seen a moving car get drilled. It was only a few weeks ago at the revamped Rock Manor. A hole on the back nine is right alongside a new road that traverses the course. One of the guys I was playing with hits his drive and immediately yells "I think I got it!" "Got what," I asked? BOOM! He had hooked his drive right into the side of an oncoming Toyota. The car never stopped, although from the look on the passengers' faces, they were none too happy. 'Ya think?

Lastly, I have indeed hit another golfer with a shot while on the course. But -- it wasn't really my fault. At Chester County, PA's Loch Nairn course, a good buddy of mine and myself were a twosome. The very slow foursome in front of us graciously allowed us to play through at the second tee. My buddy hit his drive. Not well, mind you, but it was OK. My turn, next. One of the foursome was standing only about 150 yds. from the tee box, just a little to the left. He was right out in the open. Worst of all, he wasn't paying attention. SMACK! I hit my drive and it duck hooks left -- right at the guy! I immediately yell "FORE! FORE!!!!" Too late. The guy looks up when the speeding ball is almost upon him. It actually looks comical from my vantage point because he doesn't know which way to duck out of the way. In his indecision, he barely moves at all -- and my shot catches him full in the chest!! My buddy and I wince and exclaim "AWWW!" in unison, all the while suppressing laughter (you just hadda see the guy juking right and left trying to decide which way to duck!). We drive down to the guy and I ask "You OK, man?" He manages to get out "What do you think??" In my defense, I explain that I yelled "fore" right away and point out that he wasn't even watching us hit off the tee. No response. Not wanting to exacerbate the situation, my buddy and I don't bother completing the hole. We drive right to the third tee box. All the while clandestinely chuckling.

Lesson: Never, EVER take your eyes off a guy who's hitting from in back of you.

Fifth Annual Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition

Courtesy of the ever-hilarious Hatemonger's Quarterly.

So hilarious, it has to be true

I stopped over to visit my folks this afternoon, and they related this unintentionally knee-slapping anecdote to me:

A New Zealand driver who used a fake car seat belt to fool police was killed when it failed him in a head-on crash, local media reported Saturday.

Ivan Segedin refused to wear a seat belt while driving and had been fined 32 times in the past five years for not wearing one, a coroner's court heard Friday.

Segedin, 39, died in a crash on July 22 last year from multiple injuries when his car crossed the road and collided head-on with an oncoming vehicle on North Island, coroner Carla na Nagara said.

"Ultimately Mr. Segedin's actions in driving without a seat belt have cost him his life in an accident that he may well have survived had he worn one," the New Plymouth Daily News quoted her saying.

In recent memory, I can think of no better example of irony than this!

Barack Obama's grade in geography?

D? F?

Here's why.

Heh

I just switched to the beginning of "Meet the Press." Tim Russert's first guest, Senator Chris Dodd, greeted Russert with "Good morning, Tim. Happy Mother's Day."

Russert hesitated for a couple seconds seeming to wonder if it was a joke. So did I!

Barack Obama in church

Hat tip to Media Blog:

No contest

A friend of mine e-mailed this:

We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and
a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a
huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?

I like the Danes. ;-)

7 Weird Superheroes Who Won't Ever Hit the Silver Screen (But Should)

This is pretty funny, especially the first one.

(h/t to The Corner.)

They're the only team in the majors with more than one

According to MSNBC.com circa 7:30pm, that is:

Zombie's tribute to San Fran anti-war protest

Zombie is the best. His pics are spectacular and accompanying commentary hilarious. His latest is the portfolio of the Iraq War fifth anniversary protest(s) in San Francisco. Here are some of my personal faves (some cropped and emphasized):

Check out the circled sign. Three letters: WTF??

Gotta love it. Defending China's rule over Tibet. Nice.

This guy obviously is a graduate of this site's spelling school. Maybe he's a global warming skeptic -- y'know, the coming "thaw" won't kill us?

Her next birthday present: A friggin' razor.

Separated at birth?

Spongebob Squarepants' Patchy the Pirate:

Golf great Jim Furyk:

A.P.: Muggers attack man "to prepare for an Army physical fitness test"

This isn't necessarily an instance of media bias, but talk about your ever-lovin' lame writing:

Knife-wielding muggers attacked a jogger running in Central Park to prepare for an Army physical fitness test, police and his family said.

"I'm in a lot of pain," Johnny Reberon, 23, said as he returned from a hospital Friday to his Manhattan home.

He was slashed in the arm and leg by two men who accosted him around 8:45 p.m. Thursday, police said. (Link.)

It was Mr. Reberon who was preparing for the Army. Now read that first sentence again!

Why you should always check your kid's homework

Indeed:

(h/t to Greg!)

Agenda for 2008 Democrat convention

7:00 pm Opening flag burning
7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. in Spanish
7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging
7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore
8:15 pm Gay Wedding - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm Our Troops Are War Criminals - John Kerry and John Murtha
9:00 pm Saddam Memorial Rally - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
11:00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbara Streisand
11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn
11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs William (Bill) Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Center Towers - Howard Dean & Rosie O'Donnell
12:15 am 'Truth in Broadcasting Award' - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi
12:50 am Speech and toast by Hugo Chavez to the departure of 'The Great Satan', George W. Bush
12:55 am Hillary proposes a toast to our 89 million new Democratic Mexican voters
1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast to the extinction of the Republican party
1:05 am Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton
1:30 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home

(h/t: Soccer Dad)

Comicbook Quirk of the Week

One of the more hilarious endings to a comics character's [own magazine's] career takes place in Marvel's Kazar the Savage #34 from 1984. After the conclusion to a multi-part epic, the "epilogue" has the protagonist lifted from time and space, and he finds himself being chased in the dark by shadowed entities. Eventually he spots a large building, and makes his way inside. He busts through a massive door to find he's reached ...

(Click image for larger view)

Yep, that's what it says: "The Land of Cancelled Heroes." Of course, however, many of those "cancelled" characters went on to continue their "existence" in the Marvel Universe (some proudly!), especially the Silver Surfer, Nova, Spider-Woman, Ms. Marvel, and [Black] Goliath (although he was recently killed in the so-called epic "Civil War" saga).

See if you can pick them out, but better yet -- name some other characters in that pic!

Hey buddy -- let me give you a tip

The next time you make a fake ID, don't put your girlfriend in the damn picture!!

(h/t to Greg!)

Comicbook Quirk of the Week

One of the few sci-fi staples of the 1970s was the TV show "Six Million Dollar Man." Lee Majors (married at the time to goddess Farrah Fawcett) played Colonel Steve Austin, an astronaut who is severely injured in a flight accident, and is subsequently "rebuilt" with bionic implants which essentially make him a super-human. The show was a smash hit, and of course, numerous Six Million Dollar Man products hit the kiddie shelves as well as comicbook advertising pages (click image for larger view):

Sure, by today's standards the ad is beyond cheesy, but what makes this cheese especially high in dairy fat is Steve Austin's "Special Mission Outfit":

Denim leisure suit?? For "special" missions? Like, where -- rooting out the Communist influence from ... Studio 54?

Latest eBay auction

I kid you not. This is a real eBay auction as of this post (click on image for larger view):

(h/t to Newsbusters reader Jorge T.!)

Comicbook Quirk of the Week

We're movin' up a few years since the last few quirks. Here we have "The Adventures of Gritboy" from Defenders #63 from 1978! Grit was a newspaper that kids could sell to earn some extra cash:

The actual final panel ought to go like this:

Still yet another Comicbook Quirk

This time we have an intense thriller-of-an-ad from Iron Man #44 from 1971! It's the

Comicbook Quirk of the Week

I'm still finding some gems in those old Iron Man comics from the early 70s. Now, I'm diggin' the names of some of these "companies." Check this one out:

Here's that company moniker that's circled in red, in case your peepers aren't that great:

The Height Increase Bureau! Sounds like a subdivision of the F.B.I. or something. I can hear J. Edgar Hoover back in his heyday: "Boys, we need a lot more taller agents!" And bingo -- the H.I.B. was born.

Next we have another great "company" appellation:

The P.V.I.!! But if one wants a "he-man" voice, why not call it the "He-Man Voice Institute"? You might get too many inquiries from budding singers, otherwise.

Comicbook Quirk of the Week 2

Hey everyone! Can you believe we've all been sitting on our asses while the greatest invention of the last 500 years was discovered over forty years ago?? That's right -- I just found this ad in yet another early 1970s Iron Man issue (#49 from 1972, specifically):

Can you imagine that? For a crummy quarter and a dime, an ANTI-GRAVITY DEVICE can be yours!!

What's not generally known is that Tony Stark (Iron Man's alter-ego) created the thing! That's right -- and then he proved what a lousy capitalist he is by offering it to the public at large ... for a crummy 35 cents!

Sheesh.

Comicbook Quirk of the Week

As I've mentioned several times, my favorite comics site (it is the best comics blog out there!) is Mark Engblom's Comic Coverage. Mark's a wiz with graphics; indeed, some of his best work is when he delves into the comical (pun intended) minutae of comicbooks, like their faux pas' and the [sometimes unintentionally] humorous ads that inhabit the pages of older books.

Anyhoo, last night as I'm laying in bed getting ready for slumberville, I find myself reading some early 1970s Iron Man books (surprise there, eh?). My daughter was beside me asking me questions about IM's origins and history, and when I turn one of the pages, daughter stops me: "Look at that ad!" she says, and proceeds to bust out in laughter. And no wonder:

You can check out a larger version of the ad here. A man's wig -- for the remarkably low price of $7.95!! Got an oversized dome? No worries -- this wig "stays in place on all size heads"! But I wonder -- would it fit a guy like Incredible Hulk nemesis The Leader (at left)?? It's also "cool and lightweight," yo. That's great, but was it really necessary to put "lightweight" in there? Like, what else would it be? Fifteen friggin' pounds or something?

But probably the best thing about this eight-buck piece (excuse me, that's seven ninety-five) is that it is constructed of "modacrylic fiber"! It "looks and feels like real hair -- has luster, rich body and bounce of human hair." It can also be "washed and shampooed," and it "never loses its shape"! Perhaps this ad is just too modest -- or didn't have enough room -- to continue on about that miracle modacrylic fiber. This fiber also makes the wig "dimensionally stable," "easily dyed," and resistant to "chemicals and solvents"! Oh, and did I leave out fireproof? Yes I did, dammit! And silly me -- it's also "not attacked by moths or mildew"! Sheesh!

But just take a gander at that dude's expression in the ad. You just know he's thinking "How the f*** did I get sucked into doing this?? This has got to be the most asinine-looking rug ever." I also like how the ad states "Mention Style M-105" when you order. I can see the dudes at Franklin Fashions when they open the mail: "Hey Joe! Another M-105!" and then the whole factory erupts in raucous laughter.

UPDATE: DE blogger extraordinaire Dana Garrett (at left) sends me word that he actually tried out one of these things:

"Hube: I felt I had to take a shot and sent in the $7.95. What the hell was I thinking?? The thing SUCKS!! Modacrylic fiber my ASS!"

Yaphet Kotto for president!

Vote for me.

And why not? He's the only one to actually fight the nightmare-inducing creature from the classic 1979 "Alien."

He gave me a couple good seconds
before I cored his skull!

Kotto's just the guy we need to fight Islamic terrorists! Just ask the android Ash below:

He knocked my f***ing head off!

My favorite Christmas cookie

Courtesy Mark at Comic Coverage -- THE best comics blog out there. And be sure to check out his utterly hilarious "Dr. Doom's Scary Santa Gallery"! Mark's a whiz at making knee-slapping graphics, and here's a taste:

We are ... the Time Haters!

I'm sorry, but this Dave Chappelle skit just kills me. Really. I laughed so hard the first few times I saw it I really thought I would die. I must've seen it about 50 times now and I still laugh like a nut. Caution: If you're ... sensitive to [racial] epithets, you might not wanna watch.

P.C. Christmas wishes

I got a kick out of the following, forwarded to me by blog-buddy Greg:

To All My Democrat Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

To My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

In the meantime, enjoy this article from the Tennessean.com about the "murky waters" of the 1st Amendment and public schools. This should come as no surprise:

"People tend to carry around two failed models in their head," Haynes said. "Either we keep religion entirely out of public schools or we keep on doing what we used to do in the good old days and promote religion in school."

Because of those failed models, schools end up making poor decisions when it comes to religion.

The school allowed other groups on campus, so the Millers thought the Praying Parents meetings were perfectly legal. However, the group became the focus of a federal lawsuit.

In September, the ACLU claimed that by allowing the Praying Parents on campus, Wilson County school officials had violated the constitutional separation of church and state.

Hopefully, the ACLU will lose. It's my understanding that religious groups have the same rights to use public facilities as any other group. Ever watch cable access channel 28 (fellow northern Delawareans, that is)? A ministry and its congregation are televised from Mt. Pleasant High School, a public school in Wilmington.

Comicbook Quirk of the Week

One of the more facetious aspects about collecting comics back in the day was the cheesy ads found at the very back of the books. In the mid-70s, many of these featured GI Joe and the various incarnations thereof. By "various incarnations" I mean the attempt by Hasbro to make Joe characters more "superhero-like." Take this ad, for instance (click on image for a larger version):

In the first panel, we see Mike Power, Atomic Man lugging around Eagle-Eye GI Joe. Notice it says that they're "on patrol." On patrol?? 'Ya think they could get Eagle-Eye Joe some sort of gandola or something to sit in, don'tcha? I mean, he's gotta just hang on to Mike Power's leg the whole time?? (Better view on the second panel below.) Face it -- after about ten minutes of grabbing a mere leg, Eagle-Eye would be bitching to his superiors "Hey guys, let's get real here. Gimme a friggin' seat or somethin', huh? I'm not super-strong, after all! All I got are sharp eyes!!"

But this ad actually introduces another GI Joe "superhero" into the mix: Bulletman, the Human Bullet. Not only does he have a costume that'd make the guys on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" wince, but he's quick with the witty quip, too!

In addition, it is a bit perplexing how Bulletman just ups and joins the GI Joe Crew with no hesitation whatsoever:

How d'ya like that? Bulletman, the Human Bullet and World's Thickest Superhero. I mean, there could be no chance that Mike Power and Eagle Eye could be ... Soviet Agents, right? (Remember -- this is the mid-70s!) "Hey Bulletman, come on back with us to our HQ so we can get you squared away with joining our little coffee clatch ... !" **WHAM!!** Instant prisoner. Now here comes the KGB to claim their prize!

Mark, over at the awesome Comic Coverage, has the scoop on a different Bulletman.

The nutroots in action

Zombie is awesome at chronicling the moonbats in action. Be sure to check out his "Beach Impeach IV" and "Code Pink vs. The Marines." Here's a brief sample, taken only as a small part of a couple of the many pics (this, from the latter link):

The Hube-inserted arrow is indicating, if you can't tell, that the Code Pink ladies must not be very good with numbers. I mean, what the heck kind of number is 1,001,9713,78?? To be fair, maybe the sign(?) got sort of bent and the number actually indicates a number of Iraqi and American dead (separately), and the full numbers just can't be seen. But if so, why is the word "DEAD" seemingly seamless?

Then there are the 9-11 Truthers from the former link. Wonder if local DE moonbat Liz Allen was among those in attendance?

The perfect gift gift for Christmas or Hanukkah

I thought this was great when the head of our school cafeteria showed it to me earlier today:

The best thing about it is the "action figure" part. I mean, who ever thinks of a lunch lady as someone in "action"??

Bweare of sutdents

Florida education at its not-so-finest:

(h/t: Joanne Jacobs.)

Separated at birth

Beleaguered Hillary Clinton fundraiser Norman Hsu and character actor Don Calfa, one of my favorite regular Barney Miller precinct visitors:

Live Earth a stinker, so BBC cancels global warming show

Noel Sheppard over at Newsbusters notes that the BBC is ditching a planned special on global warming in part because Al Gore's "Live Earth" concerts proved to be such a bust:

The BBC announced today that the project has been scrapped. Negative reaction to this summer's flop Live Earth concert, promoted by Al Gore, the former US Vice-President, was cited as a factor. Viewers told the BBC to present the debate around climate change in an informed and rigorous manner. They did not want to be lectured by wealthy pop stars and celebrities.

'Ya think? But hey, maybe Gore can coddle together this "all-star" line-up for another pathetic attempt at do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do elitist hypocrisy:

• A-Ha reunites to perform the "carbon offset" favorite "Take On Me (And My Carbon Footprint)."
• Asia likewise regroups to perform a retooled "Heat of the Moment" now called "Heat of the Last Century."
• Big Country sings "In A Big Country (Too Much Damn CO2 is Emitted)."
• The Cars reform to sing "Drive -- A Hybrid, That Is."
• Thomas Dolby breaks out those synths to do "She Blinded Me With Greenhouse Gasses."
• The Go Go's do "Our Lips Are Sealed," a great tribute to lesser CO2 emissions. After all, no exhalation, no carbon dioxide!
• Gary Numan revives his hit "Cars" but will offer a huge heartfelt apology for ever writing the damn thing in the first place!
• The Pet Shop Boys will perform on a stage mock-up of a heat-devastated Earth and sing "What've I -- What've I -- What've I Done to Deserve This?"
• What do you do when global warming skeptics try to speak? Get the Thompson Twins to sing "Lies, Lies, Lies, yeah-ah!"
• and, last but not least that very first MTV video band Buggles retools to perform "Hydrogen Killed the Petroleum Star."

Have fun, Al!

Best bands that never existed

Instapundit has the link to a site which lists the "The Ten Best Bands That Never Existed." I knew Spinal Tap would be on the list, as well as the Blues Brothers, but some of the choices just SUCKED. I mean, where's Josie and the Pussycats, for cripe's sake? And commenter "James P" is my hero for making the comment I was planning on writing. He asks, "What about The Riverbottom Nightmare Band from the HBO special Emmett Otter's Jugband Christmas??

The RNB (keyboardist and band leader "Chuck" is pictured above left) was a bunch of animal misfits attempting to win a talent show in the HBO Jim Henson-created special. I laughed my ass off as a young teen when it first aired (1977) and I still do whenever I view it (my sister once bought me the video as a Christmas present). I'll never forget the classic line from "The Nightmare" -- the song the group sang at the talent contest. The lead singer, a weasel wearing a Kangol cap over his eyes, bellows "WE DON'T BRUSH OUR TEETH ... 'CAUSE THE PAIN ... MAKES US FEEL MEEEEEAAAAAANNNN!!"

OK, maybe it ain't that funny now, but keep in mind just who the audience was for the special. And then recall what a genius Jim Henson was -- especially since the #1 band on the list was "The Muppet Show's" Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem!! (See below.)

I thought just one is it: decompose

10 things to do when you're dead at the airport.

A fitting end to my papi-in-law's visit

My father-in-law Carlos is a terrific guy. He's also one of the funniest dudes I know. On the day before his departure back to Costa Rica, we watched (in Spanish -- did you know that with Comcast digital cable you can switch the audio to different lingos? It mainly only works with various movie channels) "Commando" -- one of Ahnuld Schwarzenegger's first "big" movies. If you want to laugh at one of the most cliché-ridden action flicks of all time, this is the one. Carlos and I were in tears from laughing so hard at how ridiculous some of the scenes were. (Of course, we elaborated on them to the Nth degree during the film.)

AOL today has a list of the worst action movie clichés, and "Commando" has a good portion of them, that's for sure. Let's take a gander ...

1. Henchmen Are Lousy Shots. "Commando" is possibly the BEST example this! Ahnuld makes his way through literally hundreds of mercenary soldiers (supposedly the "best" and who support deposed some fictitious Latin American dictator played by Dan Hedaya -- Carla's hairy husband from "Cheers") without getting hit by a single bullet. The only thing that slightly injures him is an adjacent exploding grenade. Not only that, but these soldiers don't seem to appreciate the value of taking cover; they willingly run right out into the open to serve as fodder for Ahnuld's machine gun!

2. The Female Hostage. In this case it's Ahnuld's daughter [now-very hot] Alyssa Milano.

4. The Death Trap. When Ahnuld's main nemesis Bennett finally has the governator at his mercy, does he kill him? Of course not! He allows Ahnuld to coax him into hand-to-hand combat which, as we all know, usually doesn't bode well for Ahnuld's opponent!

5. The Ticking Time Bomb. It's not a bomb in this case, but Ahnuld has a mere eleven hours to track down his daughter or she'll be killed. And the only way he can even do this is to somehow escape from an airliner that is taxiing down a runway! And yep -- he does just this, in what has to be the single most suspension-of-reality moment in actioner history: Ahnuld makes his way down to the landing gear (in the process never setting off a warning light in the cockpit!) while the jet is roaring down the tarmac for takeoff. As the plane gets airborne, Arnie jumps -- and lands right in an adjacent marsh. Does he get injured, or even just express some mild discomfort from this daring move? Not in the least! He gets immediately up, takes off his blazer, and begins running back to the airport! Oh yeah -- his clothes somehow get dry in a mere two minutes.

7. The Expository Speech. In the climax, badly beaten up bad-guy Bennett has Ahnuld dead to rights with his pistol. But he continues to rant while the guv looks around, detaches a steam pipe from the wall, and then throws it directly into Bennett's mid-section!

11. Jack Bauer Syndrome. After decimating an island stronghold all by his lonesome, and after getting shot (finally, someone hit him!) and beaten by Bennett, Ahnuld greets his military superiors (and a then-hot Rae Dawn Chong) none the worse for wear.

That covers the AOL list, but they admit they left off a bunch of stuff. Here's some reader suggestions. "Commando" has a few more that may or may not be mentioned (admittedly, I haven't read the entire list of reader suggestions):

• Ahnuld "suits up" just prior to his annihilation of the deposed dictator's mercenary minions (see below). Why does everything he does while suiting up make a dramatic noise? Does tying your shoelaces really make such an aggressive sound? And afterwards, why does he stand there for 3-5 seconds posing with all his gear? Who's he impressing?
  

• Why was there virtually no traffic in LA when Ahnuld and Rae Dawn Chong were speeding after badguy Sully? Especially in the hills where we didn't see a single vehicle other than the two involved in the chase! Oh yeah -- when the cops actually nab Ahnuld for breaking into that "weapons depot" -- not a single vehicle is seen driving down the city street other than Rae Dawn Chong's, who's assisting Ahnuld! (This was a reader suggestion.)
  
• Another reader suggestion brings up how chairs always break on people's backs, not the other way around. There wasn't such a scene in "Commando," but we do witness Ahnuld and fellow "Predator" star Bill Duke er, uh, duking it out in a motel room. The room's walls must've been made of tissue paper as at one point the struggling duo go plunging straight through 'em into the next room! (Of course, there was the obligatory couple having sex in that room, including the gratuitous boob-shot.) Oh, and how does even Ahnuld manage to get Duke airborne with a single punch? Duke's easily Ahnuld's height if not overall size.
  
• A reader suggests that good and bad guys never have to park far away in parking lots. There's always a spot right where they need it. Bad guy Sully and goodie Rae Dawn Chong both manage to score parking spots right at the entrance to the local mall. Sully actually nabs the very first spot right next to the parking garage entrance! Isn't that usually reserved for handicapped drivers?

I probably went WAY overboard on this, but such is my pre-beach sojourn Friday posting! Enjoy, natch!

"Multiple preventive steps"

Another crazy McDonalds lawsuit, this time from West Virginia:

A Monongalia County man is seeking $10 million from McDonald's after an employee put cheese on his sandwich.

Jeromy Jackson, his mother Trela Jackson and his friend Andrew Ellifritz filed a suit July 18 in Monongalia Circuit Court against the popular fast-food chain because Jeromy Jackson is allergic to cheese.

According to the suit, Jackson, his mother and friend went to the drive-thru at the McDonald's on Chaplin Road in Morgantown on Oct. 30, 2005. Jackson claims he ordered two "Quarter Pounders" without cheese, stating he was allergic to cheese.

"From this point forward, Mr. Jackson repeatedly asked as to the status of his food and whether it had no cheese, and took multiple preventive steps to assure his food did not contain cheese," the suit says.

The suit says Jackson received his food, bit into one of his sandwiches and immediately began to have a severe allergic reaction. He was rushed to United Hospital Center in Clarksburg.

I see. Was one of those "multiple preventative steps" actually LOOKING AT THE DAMN BURGERS BEFORE YOU BIT INTO THEM??

Check out the pic of the Jackson's attorney. Tim Houston: Teenaged Lawyer! I can visualize the ad now ...

(h/t: Taranto.)

Good thing he writes for a big-time newspaper!

Unfortunately Ron Williams gets grammar and spelling lessons from these peons.

Al Gore to protest History Channel

Because they dared to show the "Little Ice Age: Big Chill" documentary in the midst of all the Gore-inspired global warming hysteria. Even more heretical, they ask "Could another catastrophic cold snap strike in the 21st century?"

Whaaaat?? Don't you know there is irreversible global WARMING going on right this instant, History Channel?? (For the mentally challenged -- no, he's not REALLY protesting, OK?)

THE AL GORE BAND:
BELIEVE OR DIE
In Stores Now!

Featuring these soon-to-be hits based
on classics from those great 1980s:

• "Every Heated Breath You Take" (The Police)
  
• "[Skeptics Are] Livin' On A Prayer" (Bon Jovi)
  
• "Fast Car Emissions" (Tracy Chapman)
  
• "Where the Streets Have No Name ['Cause Everyone's Dead]" (U2)
  
• "I Can't Drive 55 In A Prius" (Sammy Hagar)
  
• "Welcome to the Dessicated Jungle" (Guns 'N Roses)
  
• "[That Factory Has An] Eternal Flame" (The Bangles)
  
• and, of course, "It's the End of the World" (R.E.M.)

Whoa, do we need to hear about their personal lives, too??

"Carper, Biden score Iraq report, Bush." -- News Journal headline circa 5pm.

Sign the petition: Help Perry get his own blog

Perpetual commenter/nouveau troll Perry (at left) needs his own blog. Now.

Why? Because Perry believes that people's blogs are his personal bulletin boards. He believes that just because [most] blogs allow comments that he is free to post whatever he wishes. He believes that people who do not accept his viewpoint and opinions are "ignorant" and "extremist." When an obvious argumentative impasse is reached on a particular topic, Perry just keeps going ... like the Energizer Bunny. He really needs to brush up on the definition of "troll."

But we at Colossus really want to help Perry. We want him to get an outlet for his oh-so self-righteous spewings. You can help the ... man ... by signing the petition. What petition? Oh, er, there isn't a formal petition to sign, so we've set up a "ghetto petition": Just write "YES!" in our very own comment section on this post!

And here's a few links to get Perry started: Blogger and WordPress.

Headline wrong, article probably accurate

The headline of this Philly Inquirer article reads "The first gunshot victim in Americas?" But when you read the actual story, what it reveals is that there has been unearthed the earliest archeological evidence of a gunshot victim: An Inca solider who was apparently slain by a Spanish soldier. That's a significant difference. For, as the story itself admits near its end, the Spanish campaign against the Inca was the second major [Spanish] campaign against a Native American civilization. About a dozen years prior, Hernán Cortés led his forces against the Aztecs of Mexico. It is highly unlikely that no Aztec was killed by a Spanish arquebus, thus, again, rendering this article's headline woefully misleading.

By the way, you just gotta love the archeologists' team leader's name: Guillermo Cock. I had to laugh when I saw his name, and not for the obvious reason. The reason is that I once sent in to Maxim magazine (for their former "Found Porn" section) a Highlights magazine-style cover I inadvertantly came across at school. Emblazoned very large (no pun intended!) on the cover was Cock's full name, and I could just imagine the reaction the magazine would get from a class full of students.

Maxim never used my submission, in case you're wondering. And, as I noted, the "Found Porn" section no longer exists in the mag, which is a shame (one of the reasons I let my subscription lapse!). BUT -- you can check out all the great archives of the former section online here! Oh, and it's not real porn -- it's all unintentional porn, which you'll see upon scoping the very first picture! Have fun.

But will increased tuition result in better spelling?

First we saw this laughable example; now it's extended to the college realm:

Thanks to loyal Colossus reader Fred Gregory for sending this along. (The photo originally appeared in the Greensboro, NC News & Record.)

Dennis Miller on Harry Reid

Miller has always been one of my favorite comedians, mainly due to his obscure similes, and this doesn't disappoint.

My favorite credit card commercial ever

Oxymoronic name?

This story details a "radical Muslim paramilitary compound" in upstate New York. The main road is even dubbed "Muslim Lane." But take a look: The place where this "compound" is located is called "Islamberg." Not "Islamburg," but "Islamberg."

What, are the dudes who run the place named Ahmed Abdul Cohen and Yassir Hussein Rosenthal?

Just a little mid-east ethnic humor is all ...

(I realized "berg" is a reference to "mountain" -- like "iceberg" -- but you get it. Right?)

They didn't pass the English portion, that's for sure

(The last two words on the closer poster are "Kids Walk.")

Students who had been planning to walk across the stage at graduation ceremonies this weekend were instead walking a picket line Thursday morning.

The Trimble Tech High School seniors marched in front of Fort Worth Independent School District headquarters to protest Wednesday's decision by trustees to bar students who failed the TAKS test from commencement exercises.

About a dozen young people, carrying signs and chanting, began picketing at 8:30 a.m. Thursday. They represent the 613 Fort Worth seniors who did not pass the Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills exam. (Link.)

'Ya think? I'd say that dimwitty wrote that sign, but I don't wanna "offend" anybody ...

(h/t: Taranto.)

Dirtiest sounding name in "Star Wars" galaxy

According to Wizard magazine readers the winner is "Probe Droid."

The only other finalist I heard of was "Count Dooku." "The Emperor's Hand," "Kin Fisto," and "The Last Handmaiden" ... whaaa? They must be from novels and/or comics. I've only seen the movies.

Stay away from this household on burrito night

"Good Morning America" highlights a family which ... doesn't use toilet paper.

Best line in response by Diane Sawyer to this freak dad's ridiculous antics: "And so good for you. Yeah. What you were saying about the way it concentrates your mind to be free of concern about a lot of the things in your life. It really makes sense to me."

Only in the mind of a pampered, elitist multi-millionaire newscaster who REALLY thinks this guy is a complete lunatic, but has to show that she's "environmentally hip."

Guess this family wouldn't even bother with this "great deal":

Not only is she a babe ...

... she knows common sense. Maria Conchita Alonso, Cuban-born singer/actress but raised in Venezuela (wonder if she is a fan of this group, natch?), spoke at the Latino Coalition in Washington ahead of Rudy Giuliani the other night.

She began by pointing out she deliberately wore red, and that the color and May Day were meant to be a celebration for workers, not for the Communist party. "We cannot let terrorists dictate our lives, so why acknowledge their claims and allow them to own a color red for a day? I wear red not in solidarity, but in protest of them!"

Then Alonso ripped into Castro and Chavez with a rare combination of ferocity and wit. She told of leaving Cuba as a child with her family to start a new life in Venzuela, with her mother hiding money, jewelry, and even the family dog on the way out of the country. As Latino Coalition President Robert de Posada noted, "She lost her first home country to communism, and she refuses to let it happen again."

"Even as a teenager, I wondered why John Lennon wore Mao jacket," she said, lamenting that Che is a popular t-shirt icon today. She suggested it was a triumph of appearance over substance: "If this man looked like Al Bundy [from the old Fox sitcom Married With Children], would teenage girls still be wearing his t-shirt?"

"When celebrities visit Castro and do not speak out, he gains a great propaganda advantage," she said. "I wonder if anyone told Robert Reford, "your films are all heavily edited on Cuban television.' And we know all directors like to have the last cut."

When a heckler stood up to contend that Chavez had been good for the poor of Venezuela, Alonso noted that the heckler enjoys rights to interrupt and speak freely here in America that she would not under Chavez's rule.

Referring to the former President's thumbs-up regarding the last "election," she declared, "Jimmy Carter, who I respect, should stick to counting peanuts, not votes."

Conchita-Alonso will be starring in an anti-Hugo Chávez movie titled "Two Minutes of Hate." In it, she actually plays a Chavista -- or Chávez supporter. The film's producer said "the concept is that 'Venezuela is the Titanic, Chavez is the captain,' " and that "Alonso's character is in love with an anti-Chavez professor who in the semi-fictional account is among those shot and killed in 2002."

You can't get a more common sensical talk. She's absolutely correct in her reply to that heckler -- how is "being good for the poor" a beneficient trade-off when you can no longer protest or speak freely? And John Lennon and Robert Redford -- I wonder if those two pop icons actually believe(d) they could have amassed their fame and fortunes under Mao ... or Castro. If they do (did), they're either lying or totally delusional. That's why neither of them (as well as many other limousine libs) ever actually MOVE to these socialist "paradises."

From what I understand, Lennon did consider moving to Mao's China, and he wanted to change the titles of some of his Beatles hits. Here are some of his proposed changes:

• "All You Need Is Socialism."
• "A Hard Day's Night (In the Gulag)."
• "Imperialist/Capitalist in the Sky With Diamonds."
• "Back in the Boxer Rebellion."
• "Can't Buy Me Love (Since Money is the Tool of Imperialists)."
• "Please Mr. Postman, Don't Tell the Secret Police."
• "Eleanor Chang."
• "Got to Get You Into My Commune."
• "Rice Fields Forever."
• "Hey Mao."
• "Till There Was Mao."

And, of course, "Revolution" and "Yellow Submarine" didn't really need any title changes!

Likewise, Robert Redford considered changing the titles of some of his films to suit the Cuban Revolution. Here were some of his proposals:

• "Out of Cuba."
• "Legal Macaws."
• "All the Dictator's Men."
• "The Way the Revolutionaries Were."
• "The [Lone Party] Candidate."
• "Butch Cassidy and the Guevara Kid."

Delaware Bloggers back ... with a vengeance

Blogging historians may remember the old "Blogolution" site. One of the first Delaware-centric blogs, it started in 2003, its authors were featured (or at least passingly mentioned) in such esteemed publications as The Washington Post and ... Delaware Today. Never a particularly leveraging seller in the marketplace of ideas, whenever you needed to be informed about the important issues of the day, Blogolution was there with a cheap joke. It closed shop back in 2005.

I recently corresponded with Blogolution's founders, Ken and Steve, and they're talking about relaunching the site. They said they're burnt out on traditional blogging, so they're thinking about focusing on their own political comic strips. Steve's drawing, Ken's scripting.

Here's a sample, used with permission, of course. The duo are aware that the actual layout still needs some image tweaking, but they request that you leave your thoughts/comments in the comments section here. Thanks!

But before he died, Jackson and Sharpton demanded an apology for his name

His name, after all was Don Ho.

What was that about "alarmism"?

A correction from USA Today:

Monday's editorial debate on the environment should have been clearer about the length of time plastic grocery bags take to decompose. According to the Environmental Protection Agency, it "can take" 1,000 years, unless the bags are properly recycled. The editorial implied it always takes that long. Sometimes decomposition occurs in less than 10 years.

After all, y'know, ten ... a thousand ... what's the difference?

Most hilarious "Trek" SNL skit ever

1986's "Restaurant Enterprise." Dana Carvey's "Khan" is an absolute knee-slapper. (Ignore the first few seconds -- it's from a previous skit on the recording):

Top 15 Unintentionally Funny Comic Book Panels

All of these royally bagged me up. My personal favorite (though they're all hilarious):

Thanks to Soccer Dad for the tip!

Wouldn't 'ya just know it??

Bill Clinton: General Pace owes apology to adulterers.

President Clinton, who served as Commander in Chief for two tours of duty, instituted the military policy called ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ which officially allows homosexuals to serve in the armed forces as long as they lie about their behavior and don’t get caught in the act.

“Gen. Pace’s antiquated ideas could have a chilling effect on military recruiting,” said Mr. Clinton. “In addition, there’s a real risk that the general has hurt the feelings many who love this country and are willing to fight for our freedom to have intimate relations without so-called moral boundaries.”

Mr. Clinton noted that if the nation had Gen. Pace’s attitude toward adultery just a few years ago, “we would have lost the valiant service of one of history’s greatest commanders in chief.”

“The military desperately needs brave men and women with the character, integrity and dignity that their colleagues can count on in times of war,” said Mr. Clinton, “But Gen. Pace essentially hung out a sign that says, ‘adulterers, homosexuals and liars need not apply.’”

He urged the general to “count the cost of his narrow views.”

H/t to Soccer Dad. See also yesterday's post.

Good thing they're now in charge. They have a plan. I think. Maybe.

Nancy Pelosi and David Obey explain the Democratic plan for Iraq:

(h/t: Red State.)

Laugh of the Day

Title of a recent Delaware Liberal post by "Dr. Nick": John Still is a Republican. I think that sums it up.

ROTFLMAO!! He actually said "I think"!! Talk about your ever-lovin' self delusion!

Runner-up: The new owner of Air America (perpetual NYC politico Mark Green) says that the radio network went bankrupt because it was ... "too even-handed."

Yeah, sure. Air America makes Rush Limbaugh seem like the epitomy of bipartisanship!

"Professor" Craig T. Furlong is probably onboard with this

Remember this "professor" who thought it prudent to comment here? Well, the nut is probably onboard with this, too:

1) Why were a handful of rebel fighters able to penetrate the defenses of a battle station that had the capability of destroying an entire planet and the defenses to ward off several fleets of battle ships?

2) Why did Grand Moff Tarkin refuse to deploy the station’s large fleet of TIE Fighters until it was too late? Was he acting on orders from somebody to not shoot down the rebel attack force? If so, who, and why?

3) Why was the rebel pilot who supposedly destroyed the Death Star reported to be on the Death Star days, maybe hours, prior to its destruction? Why was he allowed to escape, and why were several individuals dressed in Stormtrooper uniforms seen helping him?

4) Why has there not been an investigation into allegations that Darth Vader, the second-ranking member of the Imperial Government, is in fact the father of the pilot who allegedly destroyed the Death Star?

5) Why did Lord Vader decide to break all protocols and personally pilot a lightly armored TIE Fighter? Conveniently, this placed Lord Vader outside of the Death Star when it was destroyed, where he was also conveniently able to escape from a large-sized rebel fleet that had just routed the Imperial forces. Why would Lord Vader, one of the highest ranking members of the Imperial Government, suddenly decide to fly away from the Death Star in the middle of a battle? Did he know something that the rest of the Imperial Navy didn’t?

There's more, so if you're a scifi fan (especially "Star Wars," natch) be sure to check 'em out.

Movie head scratcher line

I've always loved this line from the unintentionally funny Ah-nuld action film "Commando." Near the beginning when Ah-nuld's C.O. pops in via helicopter to warn the Austrian that some baddies are after him, he says,

"You've made enemies all over the worid. It could have been the Syrians, the South Americans, the Russians, or a terrorist group. They'll find you."

Yeah -- it could be those dastardly South Americans! What, is the whole friggin' continent after him?? I mean, no narrowing it down, huh? Not the Colombians, or perhaps Peru's Shining Path ... no, maybe it's some black ops gauchos from the Argentinian pampas ...!

I know it's pretty easy to pick on "Commando." After all, just check out all these goofs and gaffes the flick had.

Don't know what to think of this

This site has the potential to be hilarious; then again, who wants to give that much "free advertising" to someone who forms a coherent argument less than 5% of the time?

That, and "fish in a barrel" comes to mind ...

Ah, the irony

"Biden to make it official on Comedy Central" is a headline in today's News Journal. You gotta love the irony, eh, especially given what Biden said today about Democratic challenger Barack Obama:

"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man."

How culturally clueless is Biden, anyway? Calling a black person "articulate" has been parodied ad nauseum by comedians like Dave Chappelle for years now. But Biden has to go a step further, and infer that "mainstream" African-Americans before Obama were not intelligent and ... clean?? And what does Biden think of "non-mainstream" blacks (whatever a "non-mainstream" black person is)?

I can hear Biden's "explanation" for this whopper now: "I have a lot of black friends* and they know I don't have a racist bone in my body ...!"

Meanwhile, we at Colossus have gotten an advanced copy of the beginning of Biden's announcement speech, written by Biden himself -- a complete original job:

My fellow Americans, I have a dream, that one day the only thing we'll have to fear is fear itself. I'd like Americans to ask not what their country can do for them, but what they can do for their country ...

Neil Kinnock wasn't available for comment on the speech.

(* Another favorite white person phrase that rivals the word "articulate" for most unintentionally insulting vocabulary used towards blacks.)

War protests redux

Go Pundit Go has the hilarious videos here and here (warning: big-time profanity in this video), but not from yesterday in Washington. These are from protests in San Diego two weeks prior.

Isn't that unsatisfying for both men and women??

From the United for Peace website:

10am: Women Say Pull Out! Women's Convergence for DC Mobilization Join Jane Fonda, Susan Sarandon, Congresswomen Maxine Waters and Lynn Woolsey, Rhea Perlman, Eve Ensler, Mimi Kennedy, Q'orianka Kilcher, the Co-founders of CODEPINK and many other amazing women. Other co-sponsors include: National Organization for Women, V-Day, WAND, Feminist Majority, Feminist Peace Network and WATER. Don't forget your PINK!

Where: Navy Memorial, 7th and Pennsylvania NW
When: Saturday, January 27, 2007 at 10am
We will rally at 10am then meet up with the UFPJ rally and march!

Oh wait, I get it -- out of Iraq, you mean!!

(h/t: Malkin.)

He also set a world record for biggest hemmorhoid

Man rides stationary bike for 85 hours, sets world record.

New Year's predictions and resolutions

Some predictions/resolutions ... some tongue-in-cheek, some not:

Prediction: The US will still be in Iraq at the end of 2007 (Gee, that's a tough one!)
Resolution: To still think the whole undertaking was a dumb idea.

Prediction: Jason at DE Liberal will still host Delaware's version of the Democratic Underground.
Resolution: I resolve to call Jason out on that as much as possible.

Prediction: Gerry Fulcher's show will tank in the WDEL ratings, but they'll still let him on the air.
Resolution: To keep laughing at Ger's asshattery.

Prediction: The News Journal will continue to lose readership as it fails to adjust to the New Media and doesn't cease insulting its readers' intelligence.
Resolution: To laugh at this predicament, too!

Prediction: The St. Louis Rams will improve on this season's 8-8 record and make the NFL playoffs.
Resolution: I will root for them en puta, natch!

Prediction: House Democrats won't be able to control themselves and will begin impeachment hearings against Pres. Bush.
Resolution: Giggle as these Dems blow their chances for the 2008 presidency.

Prediction: My cholesterol rate will diminish.
Resolution: Because I will eat a better diet.

Prediction: The Fantastic Four 2 and Spider-Man 3 movies will both rock.
Resolution: To see each of these, possibly twice.

Prediction: Nancy Pelosi's claim that the incoming House will be the "most ethical ever" will turn out to be a sad joke.
Resolution: To keep pointing out this easy-to-note factoid.

Kirbycise!

With kudos to Jonah Goldberg, he points us to a blogger who hilariously highlights some of comics master Jack Kirby's classic character poses -- just in time to work off all that holiday "cheer."

Without consulting any of my collection ... going purely by memory ... watch me prove my geekness by ID'ing all but one of the characters:

1) Ikarus of the Eternals,
2) no friggin' idea,
3) Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic,
4) The Scarlet Witch,
5) The Executioner,
6) Galactus,
7) Baron Zemo,
8) The Watcher,
9) Attuma,
10) some unknown civilian (seriously),
11) The Human Torch,
12) The Enchantress,
13) The Thing.

College Newspaper Nonsense

After over a month's hiatus, Campus News Confab is back with a vengeance -- four new hilarious posts about the inanity of diversity-think at American universities. Check 'em out.

News Journal wins runner-up honors

... for "Best [Newspaper] Correction of the Year" from Regret the Error. Here's the story/correction (from an Oct. 17 edition of the WNJ):

An article in Sunday's Local section on the estate sale of former Gov. Elbert Carvel quoted Olin Vanaman of Wilmington about his excitement in purchasing 35 of the governor's decanters during the auction, including one used at Queen Elizabeth's coronation. Vanaman said he used a slang term when describing Carvel as "a big boozer," but he did not mean that the former governor was a heavy drinker. Vanaman refers to people who collect decanters as "boozers," he explained, "the same as guys who collect cars are gear-heads." No reference to drinking or the consumption of alcohol was intended in the article.

I wonder if anyone's ever referred to a retired dishwasher as a "big pot head."

Wha-a-a-a-at???

Check out this bull-excrement (h/t to Wicked Thoughts):

The next time you're stacking a pastrami hero, better make sure McDonald's isn't watching - they're trying to claim rights on how to make a sandwich.

McDonald's filed a staggering 55-page patent application in Europe and the United States claiming "intellectual property rights" on how to slap together a deli sandwich.

The legal brief rambles on about the "simultaneous toasting of a bread component" and inserting condiments into the works with a "sandwich delivery tool." (Source.)

Thankfully (I think), Lawrence Smith-Higgins of the British Patent Office explains "McDonald's or anyone else cannot get retrospective exclusive rights to making a sandwich." You'd think McD's lawyers would realize this. But, to coin a cliché, stranger things have happened, eh?

If McD's somehow pulls this off, check what'll follow:

• Baskin Robbins will file a patent on "how to scoop ice cream properly."
• Jiffy Lube will ask for exclusive rights on the "correct method of changing a car's oil."
• Acme Markets will file suit for the intellectual property of the "appropriate method of bagging groceries."
• Delmarva Power will apply for a patent on the "manufacture of lightning." A spokesman for the co. will state "Sure lightning is a natural phenomenon ... but it is our view that Delmarva harnesses this event better than anyone else."

UPDATE (Dec. 5 at 6:53pm): Jeff the Baptist has done a "quick read" of the patent and says I'm (the sources are, actually) overreacting. He's probably right.

Who's with me?

Who else has had just about enough of those colon-cleanser infomercials???

Harry Reid: Comics fan or spelling dunce

Being a comics fan, this cracked me up (via James Taranto):

From a press release issued by the soon-to-be Senate majority leader:

Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid today released the following statement on the groundbreaking of the Martin Luthor King Jr. National Memorial.

Taranto goes on to comment:

Martin "Luthor" King? Is he any relation to Lex?

OK, normally we wouldn't make a silly spelling error our top item. But remember, Harry Reid is the same guy who, a couple of years ago, went out of his way to disparage the intellect of the Supreme Court's only black justice.

Limbaugh, Fox News are liberal

... so says the perpetually rib-tickling Hatemongers Quarterly. But how can this be, you ask? Check it:

Everyone’s seen the [Eric Alterman] arguments: The New York Times is right-wing; NBC, ABC, and CBS are arch-conservative outlets; The Washington Post is crypto-fascist; &c. These are just a few of the countless examples of what we’ve taken to calling “The Eric Alterman Proposition.”

Mr. Alterman has made something of a name for himself by excoriating the mainstream media for its sickening conservative bias. If Mr. Alterman's palaver weren’t taken so seriously, it would actually serve as an interesting experiment: How unhinged from reality does an argument have to get before our “progressive” pals won’t believe it any longer?

So, the HMQ has its own "philosophy": "The Crack Young Staff Proposition." It says:

... our moronic contention is this: All so-called “conservative” media—right-wing talk radio; conservative “weblogs”; Fox News—are actually fountains of paleo-liberalism. Rush Limbaugh? He’s a Communist. Brit Hume? That sickening Trotskyite. Ann Coulter? Well, she’s a liberal and guilty of treason in our book. Q.E.D.

Useless WNJ headline of the week

Lieberthal undergoes abdominal surgery -- Phillies catcher will need 6-10 weeks to recover. (Link.)

Hmm. Maybe the fact that he had surgery is worth some news (even though he sucks). But at this point, who the hell cares how long it'll take for him to recover -- especially since the 6-10 weeks will leave him plenty of time to get ready for spring training next year!! (Translation: the Phils' season is OVER so the time-frame for recovery is totally IRRELEVANT.)

You mean it's not Abe Lincoln?

Lack of American history education shows through at Target.

(h/t: The Corner.)

Battling bumper stickers

Humorous e-mail sent to Jay Nordlinger:

I recently saw a car (Honda Civic), the back of which was plastered with liberal bumper stickers, including these two beauties: Meat Is Murder and Pro-Child/Pro-Family/Pro-Choice.

I was disgusted. I’d love to respond with a pair that said: Abortion Is Murder and Steak or Chicken — That’s a Choice.

I’d probably get my windows knocked out.

Most likely, yeah.

Philly Inquirer priorities

Michael Vitez at the Philadelphia Inquirer (screen capture here) has his hand on pampered popular culture:

Despite the heat outside, are you freezing because of overblown A/C at work? E-mail your story to Inquirer reporter Michael Vitez at mvitez@phillynews.com

Yes yes, please e-mail Michael about this most pressing summertime concern so he can offer scintillating advice like "Have you thought about taking a sweater with you to the office?"

Shameless act of imitation

Probably my favorite segment of James Taranto's "Best of the Web" site is the snarky comments for silly or "No, Duh" types of headlines. I've occasionally dibbled with such headlines in the past myself, but now I'd like to make it a regular weekly feature, not unlike the [more irregular] "Dopey WNJ Letter of the Week." Here's our first installment:

You don't say! -- "Prices at gas pumps soaring."

We've finally solved the riddle of multiple dimensions: "Fund to Soften Harsh Realities."

Guess this explains why my wife and I have [only] a girl, natch! -- "Pretty parents likely to have girl first."

It's called "Apocalypse Charter School" -- "UA charter school to host survival camp on Saturday."

No jury room must have been available: "Woman found guilty of capital murder in freezer case."

He was always bustin' on everybody: "Rankin supervisor dies."

But, I thought he was our state's lone congressman! -- "Castle keeps Circuit Court clerk."

What is this, illegal organ harvesting? -- "Girls fine, nerves belong to families."

What the hell else is new? -- "Lawyer wants share of fees."

Good point

David Frum (via Instapundit):

If a drunken Mel Gibson did indeed call out, "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," then there can be only one possible place for a man who believes such things: as the next Secretary General of the United Nations.

21st century journalism in the 20th century

This cracked me up. (That has to be Christiane Amanpour.)

Don't take political science at this college

Davidson College, that is, in Davidson, North Carolina. Why? 'Cause they have on staff one Dr. Susan Roberts -- a political science professor -- who offered up a whopper in a recent op-ed on the proposed Flag Burning Amendment:

Flag burning was thrust into the public eye following an arrest of a young man during the 1984 Republican National Convention in Dallas. The man identified himself as a member of a group calling itself the Revolutionary Youth Brigade. He was charged with a violation of the Texas Desecration of Venerated Objects statute.

In 1989 the U.S. Supreme Court affirmed an appellate court decision that the man was within his First Amendment rights. Wasting no time, Congress passed the Flag Protection Act just months after the ruling. Wasting no time, the Supreme Court ruled that the Flag Protection Act was inconsistent with First Amendment freedoms and thus unconstitutional.

It seems unlikely that the Supreme Court would now uphold an amendment prohibiting flag burning, even with the change in the court's composition.

Hey prof -- as any fairly studious middle-schooler should be able to tell you, the reason WHY Congress is attempting to pass an amendment is to make the Supreme Court's opinion irrelevant on the matter. It's called "checks and balances." You recall that in your teaching, right? Right? Hello?

Maybe not. Maybe that basic knowledge got lost in that neatly titled course of yours, "The Politics of Feminism."

(h/t: Taranto.)

That Afghan "dream vacation"

Cliff May dissects what appears to be the New York Times' latest campaign -- the closing of Gitmo:

The New York Times is campaigning to shut down Gitmo, the facility housing enemy combatants at Guantanamo Bay.

Their primary talking point is that the prisoners there suffer “despair.� An editorial on Monday spoke of a “netherworld of despair.� Human Rights Watch has chimed in with “incredible despair�. And this morning the Times runs an op-ed headlined “Detainees in Despair� written by someone who has been released from Gitmo.

It contains this line: “I made the mistake of listening to my older brother and going to Afghanistan on what I thought was a dream vacation.�

Somehow, he acknowledges, he ended up in an al-Qaeda training camp.

Don’t you hate when that happens? You consult your travel agent, you read your Fodor’s and the Times travel section and you think you’re on your way to Club Med Kandahar but instead of playing tennis and windsurfing you end up firing Kalashnikovs and assembling I.E.D.s. It could happen to anyone.

Well, geez, Cliff -- when I went to Costa Rica to study in 1986 I "somehow" ended up in a Contra training camp, and in no time I was ready to take on the Nicaraguan Sandinistas!

Newdow's new album

UPDATE (10:27am): Welcome, The Corner readers!

As we showed yesterday, atheist extraordinaire Michael Newdow is a musician! And, we were fortunate to get a glimpse of his new album:

Apparently, this disc is chock full of 80s cover songs as evidenced by the track listing:

1. "Save a Prayer (Until I Sue Your Ass)" (Duran Duran)
2. "Livin' on a Prayer (But Not in America)" (Bon Jovi)
3. "Papa Don't Preach on Public Property" (Madonna)
4. "Addicted to Lawsuits" (Robert Palmer)
5. "Church of the Litigant's Mind" (Culture Club)
6. "Do They Know It's Christmas? (They Won't After I'm Done)" (Band Aid)
7. "(Futile) Faith" (George Michael)
8. "Heaven is a Place on Earth (Not if I Can Help it)" Belinda Carlisle
9. "Promised You a Miracle (And You Fell for It)" (Simple Minds)
10. "Sister Non-Denomination" (Night Ranger)

Not bad for a dead, disgraced former president who resigned!

"Nixon's 3-run homer lifts BoSox into first." (Link.)

The top headline at MSNBC right now

Lingerie found at site of al-Zarqawi airstrike.

Yep. That's it. No kidding.

Here's a screen capture to prove it, 'cause the MSNBC main page is sure to change throughout the day:

The article gives scant mention of the headline in the article:

HIBHIB, Iraq - The ruins of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi’s house are strewn with a random jumble of wreckage -- magazines, a leopard-print nightgown, a religious slogan and a few hints at the violent career of Iraq’s most wanted man.

Further down in the story we read "other women’s clothes" were found in the rubble, but that's it. Talk about your ever-lovin' teaser, huh? Or, is MSNBC ignoring a possible scoop -- "Abu Musab al-Zarqawi: Cross dresser?"

You don't say!

The "No S*** Sherlock" Award for concise reporting goes to the News Journal this weekend for this revealing line: "Sen. Tom Carper received his party's backing."

How do they do it over there in New Castle, eh?

Top 11 Things That Anti-War Protesters Would Have Said At the Normandy Invasion on D-Day (Had There Been Anti-War Protesters At Normandy)

These are priceless -- via the Nihilist in Golf Pants:

11. No blood for French Wine!

10. It’s been two and a half years since Pearl Harbor and they still haven’t brought Admiral Nagumo to justice.

9. In 62 years, the date will be 6/6/6. A coincidence? I think not.

8. All this death and destruction is because the neo-cons are in the pocket of Israel.

7. The soldiers are still on the beach, this invasion is a quagmire.

6. Sure the Holocaust is evil, but so was slavery.

5. We are attacked by Japan and then attack France? Roosevelt is worse than the Kaiser!

4. Why bring democracy to Europe by force and not to Korea or Vietnam? I blame racism.

3. This war doesn’t attack the root causes of Nazism.

2. I support the troops, but invading Germany does not guarantee that in 56 years we won't have a President who's worse than Hitler.

1. I don't see Roosevelt or Churchill storming the beaches -- they're Chicken Hawks.

101 Ways to Experience Diversity

Oh to be a prof at Elizabethtown College. Last fall, profs received a "101 Ways to Experience Diversity" list in their mailboxes. The list supposedly originated from Minnesota State University, although a representative of that school cannot verify it. Included in the 101 items are "holding hands with someone of the same sex in public" and "telling someone you are a homosexual." Amazingly, Elizabethtown rejected the list.

Here are some more of the "interesting" items of that 101:

• Demand a diverse faculty. (Isn't David Horowitz doing just that?)
• Work in the fields with migrant workers. (As opposed to working with them -- what we're led to believe are Hispanics -- in some OTHER context. Hear hear for stereotypes!)
• Be a part of the solution. (Of WHAT? One person's "solution" is another's problem.)
• Dream. (This is a physiological mandate. Oh, you mean FIGURATIVELY? See above.)
• Go to an Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting. (Terrific. Now "diverse" includes alcoholics.)
• Go to a “Gay Barâ€� or similar establishment. (Indeed! To hell with trying to pick up chicks -- I've had it with being shot down! Here I come .... GUYS!)
• Move to an area that is poor. (Yeah -- I'll sell my HOUSE in a comfortable middle-class neighborhood just to ... experience diversity.)
• Shop in a predominately Spanish speaking area. (Just don't ask for assistance of any kind, especially since it's highly likely you won't be able to get any. "Hola, uh, poder help me ...?")
• Enroll in a historically black college or university. (Hey -- ever wonder that HBCs are NOT diverse? How's that for irony?)
• Take a Women Studies course. (Only if I want to lose my sanity.)
• Watch a Spike Lee movie. (WTF???)
• Let down your defenses. (Again, WTF??)
• Use reverse pronouns. (Sorry, I have this knack for wanting to be grammatically correct.)
• Vote. (How in the hell does this make you experience diversity??)
• Talk to a homeless person. (Only if you guarantee they aren't drunk or on drugs, fair enough?)
• Fast on the Jewish Holidays. (Why? I'm not Jewish and I like to eat. How 'bout if I just read about Yom Kippur and the like?)
• Join the Peace Corps. (This is like "Moving to a poor area." Isn't joining the Peace Corps a little drastic just to "experience" diversity??)
• Learn about the “model minorityâ€� myth. (Since there's ample evidence it ain't really a myth, maybe those calling it a "myth" aren't quite as "diverse" as they want YOU to become!)
• Join a Diversity Theatre Troupe. (What if I can't act?)
• Eat at an ethnic restaurant. (If I ask about Taco Bell or KFC, is that "culturally insensitive"?)

And, lastly, this one unintentionally sums this hilarity up perfectly (and it's an actual idea -- just scroll towards the end of the list):

• Get a job.

Indeed!

(h/t: Phi Beta Cons.)

The Aragorn Defense

OK, the list of things that sets me off about Enron and Ken Lay just grew longer today.

The list starts with Enron getting $1.1 billion dollars in tax payer funded loans from the executive branch under Bill Clinton, then there's Enron being implicated by Human Rights Watch in the beatings of villagers in Dabhol, India in 1997, and Ken Lay donating obscene amounts of money to the Bush campaign in 2000 then being named to GW's transitional team, and then there's Ken Lay sitting on the Board of Trustees for the Heinz Center, an environmental group founded by Teresa Heinz, for a decade that ended a few months before John Kerry announced his intentions to run for President and 2 years AFTER the Enron scandal broke, and you can't forget fraud on the scale of fabricating an elaborate trading floor in their headquarters in Houston to fool stock analysts, or crushing any hope of stock market stability in the months following September 11th by restating their earnings back to 1997 and declaring bankruptcy. My eye is twitching just thinking back on all of that stuff.

Today, I added this to the list: The Lay/Skilling defense team was brazen enough to steal part of Aragorn's speech from the final battle scene of "Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King," for their closing arguments. Here is the offending line from defense team member Mike Ramsey:

"There may be a court in America that bends to political pressure but it's not this court! There may come a day when an American jury yields to a media mob, but it's not this day!", Ramsey stated loudly and emphatically.

Compare that to what Aragorn said to his men before the final battle for Middle Earth when his men were outnumbered by the thousands and awaiting certain death:

A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down, but it is not this day!

A rousing speech like that has to come from a battle-hardened, swarthy, man with the wind blowing through his hair and not a manicured, corporate lawyer geek like Mike Ramsey. Ramsey would be lucky to pull off a few lines from a minor Hobbit character or maybe an orc, but Aragorn, the King of Men? No way. Guilty on all counts.

A.D.D. in sports

I was fascinated by a recent MSNBC article about Atlanta Braves First Baseman Adam LaRouche. The title is "Blunder by Brave puts spotlight on ADD."

On Sunday, after scooping up a routine grounder that should have been the third out of the inning, LaRoche took his time getting to first and was stunningly beaten to the bag by Washington's Nick Johnson, who was hustling all the way.

The error allowed the Nationals to score four unearned runs on their way to an 8-1 victory, and led to LaRoche being benched for Monday night's game against Florida.

Not surprisingly, LaRouche was booed and hissed by the Atlanta faithful. These uncomprehending fools! Don't they know LaRouche has ADD -- Attention Deficit Disorder?? That's right -- a major league baseball player has what has to be the most commonly prescribed "disability" in the United States. Yes, you heard correct -- not being able to adequately pay attention is a "disability" according to the federal government. In [public] schools, ADD is "accommodated" usually by what is known as a "504" -- the nickname for section 504 of the 1973 Americans With Disabilities Act. Here's who's "protected" by section 504:

Any person who (1) has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities, (2) has a record of such an impairment, or (3) is regarded as having such an impairment. Major life activities include walking, seeing, hearing, speaking, breathing, learning, working, caring for oneself, and performing manual tasks.

In schools, it is the "learning" portion (obviously) that is used by people (usually parents) to obtain "accommodations" for their children within regular classrooms. These can range from very simple things such as the teacher making sure the kid has his assignments written down in a planner, to allowing use of a tape recorder in class, to mandating the teacher provide a typed study guide a certain amount of days before an exam. As you might imagine, 504 (and the ADA in general) has been abused by those who attempt to seek an "advantage," or, at least, an "excuse." For example, check out Michael Scott Moore's Salon article titled "Buying Time: Disability becomes fashionable among the prep-school set when it equals extra time on the SAT." The gist of it is, how "savvy parents find a psychologist willing to make a diagnosis based on small or nonexistent quirks in their child's testing habits."

I know quite a few teachers and have heard numerous "spooky" 504 anecdotes. Basically, they're things ranging from "Does this kid really have a 'disability?'" to an insane amount of "accommodation" required for a single child -- this, for a teacher that has a total load of over, say, 150 children per day. And, it seems that every year, the ADA and 504 accommodates more and more "disabilities." How far can it go? It is a shame that some (many?) use the ADA and 504 for an advantage, especially when there are many legitimate instances of the usual disorder (ADD).

Of course, I want to make it clear that people with legitimate disabilities should be entitled to whatever the law allows. I in no way mean to belittle the true intention of the ADA, 504, nor even Attention Deficit Disorder in general. Just the abuse and ever-expansion of its definitions.

In our overly litigious society, is it beyond the realm of reason to imagine that even venues such as Major League Baseball will one day have to "accommodate" people like Adam LaRouche? Imagine. Hmm. Let's do some imagining on how the ADA and 504 might one day be woven into the sporting world ...

• News Story: Atlanta Braves First Baseman Adam LaRouche's Attention Deficit Disorder was ruled culpable for LaRouche's seeming lethargy in not beating the Washington Nationals' Nick Johnson to the bag for an apparent routine force out. As a result, under section 504 of the Americans with Disabilities Act, Johnson was subsequently ruled "out" after a conference of the umpire crew and a pitcher's mound conference review of LaRouche's accommodation plan. Nationals manager Frank Robinson was livid at the ruling and was thrown out of the game after yelling at umpire Bob Davidison. About 10-20 disability advocates protested Robinson outside his home the next day calling him "insensitive."

• News Story: Philadelphia Eagles running back Biff McBlow, in a controversial referee decision, was awarded a touchdown in the Eagles' division game against rival Dallas Cowboys this past Sunday. McBlow, who has ADD and an NFL accommodation plan, claimed that, after he was leveled by Dallas linebacker Al Singleton at the one yard line, he "would have been able to get across the goal line if his mind hadn't wandered." After an instant replay review appeared to show hesitation on McBlow's part, and the subsequent review of his accommodation plan, the referees gave the Eagles a touchdown. The Eagles won the game, 24-17. "This is f***ing ludicrous," yelled Cowboys coach Bill Parcells. "The decision by the NFL to allow accommodation plans for players with ADD is way worse than our decision to hire Terrell Owens. I think it's definitely time for me to retire. For good."

• News Story: In World Cup action yesterday, the U.S. national team protested the goal by the Czech team's Pavel Nedved in the 78th minute which lifted the Czechs over the Americans, 2-1. U.S. coach Bruce Arenas showed FIFA officials the 504 accommodation plan for U.S. goalie Steve Scrub right after the apparent winning goal, and the world soccer governing body is investigating it. "The United States team has to realize that the Americans with Disabilities Act is a United States law, not an international one," said FIFA president Joseph S. Blatter. "Coach Arenas' and the U.S. team's claim is that [goalie] Scrub's 504 plan allows 'extra time for him to stop an opponent's shot into his goal.' We are trying to get a more definitive idea of what 'extra time' means as well as whether U.S. law even applies here."

• News Story: Boston Celtics center Michael Lumppkin became the "center" of controversy when he went to officials following Steve Nash's winning shot in the Phoenix-Boston game last night. Lumppkin and coach "Doc" Rivers immediately called over game officials after Nash's winning field goal, and showed them papers. The papers apparently demonstrate how Lumppkin has a 504 accommodation plan which, among other things, "allows him to be coach-directed when he's distracted." Lumppkin suffers from ADD, or Attention Deficit Disorder. Since Rivers was yelling at two other team members to prepare for a potential rebound, Lumppkin and Rivers argued that the latter was "unable to direct Lumppkin to jump up and block Nash's shot." Rivers argued that given the proximity of Lumppkin to Nash, there "is an extremely high probability that Lumppkin (who stands at 6'10") would have blocked the shot." Rivers and the Celtics wanted Nash's jumper to be disallowed, giving them the victory. Game officials left the game stand as completed (Nash's shot counting), but they said they may have to bring the two teams back together to play the last twelve seconds of the game if a judge decides in the Celtics' favor. A hearing is scheduled for Friday.

(Thanks to Hube for the writing assist!)

File Under: I Have No Life

Michael Cohn was miffed last Mother's Day when he was denied a red tote bag at an Angels game. "Cohn's class-action claim in Orange County Superior Court alleges that thousands of males and fans under 18 were 'treated unequally' at a 'Family Sunday' promotion last May and are entitled to $4,000 each in damages."

Angel officials said Cohn's was the only complaint about the giveaway.

This year's Family Sunday promotion, to be held this weekend, will not specifically cater to women 18 and older. The first 25,000 fans — male or female — 18 or older will be given a red "Mother's Day Ladies Tote Bag."
[Cohn attorney Alfred] Rava said the giveaway still violated some fans' civil rights because those under 18 will be denied a bag based on their age.

The next great civil rights battle: baseball stadium giveaways.

Cohn, who's a psychologist, apparently wasn't satisfied by the four tote bags the Angels sent him after he sent his complaint.

My advice to Cohn: lay down in your own couch, fella.

(h/t: Patterico.)

Bizarre baseball woes

Via Sporlitics: "Best" Baseball Injuries Ever.

'Ya gotta love sports folk. Check out these:

#1. John Smoltz (Braves): Scolds himself with an iron -- by ironing his shirt while he's still wearing it!
#3. Wade Boggs (Red Sox): Strains his back by putting on ... cowboy boots!
#4. Sammy Sosa (Cubs): Misses game due to back spasms brought on by ... sneezing!
#5. Adam Eaton (Padres): Stabs himself with a knife while trying to open a DVD! (I actually sympathize with this one -- ever try to get that friggin' plastic off??)
#6. Bret Barberie (Marlins): Missed a game due to inadvertantly rubbing chili juice in his eyes.