December 02, 2012

Hube's Movie Lemon of the Week

First, I admit I dig it for the sheer unbridled fun and patriotism, but anyone with a dose of moderate reality has to admit that the original Red Dawn (1984) is an unadulterated piece of excrement. And it starts right from the very beginning (literally) with what we have to accept before the attack begins:

I get it. So they want our wheat. Of course, if it's irradiated ...

So, with obvious unrest in its own country and its satellite puppet states, the USSR still manages enough influence and power to stage the greatest invasion ever conceived ...

Yep, influence and power enough so that its puppet states in our own hemisphere (y'know, the latter of which had to fight to a years-long civil war because we backed its insurgents which eventually forced the commies there to negotiate a peace, and hence were then ousted from power) can manage this strong of an army (even though they apparently can't be fed adequately).

Man! That chaos-erupting Soviet Union has an incredible degree of influence! Despite food riots at home and within its puppet states (which in any REAL situation would pose a threat to neighboring countries as well) the West Germans proceed to freely elect a cadre of left-wing kooks which want to do precisely what the Russians have wanted since almost the end of WWII: get rid of all Western European nuclear weapons. Somehow, this is more important to the Germans than, y'know, maintaining their food supply (which they would get via their now-one-time allies, that bastion of freedom and breadbaskets, the U.S., natch).

This is the most believable of all, considering its tumultuous [early] history where the next revolution was right around the corner. But even with its "stable" governments (mostly just one, actually) of the 20th century, the party -- yes, just one party -- that held power (the PRI) wasn't unlike the one-party Communist states of the same century.

WTF?? Just like that? It's bad enough the West Germans were insane enough to elect a bunch of enviro-nuts in the midst of a worldwide (well, European at any rate) food crisis ... but the rest of Western Europe as well?? Yeah, OK -- horrendous harvest, Soviet invasion of democracy-desiring puppet states, massive Soviet-induced military build-ups in Cuba and Nicaragua, Communist fomented revolution in Mexico ... and the UK, Belgium, Canada, Holland, Denmark, Spain, Norway, and Italy (among others) all just threw up their hands and gave the f*** up! YEESH!

I suppose if we can buy all of the above, then we can also accept that much of the mixed Soviet/Cuban/Nicaraguan landing forces arrived via "masqueraded" commercial jets. (Shot-down Air Force Colonel Powers Booth tell us so.) I suppose we can also buy that our presumed allies in this whole farce -- the Red Chinese, of all countries -- would just sit back and not answer the annihilation of almost half a billion of their citizens via Russian nukes. (A Wolverine: "I thought there were a billion screamin' Chinamen." Powers Booth: "There were." [Tosses whiskey on fire causing dramatic flare-up] Remember?) I'm no nuclear war strategist, but it seems to me that if China had nearly half its population incinerated, they'd have little qualms about totally retaliating against the USSR in any way possible. It's unlikely the Soviets would zap all of China's then-estimated 360 nukes, so it stands to reason the Chi-Coms would off quite a few Soviet targets in response. Not to mention a land invasion of the sparsely populated western portion of the USSR.

Alas, Booth's statement that the war was "pretty much conventional now" stands to reason. If the Soviets had managed to off much of our land-based ICBMs thus leaving only our nuclear subs, their ultimatum of "If you launch those we will utterly FINISH you" could cause US leaders to refrain from an all-out nuclear counter-offensive.

And why not? The president knows he has THE WOLVERINES defending the western half of our beloved country for him!

Uh huh. Right. Guess the best Russian and Cuban troops were fighting elsewhere.

Posted by Hube at December 2, 2012 09:39 AM | TrackBack

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Red Dawn SUCKED!

Posted by: kilroysdelaware at December 2, 2012 11:31 PM