August 08, 2011

Biggest laughers in movie fight history

Inspired by this Cracked.com article (which is incredibly funny, by the way) and being the movie culture maven that I am, I just had to chime in with my own takes on some of the most ridiculous match-ups in action film history ... as usual because no one demanded it!! Now, keep in mind I tried to be 100% original and come up with my own fracases, but some of Cracked's were just too good to skip over. Like the first one here:

JOHN MATRIX vs. BENNETT in COMMANDO.
This is Cracked's #1 such fight, and deservedly so. In fact, if you're not cracking up very early in the film when you realize that Bennett is supposed to be Matrix's (Ah-nuld Schwarzenegger) arch-nemesis, something's wrong with your WTF meter. Bennett looks like he's spent the last decade or so trying to win the National Couch Potato contest. Heck, the only thing that even gives Bennett ("I feel good, Jawn!") a chance in hell is that he pops a bullet into Ah-nuld's shoulder before their scuffle ensues.


Bennett (at left): "I can beatchoo, Jawn!"


ROCKY BALBOA vs. IVAN DRAGO in ROCKY IV.
Let's be real here: Drago killed Apollo Creed after just a bit over a single round in the ring. Later we see that, after a punch, Drago's pressure per square inch figure rises to superhuman levels. Meanwhile, Rocky insists on training "naturally," which in this case means chopping wood, dragging sleds, and climbing mountains so he can shout Drago's name at the top of his lungs. All of which would more likely get Rock a nasty cold or virulent flu rather than prepare him to defeat Drago. Even if you buy that the Italian Stallion could best the towering Russian, the fact that Rock's face looks like he's only been through a minor sparring exercise after the fight is laughingly ridiculous. At least as ridiculous as his Cold War kumbayah speech after his victory.


Drago after the fight (left); Rocky after the same fight (right).


ROGER MOORE vs. JUST ABOUT ANY VILLAIN in ANY JAMES BOND FILM.
Moore is by far the least believable Bond in terms of being able to kick your ass. Every other dude who played the role looked like he could, especially Connery and the new Daniel Craig. What's even funnier is that Moore had to go up against probably the most physically powerful Bond baddie ever -- Jaws -- not just once, but twice! (The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker.) By Moore's last flick (A View to a Kill), he'd have had a hard time taking down his co-star, The Avengers' Patrick Macnee.


Moore resorts to dirty pool to beat Jaws, the pu**y.


CHANCE BOUDREAUX vs. EMIL FOUCHON in HARD TARGET.
That'd be Jean Claude Van Damme vs. Lance Henriksen, for the uninitiated. Let's see ... Van Damme is a martial arts expert whereas Henriksen is best known for playing the android Bishop in a couple Aliens movies. Yeah, sounds fair. I dunno, for some reason, for a few years there, some folks in Hollywood though Lance would make a good bad-ass. A few years before Target, he locked horns with NFL bust Brian Bosworth in the dreadfully bad actioner Stone Cold.


Van Damme: Dis weel be dee last time you make foan ohv my
accent, you sown ohv a beetch!


MICHAEL HARRIGAN vs. THE PREDATOR in PREDATOR 2.
Er, that'd be Danny Glover vs. the nasty (and huge) alien hunter. Let's face it: Ah-nuld in the original barely bested the creature -- and he's the best special forces badass any government could possess. And what's Harrigan? A freakin' street cop in Los Angeles. He'd have, what -- a tiny fraction of the training that Ah-nuld had. Not to mention, Harrigan just happens to school some special ops dudes who've been tracking the Pred since shortly after Ah-nuld's original mission (reuniting Glover and Gary Busey from Lethal Weapon) ... as if they wouldn't know more about the alien than he. YEESH.


Look, Danny, I don't think you have snowball's chance, and
neither does Maria Conchita. So there!


GABE WALKER vs. ERIC QUALEN in CLIFFHANGER.
This is also on Cracked's list, and again very deservedly so. Not only is this flick ridiculous in that the surroundings are snow covered mountains and Sly Stallone is meandering around in a f***ing tank top most of the time, but Qualen is played by ... John Lithgow. The only thing I could envision that would allow Lithgow to even get one good shot in on Sly is being his still being miffed that he couldn't see Debra Winger anymore. Or, perhaps, still being miffed that his town of Bomont threw in the towel and allowed dancing.


What's that? Naw, don't worry -- I'm PLENTY warm enough!

UPDATE: A good buddy of mine e-mails me one that has just got to be added:

DALTON vs. BRAD WESLEY in ROAD HOUSE.
OK, yeah, Wesley (Ben Gazzara) had bruiser Jimmy do most of his dirty work throughout the flick -- that is until Dalton (Patrick Swayze) beat the living sh** out of him. Ultimately, it came down to the two protagonists as we all knew it would ... and would the outcome ever be in doubt? Heh. Except that Dalton gets overcome by a nasty streak of morality at the critical moment. No worries; Wesley's long-time victims blow the SOB away with multiple gunshots.


My only chance is to act like a raving lunatic.


Posted by Hube at August 8, 2011 07:34 PM | TrackBack

Comments  (We reserve the right to edit and/or delete any comments. If your comment is blocked or won't post, e-mail us and we'll post it for you.)

"Meanwhile, Rocky insists on training "naturally," which in this case means chopping wood, dragging sleds, and climbing mountains so he can shout Drago's name at the top of his lungs."

I don't recall "natural training" being important to Rocky. He opts to train in Russia to get away from the American spotlight and get back to basics. The Russians offer him equivalent facilities to Drago. Being "equivalent" in Soviet Russia turns out to be a barn in the mountains that's full of rocks that he can lift if he doesn't freeze to death first.

Posted by: Jeff the Baptist at August 9, 2011 02:27 AM

Yeah, perhaps, but that was clearly the message the film wanted to get across. Drago is training in super high-tech facilities, culminating with the scene of him getting a shot of steroids.

Posted by: Hube at August 9, 2011 09:16 AM