A fitting end to my papi-in-law's visit

My father-in-law Carlos is a terrific guy. He's also one of the funniest dudes I know. On the day before his departure back to Costa Rica, we watched (in Spanish -- did you know that with Comcast digital cable you can switch the audio to different lingos? It mainly only works with various movie channels) "Commando" -- one of Ahnuld Schwarzenegger's first "big" movies. If you want to laugh at one of the most cliché-ridden action flicks of all time, this is the one. Carlos and I were in tears from laughing so hard at how ridiculous some of the scenes were. (Of course, we elaborated on them to the Nth degree during the film.)

AOL today has a list of the worst action movie clichés, and "Commando" has a good portion of them, that's for sure. Let's take a gander ...

1. Henchmen Are Lousy Shots. "Commando" is possibly the BEST example this! Ahnuld makes his way through literally hundreds of mercenary soldiers (supposedly the "best" and who support deposed some fictitious Latin American dictator played by Dan Hedaya -- Carla's hairy husband from "Cheers") without getting hit by a single bullet. The only thing that slightly injures him is an adjacent exploding grenade. Not only that, but these soldiers don't seem to appreciate the value of taking cover; they willingly run right out into the open to serve as fodder for Ahnuld's machine gun!

2. The Female Hostage. In this case it's Ahnuld's daughter [now-very hot] Alyssa Milano.

4. The Death Trap. When Ahnuld's main nemesis Bennett finally has the governator at his mercy, does he kill him? Of course not! He allows Ahnuld to coax him into hand-to-hand combat which, as we all know, usually doesn't bode well for Ahnuld's opponent!

5. The Ticking Time Bomb. It's not a bomb in this case, but Ahnuld has a mere eleven hours to track down his daughter or she'll be killed. And the only way he can even do this is to somehow escape from an airliner that is taxiing down a runway! And yep -- he does just this, in what has to be the single most suspension-of-reality moment in actioner history: Ahnuld makes his way down to the landing gear (in the process never setting off a warning light in the cockpit!) while the jet is roaring down the tarmac for takeoff. As the plane gets airborne, Arnie jumps -- and lands right in an adjacent marsh. Does he get injured, or even just express some mild discomfort from this daring move? Not in the least! He gets immediately up, takes off his blazer, and begins running back to the airport! Oh yeah -- his clothes somehow get dry in a mere two minutes.

7. The Expository Speech. In the climax, badly beaten up bad-guy Bennett has Ahnuld dead to rights with his pistol. But he continues to rant while the guv looks around, detaches a steam pipe from the wall, and then throws it directly into Bennett's mid-section!

11. Jack Bauer Syndrome. After decimating an island stronghold all by his lonesome, and after getting shot (finally, someone hit him!) and beaten by Bennett, Ahnuld greets his military superiors (and a then-hot Rae Dawn Chong) none the worse for wear.

That covers the AOL list, but they admit they left off a bunch of stuff. Here's some reader suggestions. "Commando" has a few more that may or may not be mentioned (admittedly, I haven't read the entire list of reader suggestions):

• Ahnuld "suits up" just prior to his annihilation of the deposed dictator's mercenary minions (see below). Why does everything he does while suiting up make a dramatic noise? Does tying your shoelaces really make such an aggressive sound? And afterwards, why does he stand there for 3-5 seconds posing with all his gear? Who's he impressing?
  

• Why was there virtually no traffic in LA when Ahnuld and Rae Dawn Chong were speeding after badguy Sully? Especially in the hills where we didn't see a single vehicle other than the two involved in the chase! Oh yeah -- when the cops actually nab Ahnuld for breaking into that "weapons depot" -- not a single vehicle is seen driving down the city street other than Rae Dawn Chong's, who's assisting Ahnuld! (This was a reader suggestion.)
  
• Another reader suggestion brings up how chairs always break on people's backs, not the other way around. There wasn't such a scene in "Commando," but we do witness Ahnuld and fellow "Predator" star Bill Duke er, uh, duking it out in a motel room. The room's walls must've been made of tissue paper as at one point the struggling duo go plunging straight through 'em into the next room! (Of course, there was the obligatory couple having sex in that room, including the gratuitous boob-shot.) Oh, and how does even Ahnuld manage to get Duke airborne with a single punch? Duke's easily Ahnuld's height if not overall size.
  
• A reader suggests that good and bad guys never have to park far away in parking lots. There's always a spot right where they need it. Bad guy Sully and goodie Rae Dawn Chong both manage to score parking spots right at the entrance to the local mall. Sully actually nabs the very first spot right next to the parking garage entrance! Isn't that usually reserved for handicapped drivers?

I probably went WAY overboard on this, but such is my pre-beach sojourn Friday posting! Enjoy, natch!

Posted by Hube at August 10, 2007 11:14 AM | TrackBack